Living with... Feels Soft To Me!

Why have I misspelt Philosophy because this is not intended to be too serious, that is what the other parts are all about. First on the agenda is going to be a list of new names I have for collecting things. This is to do with the fact that when you have had a lump of cancer cut out of your belly the floor suddenly without any warning becomes about an inch further away than it used to be. Just so you know the core of your body is the central and most important section. When someone cuts holes in it and pulls things out without much warning certain things become exceedingly difficult. Straight after the operation the first thing you notice is that suddenly simple things like getting in and out of bed is incredibly painful and difficult to do. After a few days you learn to hate the fact that you are weaker than usual, so you drop things. Which then means you have this whole new issue of having to collect them back from the floor which is now approximately one inch further away than it used to be. With the pain in the whole central area this has meant that over the past week I have discovered different techniques for retrieval of said items from the floor. We have the scream, the squat (or the poop), the planned, the absent-minded moan, taking a knee, and the back up to all – the instalments. Where shall we begin? The instalments seems as good as any.

Instalments

This process is usually pre-planned, and you are ready for action before the beginning. This doesn’t usually happen because of a dropped item but being aware that something is in a trick place to you, and you must work around it. You start by assessing the target - is it already off the ground so over an inch closer. If so, then the other technique of the swipe – just swinging an arm with an open hand towards the item may just strike success. If not, then this process begins with a quick sweep of the area are there tools that could assist this task. A stick or collecting type tool that could collect the item for you and bring it within the reach range. No luck? its now time to move closer to the object. Getting on the knees so you are now down on the floor with the object. This is where the pre-planning comes into effect as you have placed two (or one item to do two jobs) items close by. First thing you need is something to put the item on as going all the way down there to leave it on the floor is a silly idea. Secondly you need another item to assist your return to the ‘standing’ world. Next you place the item on the first retrieving tool selected – thus raising the item. This means it’ll be off the ground and closer to the standing world. Next, you then need to join it, in that mid-range. Using the climbing tool, you move off your knees and probably go straight into a standing position. Sticks, poles, steps, or chairs are good for this. Once standing you can usually swipe down to get the target item off the first tool which if it’s a chair you are using that single item for both parts and you pick up the target item – success.

Taking a Knee

A great technique for smaller items, particularly those items that have recently been dropped. This involves the core so will take a few days to come together, after the operation. Essentially you take the ‘Black Lives Matter’ sporting stance of slowly and steadily going down on one knee. It is much slower than the boys and girls on the tv before they play a sport but is a thorough approach with many different item retrievals when completely alone and independent from support. Once you have steadily reached one knee you have the option of the double knee-er or grabbing what’s required. For heavier items I would suggest using a chair or work surface to place your item as standing is going through the same slow rising process. The standing up process is just a reversal of the moving down process so be prepared for this whole thing to take time. Much longer than before and much more painful, normally successful but when you go through this process stand up and then drop the item you have just collected it can lead to some extreme frustration. You have been warned.

The Scream

Also nicknamed cheating by me. The technique requires support close by and is typically employed when alternative techniques have failed to be successful, and you are one attempt away from giving up. Then you use the scream, for the best results it is advisable to ‘know’ the name of the support person close by ‘nurse’ for example has indifferent results and can be ignored. Using a person’s name is always best. Using their name and putting a feeble voice on may see better results but shout or scream their name. When they arrive, you ask them to go into the ‘inch to far’ zone and retrieve the item for you. Often, it’s just something you missed the bin with so you can ask them to put it in the bin for you. Or you can ask them to hand the item back to you which helps reduce potential pain also. This is a sound and pain free option but can be trying on the patience of the others around the house.

The Leave

This is similar to the scream but there is no screaming involved. When item is dropped, and other retrieval techniques have failed you can use ‘The Leave’ technique. This involves leaving the needed item wherever it is and departing the scene. Once another helper arrives it is important that you remembered what item and where the item was you needed. You can then deploy the ‘could you put that in the bin for me’ technique or ‘please could you pass me that’ remember to always be polite and very thankful.

The Planned

The perfect example of this is the retrieval of dirty clothing or rubbish that needs to go downstairs. This technique involves shifting the one-inch zone into the standing world and is very cunning. If you have a collection of items such as clothes/towels and you are upstairs, you can deploy this routine. You can drop items all over the floor without any worry. The plan is to move said items to the top of the stairs. You can even bundle them together. The simplicity of this is genius you simply walk down the stairs until your shoulders are level with the collection of items. You simply sit on the stairs collect the items in your hands, stand up and walk down the stairs. The important thing to remember is that you need to be reasonably stable on your feet to even attempt this technique. Falling down the stairs is a serious risk if you are not secure on your feet to begin with.

The Absent-minded Moan

This is the worst technique out there and not one I would advise using. This is when you are standing up and something drops on the floor. In a split second your brain farts and you completely forget you have had a major operation recently. You go – oops that just fell I’ll get it and you bend over to retrieve whatever it is. Then all of a sudden there is a shooting pain in your stomach, and you cannot control the moan that expels itself from your body through your mouth. You suddenly straighten back up rapidly before re-evaluating the situation and then normally the logical thing to do is to select one of the other methods available, but you could always try this one again. This technique always has a nice beginning as you must be feeling fine to be able to forget the fact that you are about to get a shock to reset your thinking.

The Squat (or the Poop)

After a few days of using the other techniques you can attempted the poop or squat. It is advisable to have support near-by. Either someone or a solid lean on item such as a table, chair, or a sideboard or kitchen worktop. This is not easy on the eye of the support person so you may need to warn them but keeping your back straight, you bend the knees to go slowly down to the ground. Once down there and in the full squat, you will realise that you are not that well balanced so be careful down there. You may wish to redeploy that leaning on item, to place the collection object onto which will help keep your balance and you must extend your legs back up to the standing position and you are back to the walking world once again.