BAD FILMS REVIEW... (Part 1)

Following the introduction post explaining the reasons for this post coming about here is the reminder of the score which I will try to keep to before I get into the reviews.

· So Bad – Its Fantastic

· So Bad – Its Good

· So Bad – Its Funny

· So Bad – Its Not Worth Your Time

· So Bad – It is Simply that - Bad.

· So Bad – Its Awful

I fear most of these reviews will need Spoiler alerts as with just the first one I tell the entire story from beginning to end. This will happen often but I will put warnings out each time. Also I will number the films this is for logging purposes and not as a score from good to bad or the other way its just a way to remember each one the movies I review. OK here are the first 7 movies...

The Sand (#7)

One of the films that inspired this particular blog page was The Sand a movie that in general is poor. It leaves lots of questions about what is going on in peoples head when they are all in mortal danger. Let’s talk about who slept with who and being jealous with each other whilst a known killer is inches away from your bare toes. I may have given away my opinion of this movie already, but I will pick through the plot before I get to my summary view of this movie.

Even the English on the cover is poor.

THE PLOT

The movie begins with a found footage feel as we join a group of youngsters at a beach party.

Celebrating spring break and then forcing everyone into the Vegas rule but taking everyone’s

phones off them and put them in a bag which is locked in a car boot. Yet the camera recording this continues to be allowed despite some protests. You see a girl (later you are given her name) Kaylee who refuses the offer of a drink but then sees her boyfriend Jonah kissing another girl called Chanda. She then changes her mind and has a drink. A big bloke and what appears to be the party animal find a big nut thing. Not only find it they carry it back to the main group. No one knows what it is, and someone says its gooey. A giant gooey acorn which is slimy and bring it back and yet not one person there is sober enough to say huh what is that and should you really be carrying it around. Nah keep it here and continue the party. Oh yeah boys there are boobs in this movie, and you get a sneaky peek in this opening video montage.

The next morning the friends wake up in various places of the beach. You have the girl Kaylee waking up with one of the louder voices of those organising the party Mitch in a lifeguard station floor. In a car there are two couples in the front seats you have Kaylee’s boyfriend Jonah who was snogging Chanda who has joined him in the front seat of the car. In the backseat you have the blonde bikini clad Ronnie who has spent the night with Vance the main party animal from the previous night. Being a fat git, I guess I am allowed to say there is a large black gentleman stuffed in a bin who is still fast asleep but with a cock and balls drawn on his face called Gilbert. Finally, there is Marsha who is asleep on a pub garden type of wooden bench and chairs.

Shhhh! Marsha is sleeping.

They all seem to wake up together Kaylee is watching the sand when she sees a gull getting swallowed up by the sand. Meanwhile Marsha who is (are you watching lads) topless, which the other girls point out that she is showing her nipples. Marsha wakes a little worst for wares and rolls over and starts puking in the sand. Kaylee panics and starts to yell at Marsha to not step on the sand. To late she steps in and then says her foot is stuck then moves it then gets eaten by the sand. That is, it for the boob’s boys – think I lost my teenage readers there. To rescue the blonde (Playmate) Vance the chap in the back of the car with the other blonde. Leaps from the car and runs throwing sand around with his feet before tumbling to the sand where his face sticks down. Everyone screams and he melts into the sand. You get to see his face falling into the sand. CGI done so it is bad, but it is not as bad as some CGI I’ve seen.

They realise they are all stuck surrounded by sand that could kill them now. Why don’t they just call for help. Oh yeah! They collected the phones and put them in the boot of the car. Fine we’ll drive around to everyone, but the car battery is dead because they left the lights on all night and fell asleep. As they all become depressed Kaylee walks speedily toward the edge of the lifeguard station. Holding out her hand to the sand whilst the rest screams and panics. She is the intelligent one and she sees hair type things coming out of the sand and trying to touch her hand.

Gilbert wakes up and starts screaming for people to get him out of the trash can on the beach. How he got stuck in there in the first place is never revealed. His hands are stuck in there with him, but he gets them free and starts rocking the metal tub. Everyone screams at him to stop, and he questions their honestly but does believe them. To calm him down Mitch tells him that the tide will be in to cool him down in a couple of hours.

Gilbert and his can.

Seeing Mitch with Kaylee in the lifeguard station Chanda says it is nice that she found someone. Jonah is not happy with that and asks, “What do you want from me?”

“the same as you,” she smiles “does that make things better?” They do not snog this time.

Meanwhile in the station Kaylee & Mitchell have broken out the vodka. Soft music plays to signify the passing of time as the group does nothing more than just sit and wait. Fed up and wanting to take some action Kaylee searches the lifeguard station pocketing a book of matches. Mitch joins and they speak. “What happened last night?” Kaylee asks Mitch.

“Nothing happened, We walked and then just talked,” Mitch is opening.

“If we had fucked, I would know,” She gets straight to the point does Kaylee “I’m talking about the sand!”

“Everything was fine then everyone crashed out.” They suddenly then realise that no one else is on the beach. They had a huge party and now no one is here. Ronnie points out where everyone was. The sand has killed and eaten them all, oh yeah, we just remembered. They cry for a bit before Gilbert in the trashcan is fed up burning up and starts rocking the bin to get out of it. To calm him Jonah throws him some sun crème which he smears onto one arm which seems to resolve all his problems. It is at this point that Kaylee spots the broken egg thing that they found. Ronnie appears to be the smartest one there as she points out that it hatched like an egg.

No, that is clearly not the movie hotdogs in the movie the sand. I think I need a new editor!!

She throws another hot-dog, but a gull catches it and flies off in front of Gil. Everyone moans about wasting possible food. Meanwhile the gull gets eaten by the sand right in front of Gilbert and he shouts about it. Mitch throws the last one back away from the beach and towards the grass of the mainland. It sits there and doesn’t move. There is a limit to this thing.

“If we can get to that point then we will be safe!”

Ronnie then points out the fact that they cannot get to that point so what’s the point.

“Someone will be along soon anyway”

Again, the voice of reason the blonde bikini girl – “We have not seen anyone at all day, why would someone come now,” Geeze this girl is the brightest of a bunch of…

Jonah & Chanda, they always come up with great ideas.

Jonah has an idea of getting to Marsha’s bag left on the table. He stands up and climbs towards the back of the car and grabs the two surfboards that are there. He throws one on the sand and jumps onto it. He is fine. Throws the next one out in front of him steps on to that. Great. He is warned about his fingers when picking up the first one and flips that in front of himself. It is at this point that I realise what an idiot this character is. Not for one but two solid reasons. Firstly, in the plot Jonah thinks that this is a great point with the death sand all around him to start questioning his ex-girlfriend about her spending the night with Mitch. Whilst he has just climbed out of the arms of the girl he left in the car. Nope this is the best time to argue apparently as he is going to die why not start an argument to disturb your thoughts and concentration. Everyone else points out he is an idiot for starting that now. He gets near the bench when the board he is on starts slipping away meaning he is falling and using his arms to reach the bench whilst his feet are still on the board. The others point out that the boards are moving. Meanwhile the hairy string things are reaching for his stomach. I am sure it will be fine as they couldn’t reach Kaylee’s hand when she was just a couple of inches off the sand. Well, they have grown as they reach his stomach causing blisters and a nasty rash of pain on the poor argumentative boy. He is on the bench as distanced from the sand whilst the boards are moving away from him.

Genius Jonah has got a plan.

I said there was two reasons why he was an idiot. Which was not just starting the argument in the middle of the sand. Ignoring the boards moving and leaving them to drift away from him. Yes, he was in pain so I can forgive him somewhat for this. My question is about his daring plan that he just came up with. If the car has come from the mainland and parked facing the sea (and not the other way around). The creature has not travelled in that direction as the hotdog has proven. Why and I mean WHY!!! Does he head towards the sea on the surfboards and not heading away from the back of the car (WHERE HE RETREIVED THE SURFBOARDS FROM IN THE FIRST PLACE!). Nope he doesn’t head for instant safety he heads for a bench to see what is in the bag. The picture above even shows the grass in the background which apparently is safety. Doesn’t head that way but heads towards the sea and potential instant death. Making this character a clear and present moron.

Jonah is screaming and in lots of pain whilst Gilbert cannot turn around in his can, to see what is going on. I have not exactly worked out how or why Gilbert cannot turn around in his can seeing as his arms were stuck in there but now are not so, the additional space released from both forearms should give him enough space to turn around in a can. He apparently cannot do so. He has spent the whole movie so far facing the sea with the lifeguard shack behind him. Pic below – What is behind him exactly? So which way is he facing if he cannot turn around - I am confused?

Gilbert still in his can.

Oh, sorry I am digressing from the plot again. Jonah gets the bag drops a banana in the sand picks it up. Then realises something that he wasn’t affected. The banana had dropped into the ashes of last night’s fire. So, risking his life he just jumps into the ashes. He is unharmed and celebrates by eating the banana. During his celebratory munch Kaylee points out his blisters on his stomach. Noticing how fierce they are now he instantly throws up and feels the pain they are causing. He lays on the bench and the girls force him back into the bag to share the drinks around.

They need a plan, so Gilbert says get the phones. Ronnie decides that she thinks she could get them by climbing onto the boot to be able to open. The boot is hot, so she stands on a towel before standing on the bumper. She puts the key in the lock but doesn’t have the angle to open the boot. The Lifeguard couple get a dog harness thing which allows them to support her at a deeper angle to get the bag with the phone in. She is precarious but thinks she can get them. The stringy sand creatures are now strong enough to burst the tyres and jolt the car she slips and traps her fingers in the car. Her screams are silenced by the car horn and the approaching Beach Patrol vehicle with the most annoying character ever arrives. I quite like him! He has a rough hair and is generally aggressive in his tone throughout the conversation and highlights some confusion as to how this creature(s) is functioning. A rough idea of the conversations goes as follows:

Patrol Officer: What the hell are you still doing here? The beach is closed!

Kaylee: You need to listen to me; You need to call for help! There is something in the sand.

Patrol – Something in the sand?

Kaylee – That’s right. There is something that will tear you apart. You need to stay in your car, and you need to call for help.

Gilbert chips in – You need to call the National Fucking Guard man.

Mitch – Dude, you have to listen

Patrol whilst pointing at Gilbert – Why is fat Albert in the trash can?

Gilbert – Stay in your car! Don’t get out!

Kaylee – There is something alive in the sand and it kills!

Chanda – She’s right

Patrol – OK who’s holding?

Kaylee – Look, I know what it sounds like. OK but I wouldn’t believe it myself but you… You HAVE to!

Patrol – Don’t bullshit me, I know when people are on drugs. Somebody is tweaking.

Kaylee – Just stay in your car and get on your radio call for back-up. Call for lots of back-up.

Patrol officer looking at Jonah – Is he on drugs?

Mitch – No.

Patrol – Is he on Molly? Who has the Molly?

Kaylee – Just stay in your car and stay in and call for help.

The officer closes his window and steps out of the vehicle. They all scream and panic, but the hairs are going for him but those things strong enough to burst car tyres are not strong enough to breach his shoes!! Yes really. They all look surprised, but he doesn’t seem to notice this. Walks over to Jonah and says “Oh! Is that puss? I hate puss!” Does nothing to help. Walks over to Gilbert and says “What is that on your face? Did your friends draw a dick on your face?” Looks him up and down then adds “This is some weird shit here!” Looking down at the can “Do you have legs?” Gets a positive response and follows up with the “You look like an art exhibition!” He laughs “23 years and this is worse than that time a lady got a Horseshoe Crab stuck up her arse. He walks over to the women on the car. Are your hands stuck?

“Yes!”

“Well, why haven’t you helped her?” Looks at Ronnie and Chanda “are you two Lesbians?”

Chanda replies “Are you kidding me!”

“Look officer two of our friends have died.”

“Really where are the bodies?” “The sand ate them!”

“The sand ate them. Well, you know what I did today, I rode in here on my unicorn!”

Kaylee – You need to listen to us!

Patrol Officer – I don’t want to.

He goes to the lifeguard hut and demands that Kaylee comes to him. Mitch will follow. He demands she comes to him. She refuses because he is on the sand. Threatens her again. She refuses so he says. You continue to refuse, and I will use mace (pepper spray). Unclips it but flicks his keys on the floor. Bends down to pick them up touches the sand and his hands get eaten. As he screams for help and is slowly drawn deeper into the sand. Kaylee walks over retrieves the can of pepper spray and turns around and walks away. Leaving him to die in agony. What a bitch!

Kaylee leaving a fellow human to his fate.

That’s it now is the time for action and Mitch has a plan. He is going to spray pepper spray on towels tie them to his feet and make a run for it. Meanwhile Gilbert is still moaning and shouts the immortal line of “I don’t want to die with a dick on my face.”

Mitch is getting ready for his heroic moment of the movie when he saves everyone. The plan is that he is going to head away from the scene and towards the mainland unlike the idiot that is passed out on the park bench. Now at some point the rails were metal see Exhibit A below:

Kaylee and the metal bars

But at Mitch prepares for his hero moment of the film falls through the (now) wooden rails and lands on the sand below. Landing face up it is a matter of seconds before the stringy things suck onto his face and drag his arms and legs into the sand.

Sorry Mitch it was just your time.

Kaylee decides this is the time for action and although the idea have never crossed her mind before. She uses the broken section gap to run and leap across the gap and land on the car. She arrives there and instantly punches Chanda in the face. Again, great time to bring a relationship into the situation. Says “That is for screwing my boyfriend!”

From the bench Jonah shouts that he loves her, and she returns the same message.

Gilbert is told to turn around whilst Kaylee and Chanda work as a team to free Ronnie from the car boot. They wrap Ronnie’s hand in a towel thing. The plan now is to use the rails (wooden version) to walk from the car to the bench retrieve Jonah. Get to the firepit and then bridge from there to the ranger’s car and radio for help. It’s almost too simple.

As they cross the sand Chanda thinks this is a good time to bring up relationship conversation. “You were the perfect couple, then you would be the perfect married couple and perfect home with perfect kids, and I was jealous.”

The boards are moving but the conversation continues as Chanda adds “Smart thing to say is that nothing happened last night, but I am not going to tell you I’m sorry. It’s like you said life is a long time and I wanted the fairy tale if just for five minutes. You would only make up with a few days and got back together and I go back to square one – A man stealing bitch shocker.”

Ronnie again states the obvious “Do we need to talk about this now?”

Chanda and Kaylee reach Jonah and are all over him. Then they remember they’ve left one handed Ronnie to cross the rails on her own. Thanks guys.

Ronnie on the beams

She nearly makes it before she starts to lose balance. So, Kaylee sprays the sand with pepper spray down just as she lands. It works she is ok for 1.56 seconds before the sand fights back and kills and eats the only sane member of the group. That’s it Chanda has had enough ties towels to her feet and runs to the ranger’s car.

Gilbert is starting to rock in his can. The hair tentacle things are now stretching up the metal can. They must have penetrated the can from below as Gilbert can feel something on his legs and feet. Then suddenly out of nowhere. Three massive tentacles leap up from the can each with three smaller worm like things at the end. They wrap around Gilbert and drag him through the bottom of the METAL bin and drag him to his death. He died with a dick on his face and spent the entire movie stuffed into a trash can.

Hang on this thing has tentacles why the hell hasn’t it shown them before it could have eaten every one of them rather than letting the crappy hair things go for it as it couldn’t penetrate the outer defence.

The Gilbert incident had caused Chanda to fall and bash her head on the car bonnet. Sunset has passed and now it is night with Kaylee shouting at Chanda to wake up. She does and remembers she is on a car bonnet. Before finally climbing onto the roof. Bingo she’s found a way of saving everyone from those massive tentacle things. A rubber inflatable raft! She inflates it next to the car and bench so Jonah and Kaylee can climb into the car. They sit in the car until some truly massive tentacles appear with sky blue glowing lights within it as they attack the car. Kaylee grabs a fuel canister, and the tentacle grabs it off her can covers the whole area. Oh, the importance of finding the matches earlier in the movie. As Kaylee pulls them out lights them and tells it “Burn you Mother Fucker!” Which would do with the fuel all over it and the car is going to blow up no worries it doesn’t affect the car and the beast thing retreats. They all fall asleep in the car. Jonah dies and the last two remaining girls are woken by a tap on the window. Some surfer dudes are there and on the sand and safe. It’s gone. What? Doesn’t matter it gone.

Meanwhile a massive shape is now swimming in the sea heading towards a large funfair area. Oh no it’s the end of the world as we know it.

PLOT DONE

They could have escaped from this situation so many times but were simply too simple to do it. Jonah going for food rather than escaping the area is just beyond belief. The thing in the sand was growing I am guessing but as it got bigger and stronger why not just kill everyone as quickly and easily as possible. Why give people the chance to escape and how did this thing learn how to open car doors. How? The character’s (although reasonably acted) are stupid and naive. The plan is to sit here and wait for someone else to come along and sort this out for us. It feels like that is their attitude. There were many incidents where there were easier options but went with the stupid one. Why the hell start relationship arguments during all this. Let it go get safe then discuss who slept with who. No let’s put other people’s life at risk to argue about relationships.

The dumb blonde was the brightest member of this group and not the one who was supposed to be the strong willed one. The other blonde who simply stated the obvious so many times whilst the others quarried over relationships. Vance was her other half who was killed by the sand incredibly early in the flick and she got her shit together quickly and just got on with the issues at hand. She could grieve about the guy she just slept with and then watched get eaten another time she is now too busy writing letter to her mother saying goodbye and sorry she died. At one point she gives a handwritten letter to Chanda who says she can give it to her yourself as the show goes on.

This is a typical (for America) a low budget horror flick. There are other movies out there that probable cost tonnes more than this one did and aren’t as good. My judge of acting is if they are believable – there are movies when the actors turn up do what they are told and then go home. The wooden factor creeps in. Somewhere a little wooden in this but that is not the crux of the issue with this movie. When the viewer is sat there going why not just do this or do that. The creatures’ abilities change from strong to weak to stronger throughout the story. One minute it can burst car tyres but then cannot get near their feet on wooden planks. They can reach halfway up the can with big Gil in it but how do they know there is food inside. Why didn’t they climb the table or work its way up the lifeguard station? When the creature is inconsistent the actor’s behaviour is brought into question as they are trying to give plot points verbally that then conflict with what you just saw. The douche of a beach patrol officer was one of the better characters he didn’t believe any of them and it felt like the audience should be pleased when he was killed off. I wasn’t. That character mixed in with the others would have been a good foil for them. Him stuck in the lifeguard station with Mitch and Kaylee would have been great. “You melts want to talk about relationships with this deadly thing surrounding us!” I would image, nope he is killed off and they just ignore the fact and move on. Well, they didn’t care about him and they didn’t give too hoots for the other guests that were dead before they woke up. They didn’t see them die so they didn’t really care. The other two who died in front of them well that was different.

Should you spend your money, time, and effort on this movie? In a word No. It is played too seriously so when you laugh it feels like you are laughing at it, as opposed to with it. This will be appearing in a bargain basement basket for a £1 or less soon enough. More so free on one of the online services. Do yourself a favour and avoid it but if you feel like laughing at a movie there are much better and much worse out there. This just doesn’t do anything for anyone.

THE VERDICT –

The Sand = So Bad – It’s Not Worth Your Time

Kangaroo Jack (#6)

Coming out of left field is a comedy (If I can call it that) that had originally passed me by way back in 2003 when it was initially released. I have not seen this one before at all and have given it a single watch so far, so I am tempted to give it a second watch to be able to review. Why am I reviewing this well I am one unlike Disney and the BBC to listen to my audience and I have a request to watch this one and decide an argument from about 15 years ago so I will do my best here. I am not sure where to start with a non-horror movie. I guess I should just get into it and then get around to giving my opinion of it. Firstly, here’s what the cover looks like:

The poster

THE PLOT

Charlie Carbone is from Brooklyn and the story begins in 1082 where he is about to become the stepson of a crime boss named Salvatore Maggio. (played by the legend that is Christopher Walken). Charlie’s mother had just met Salvatore on the same day that Frankie Lombardo throws a pass to Charlie that ends with Charlie running into high tied waters of the sea. Charlie is rescued by another boy called Louis Booker and the two become friends.

Twenty years later it (2002 -save you doing the maths) Louis keeps reminding Charlie of saving his life and dragging him into bad ideas, that get them both in trouble. Charlie wanted to set up his own beauty salon which seems very weird for a son of a crime bosses’ son. The business is run like a boss protection scheme with most of the business profits go straight back to the boss. Louis shows up and tells Charlie he needs his help moving some TV’s. Charlie agrees after the reminder of the saving his life. Soon after they in hot pursuit of the police as they drive dangerously around town whilst the police give chase and crash into piles of cars. They escape and manage to get to the drop point where Charlie recognised the guys there as working for his father-in-law. Panic begins to set in before the police helicopter looms over the building followed by hundreds of cops. Police storm the site and arrest everyone while Charlie and Louis jump down a Shute and end up in the sea. After leading the police to one of their largest sites full of stolen goods Sal (Walken) is not happy and has made a decision. These two idiots are asked to delivery a package to a ‘Mr Smith’ in Australia. They have until noon in a few days to deliver the package. They agree but don’t have much choice in the matter.

Chris looking gangster

On the flight over Charlie goes to the toilet and Louis nosey instinct gets the better of him and opens the package. He quickly counts the money and sees there is $50,000, so decides to go and join Charlie in the bathroom. Discussing pushing the package back down and Louis wanting to rub it around his face. They exit to three worried faces of stewardesses who had heard the conversation without context.

They arrive in Sydney and Louis hires a jeep for their journey. Out in the bush they hit a Kangaroo which Charlie didn’t see. They poke the body and nothing, so Louis puts his lucky jacket and sunglasses on the ‘dead’ roo to take some photo’s. Slowly the Kangaroo comes back round whilst sat of the back of the jeep terrifying Louis it jumps onto the road and flattens Charlie with a double kick to the head.

Kangaroo's Kick

Before bouncing off into the wilderness. It is at this point that Louis points out that he put the package into the pocket of his lucky jacket which is now bouncing around the wilderness of Australia on the back of a Kangaroo.

Whilst dead one's pose for pictures.

They give chase before crashing the jeep leaving them stranded in the desert. They walk for miles to reach a town where they enter a bar and order beer. Louis goes and phones Mr Smith to tell him they will be late with their delivery. He says that they will be on time, or he will feed them to the crocodiles. Mr Smith then calls Salvatore telling him that they haven’t arrived, so Sal sends Frankie now a gangster apprentice to Australia to sort this out.

The American in Australia

Having met a hot blonde Outback Wildlife Foundation worker who appears to be working alone and from America. I know what are the chances? She tells Louis that he needs a plane and a tranquiliser gun. From the air they will find the roo and shoot it till its asleep they can retrieve the coat and the cash all sorted. They have a hired pilot’s number and a tranquiliser gun as well. The pilot turns out to be the drunk in the pub they happen to be in. Hilarious! They go flying and Louis shoots the pilot and not the kangaroo. The plane crashes and whilst the pilot is trying to fix the radio the boys decide to walk back to the Outback Wildlife Foundation to get more help to capture the Kangaroo. Who is struggling to cope with the coat that falls in his eyes whilst trying to drink and it also makes funny noises that I have never heard a kangaroo make before?

Charlie starts to hallucinate firstly about a jeep that they can drive home with. Then a beautiful blonde woman that he touches inappropriately that is of course the animal rescue woman Louis met earlier in the film. Hilarious!

The pilot gets through to someone who has Mr Smith stood next to them with a large knife knowing where they are they head into the bush to find the two men and his package. Meanwhile ‘those’ two have convinced this woman to help them get their jacket back from the Kangaroo because it has $4,000 and their passports in the pockets. They go chasing the Kangaroo with her expertise (she has been there three years and knows exactly how Kangaroos think) they head for the river and after a training montage of those two learning how to throw these balls tied with ropes (bolas) around the Kangaroo to capture it.

On the hunt

They find ‘Jack’ and slowly creep up on him until Louis has ants in his pants which blows the capture, and they have to camp for another night to try and get their ‘Jack’ tomorrow. Charlie and Jessie share a pool together where they fall in love. Louis dive bombs the pool ruining the whole thing.

SPOILER ALERT AS I AM GOING TO THE FINISH NOW.

The Camel chase

Next morning, they awake to Mr Smith in their camp who demands his money now. He points out how much more is in the pack and Jessie is not happy about being lied to. If the money is not on the camels, they travelled with then he will kill them. They tell the truth about ‘Jack’ he then finds the photo of the dead Kangaroo meaning he will kill them there and then. To prevent this Jessie says she can lead them to ‘Jack’ and get the money back for him. He takes her off in advance leaving his henchmen to drag the other boys off the back of the camels. Being led in the opposite direction Charlie realises they are being led to their death so outwits them by cutting themselves free and taking their guns. They give chase to Mr Smith to rescue Jessie. Keeping Mr Smith at gunpoint a car pulls up and Frankie has tracked them down but rather than saving them he turns his guns on them and is going to kill them when Jack returns. This causes a fist fight between the two rather gangs this allows the heroes the opportunity to escape. On camels they give the final chase for Jack across the desert land. Louis is closest and is stretching to grab the packet from the pocket when looming large is a ravine (cliff drop to me). He grabs it the camel files over the cliff (no one cares) the Kangaroo disappears, and Louis is over the edge hanging. Clinging on for his life Charlie finally manages to return the favour and saves Louis’ life and pulls him back up. They have the money, and the world is good again. Except the gang is here again. They offer the money in the hope this will end everything. Frankie then points out that Mr Smith is a hit man, and the money is to hire him to kill you two. So, no need to hand the money back I will kill you myself then a police helicopter arrives and arrests them all. Jack returns (alive) they take back the lucky jacket. Jack hops away. Charlie and Louis make up and explain they are friends for life anyway. Jack comes back with his family and the youngest kicks Charlie in the head again. His father-in-law is arrested, and Charlie uses the $50k to set up a successes beauty business and the three are now holidaying on a private yacht. They all lived happily ever after.

PLOT ENDS - SAFE TO READ ON

Summary

I was asked to review this and decide and argument with the decision that Davo would be the victor. As I score comedy movies in different ways, and something needs to connect with me and this one didn’t. I will not go all out and say it is rubbish as it tries so hard to be funny that I can see people appreciating it, I didn’t. The characters are likeable even if the random American woman being the only worker in an Outback rescue place is pushing it a bit. Then again having a mob boss take over your family is perfectly acceptable. I have done a little digging on this one and based on the limited knowledge I have of big Hollywood movies I would suggest it struggled to break even and I even went to my usual thermometer to gauge movies like this and Rotten Tomatoes have this at 8%. Just that solo figure. There were funny elements and funny scenes as well not one managed to break me into a laugh. Although I did crack a smile at least three times during the movie. I mentioned that the characters were likable, and they have gone on to other movies. The CGI and having a quick-witted animal protagonist reminded me of Mousehunt which I enjoyed much more than this movie. Christopher Walken appears in both (just noting). The sounds made by the Kangaroo to humanise it don’t work and the dancing Kangaroo in the middle just isn’t needed. It has many adult elements to the humour which maybe where this falls-down as it comes across like a fun family movie. Then there are gangsters trying to kill each other, a drunk flying a plane, couple falling in love, and the customary poop and fart gags which may have worked years ago. I know farts are funny, but a fart sound just put into a scene doesn’t make it. Sorry it needs to be either subtle or as part of something else. Camel’s fart, we know. There are lots of good ideas here, but they just didn’t work for me. I don’t want to moan for too long as I know someone who likes this, and I don’t want to upset them too much and as mentioned there are funny elements to this film. The acting is good, and the characters are solid but the silly plot points are just beyond. A gangster set up a beauty salon for his wife’s son. Costing $3.4m and lets him get on with it, there is not one feminine movement he makes in the movie. Surrounded by women all day and has no luck with the ladies apparently. His bungling sidekick is supposed to be a loveable but annoying friend which is believable but doesn’t seem to work. Mr Smith coming after his money seems strange given what the money is for. Complain to the big boss and wait, if big boss says go and get it then that’s a different subject. The whole drunken Aussies in a bar part stereotype before a beautify animal protection lady rocks up who just so happens to be American. Oh really! Threaded together better or a better plot this could of works, playing the Kangaroo for laughs again could have worked where maybe the CGI but the sounds effects really done it for me. Let the animals be animals if you are not going to have them talking and make a cartoon of it. Oh - they do make a cartoon out of the CGI Jack, well maybe that was what done it for me.

THE VERDICT – Kangaroo Jack = So Bad...

It’s Not Worth Your Time

Redwood (#5)

Here I am again with a movie that I saw recently and at the time I did actually enjoy it, but I was high on morphine post operation, so I am going to try an obtain a copy and give this one another go, hopefully with a clearer mind. This was going to be the second movie on this list, but I was unable to source a copy to re-watch it and give this a fair review. The movie is basically building to a twist which I am loathed to spoil for you if I think the pay off is worth it. I am tempted to watch this with a stopwatch as my initial issue with this was how much of the movie goes-by with absolutely nothing happening. I’ve heard of slow build ups, but I really want to see how slow this build up is. This is where I shall begin my thoughts.

Redwood poster/cover

I shall begin by assuming that this is an extremely low budget movie and that comes across with a lack of any action for the majority of this movie. According to online viewing platform I used and paid for, so I am not promoting it. This movie lasts one and a half hours, which is short for any type of a movie let alone a slow building suspense horror movie. Adding to this I took my stopwatch to this movie, and this is not an hour and a half movie. There is a pre-story part to this movie so the actual story we follow doesn’t start until just shy of 3 minutes in. The story ends for us around 1 hour 15 minutes. Meaning this story is all wrapped up and done within 72 minutes which for a slow build up movie there is so called pay-off scary conclusion gets less than 15 minutes as things don’t really get going until passed the hour mark. I can confirm that I have watched this a second time (i.e., when I timed it) and I still liked it. I feel it fair to say exceedingly early into this review that I did enjoy it again. I will now tell you everything bad about this movie after the plot and I will give you two warnings on this as I will go through the plot in the usual detail and then reach a point where you should stop if you don’t want a spoiler for the conclusion and watch it yourself. This is advertised as a vampire movie which is creepy and a nail biter. With the overall feeling that it is really scary but unfortunately this is completely untrue as it is none of those things.

THE PLOT

Pre-story is where a woman drags a larger man into a tomb type thing. She says to him you said you would do anything for me before cutting his throat and leaving him on the floor to die. He is in front of a tree type structure with claw hands and a skull head on top. The tree then starts to leak (sap shall we say), and the girl drinks it.

2.48 into the movie Redwood name appears on screen and the story begins. We start with a man stood in a field peeing meanwhile a woman is searching in the back of a car for something. Which she says she cannot find. He finishes, returns to the car goes straight to where he said it was and finds it straight away. There are lots of over head shots throughout this film of the Redwood forests and it begins with a drone shot of the car winding its way through the woodlands. In the car they get a call from the guy’s manager. The driver is called Josh and the passenger is Beth. As he answers the call, he says you are on speaker and Beth is here. She instantly says ‘Hi, Nick!” and he replies. He then tells Josh to go out and enjoy the break, the fresh air, peace and quiet and that type of business. They park in front of a big sign explaining that they are in Redwood Mountain Range followed by the words OFF TRACK HIKING FORBIDDEN. We then meet Steve who introduces himself as Steve the Ranger. Which leads to Beth continually to address him as Steve the Ranger. He stutters as he corrects her as just Steve. The humour in this movie is poor.

The couple and Steve The Ranger

Steve offers them a map and then says that at the top there is a waterfall, campsite, and the ranger station is there as well. I could drive you up there if you prefer as it is a 3-day hike to the top. They point out that Josh is a musician and is played in clubs but not much on radio. You would not have heard much from him. Well Steve hasn’t anyway. He gets the map and points out that they should stick to the green area, and you will be fine.

“Is it that hard to follow?”

“No, stay out of the grey area and keep in the green!”

“How would we know if we go out of the green area!”

“Oh! You would know!” says Steve and leaves the map with them and they head off up the mountain.

Get used to those two in the woods in this movie.

They hike but it is raining, and we find out that there is something wrong with Josh but not sure yet. He is puffing but Beth says she is too tired and wants to camp just so they can get out of the rain. Later that night they are in bed in the tent and Beth asks if Josh is, OK? He says no. Then talks of his father’s death. How upset he got because his father called him Billy. He was drugged up and then watched as he withered away in that bed. This conversation makes Beth burst into tears. Josh hugs her and says he wants to do more of the stuff that made my father my father. The fishing trips, hiking, and this type of stuff. Josh continues saying that he has spent too much time in clubs and now wants to be out in the world more.

Beth confirms “You will.” then asks what the prognosis is.

Josh says, “They will know more after they start the chemo.”

END OF DAY 1 (nothing happened)

Unpacking then packing then walking then unpacking again..

They wake up, pack up and get ready for another day of hiking again Josh finds flares in Beth’s bag and is annoyed. He thinks that she brought them as she is worried about him and thinks she has them to protect him, and he doesn’t need protecting. They hike again and then decide to camp. Josh is coughing uncontrollably; Beth tries to help. He cops the hump and storms off to get firewood. While Josh is away a strange man enters the camp with Beth alone.

Josh is fed up with coughing and takes his anger out by trying to cut a small (exceedingly small) branch off a felled tree with the shortest saw blade ever on a Swiss Army Knife. He cuts more of his hand than the tree. Bleeding from his hand he walks back to camp. To find Vince sat with Beth chatting. Turns out Vincent is another ranger.

“A special kind of ranger.”

“Oh, really what type?”

“Animal Control,”

“Oh, what type of Animals?” asks Beth

“Bad ones,” Well that is helpful Vincent thanks for your input to this movie.

Vincent offers to go and get firewood for them.

As soon as he is gone Beth complains to Josh about not mentioning the bad animals on this mountain and Josh says there isn’t any. He was probably talking about wolves or squirrels or something and plays it down again. There are more sky shots of the mountain looking misty.

Vincent returns and Beth says this feels like a Horror movie you are like the local who will lay out the myths and tales to terrify us for the night. Vincent says he won’t go there so Beth deduces that there are some then! Vincent then adds you are not planning on going to the Mausoleum, are you? What Mausoleum they both seem surprised! Vincent then adds that people come from all over for the miracle cure. This should get Beth thinking seeing as Josh has had a recent diagnosis of leukaemia. Josh trying to change the subject away from Beth asking more questions of the mausoleum by saying they are heading for the waterfall at the top. That night in the tent Josh is woken by screaming and screeching. Beth wakes a bit after, and Josh says its probably squirrels go back to sleep.

End of Day 2 (still nowt happen)

Packing up the camp Josh’s hand still hurts, and it is still bleeding. It is at this point that you get a real close-up shot of the map and its clearly black and white there is no green or grey on there. I am just saying! At some point today they find a waterfall and a lake/pool for Josh to swim in. Beth declines and they move on. Later seeing Josh struggling Beth is happy to take the blame and says she is tired and wants to stop. Whilst resting Josh said he was up all-night thinking. Oh! about what? His brain works quickly and says his next album as he believes he has one last good album in me. Which upsets Beth talking that way. They have been by a waterfall and Josh has swam but they continue walking UP the mountain.

We are now 30 minutes into the movie and Josh suddenly says hang on a minute why don’t we just cut across this section of map. Yes, its grey but we could be across the other side before we know it and it would take a day off the hike. Well at the bottom it was said it was a three day climb to the top. This is day three you have seen a waterfall, yet you reckon you could cut ONE DAY!! Off the hike by ignoring the safety advice and cutting across the grey section. Beth agrees and before too long they are setting up camp in the ‘Grey Zone’. That night Josh says he has hidden a present in his bag go grab it and she pulls a bottle of booze which is for them to share. She also finds a medical needle in his bag as well. He says it’s for him just in case things get worse it will settle things until he is off the mountain. Beth is angry and tells him to keep it somewhere safer than his backpack pocket. That night Beth is awoken by the screaming and screeching.

END OF DAY 3 – Still nowt actually happen.

This night it is Beth who wakes up to the screams happening in the night and she is scared.

Beth walking in the woods (you see that a lot in this movie.)

Day four it is all going to kick off today isn’t it. They should have been at the top yesterday, and they have decided to head into the forbidden grey area as well. They wake up and all their clothes have been disturbed and thrown about the campsite. See told you it’s all going to kick off! They find some sticky substance on the floor that smells of ammonia. Beth has had enough and for both of their safety she wants to head home – NOW! Josh on the other hand thinks they should head onto the campsite as it is much closer thanks to his short cut. The short cut they are still taking, and they are still in the grey area. He promises that they will be at the campsite soon and then they can chat up a ranger to drive them off the mountain once they find the ranger station. Whilst walking Josh keeps talking of dying and Beth has had enough, she gets emotional and points out that this isn’t just happening to him it is happening to their relationship. She needs time alone and goes off for a cry. Returning later they hug it out and decide to camp there. Still in the grey zone and still no sign of the campsite they are heading for they decide to set up their own camp again. The early appearance of intelligence in this couple is starting to wane. They camp and set up a campfire, sat around the campfire they talk about children’s name. Then Beth sees a figure in the shadows of the forest. Josh spins around and they both clearly see the human shape move quickly into the woods, followed by a screech. This prompts Josh to scream ‘Fuck Off’ many times before they go away. They see many different figures around the glows of the campfire in the shadows of the woods. Panicked they hide in the tent. Yes, they actually do this! They listen to twigs breaking and clearly the human shaped things are getting closer. The couple unzip the tent and wait. Nothing, Josh gently pulls the tent door back open the figure is in the distance. Drops the tent flap down again. Lifts it again and the figure is closer and each time the thing gets closer. Josh says he is going to die, and Beth says no you are not going to die and climbs out of the tent, now there is maybe 5 or 6 figures around the camp. They stand back-to-back before she lets off a flare and runs. Josh follows her.

END OF DAY 4 – Something actually happened!!

Day 5 the sun is up, and the day is beautiful and bright. They are still running; they couldn’t walk all day but they can run all night. They stop running and realise they have no map, no food, and no water. Beth loses it and says she can’t cope with none of these whilst being chased by Vampires.

“They’re not vampires!” says Josh

“Black eyes, large white pointed teeth I know what a vampire looks like,”

They decide to keep going, but which way asks Beth. Josh says it’s a mountain we just keep climbing up and the station will be at the top. They find blood handprints and bits of bodies lying about and Beth walks into the middle of it. (D’oh!) They decide to keep walking up it then gets dark and night falls.

END OF DAY 5 – Nothing really happened today, and we are 45 minutes into the movie.

They are not going to stop and continue walking in the dark until they find a large building and leaving Beth with no defence at all in the middle of the woods Josh demands she waits while he investigates the building. He has a plan, meanwhile Beth has nothing but a killer smile to fend off at least 5 vampires in the middle of a forest in the middle of the night. Nice work Josh this plan had better be a good one. Josh returns and says he has been up to the third floor and the Ranger Station is just over this next hill. They run on chased by the dark figures in the trees. Beth trips and a female shape pounces on her. Only to be fended off by a larger male vampire who climbs on top of Beth and licks her face. Nope vampires bite necks mate, you forgot something there! After a lick he jumps off and runs away. We are now 54 minutes into the movie, and we have seen the vampires for the first time. When I say that you haven’t actually seen them, as it was too dark. They are people with long sharp fingernails and not much else.

Now Josh is in the dark.

Beth and Josh find the Rangers Station, but it appears to be abandoned until they find Steve’s hat and then his hand and some of his fingers. They find some keys and then spot some missing people posters on the wall, and they are all those that have been chasing the couple. Beth realises that they must of been these people at some point before becoming those things. Beth spots a gun leaning against the wall. Leaving it there they head for the other room. Josh reaching back into the room to claim the gun. Firing the gun he scares them out of the other room so they come back in and see a trap door and Josh decides to head to the basement to hide.

Scary face?

Scary ain’t he? Well, no he isn’t. I am going to say that spoilers will follow as the twist is about to come and if you are going to watch this movie then skip to the END MOVIE PLOT Bit (I’ll make it red so you can’t miss it!)

Gun at the ready the vampire runs away back up the stairs and the two back away from the stairs not realising that they are in fact stood not in front of a brick wall but a wooden door. Which a vampire bursts through grabs Josh and drags him off into the darkness beyond. Beth is alone again. Scared she huddles in a corner before a figure looms out of the darkness and grabs her. Its Josh again, saying “It just wasn’t my time!” I tell you something these Vampires are rubbish both should be fanged by now but no they are back together embraced in the basement of the Ranger Station.

They tell each other that they love each other it is a this points that Josh stabs Beth in the neck with that needle Beth found in his backpack. How did he get that out of the bag when they were attacked by the vampires then? I don’t know but I have an idea. Beth is out cold when he drags her to the car, they found the keys for. He drives to the Mausoleum and drags her in and puts her under the tree. Beth starts to wake, and Josh is please it will be better that way. Josh then explains that he didn’t believe Nick when he told me about this place but when these things showed up and kept pushing us this way is when I thought it was true. Josh explains that you need to “sacrifice a loved one to save your own life.” Then slashes Beth’s throat and she falls at the alter to die.

Oh that Mausoleum!!

The tree leaks its sap water/blood stuff and Josh drinks well from its juices. He laughs as he leaves. Vincent watches as Josh walks back to the vehicle. On the radio he says as suspected the group has a new member. The voice on the radio asks is it a catch and release and Vince says no I think we will need to bring this one in. Josh reaches his car, and the music starts. We are 1 hour and 12 minutes into this (included the 3-minute introduction). Josh gets back to his car and looking at the empty seat next to him with tears in his eyes he undoes the bandage around his hand and the wound is healed. The tears turn to joy, and he drives off into the distance. Boom all done Josh is a royal dick and the movie is over 1 hour 14 minutes. The black fades to reveal Beth’s body on the floor of the Mausoleum. She takes in a large and sudden breath revealing white fangs and black eyes. The end credits roll and we are 1 hour and 15 minutes on the clock.

PLOT ENDS

YOU CAN RESTART READING AGAIN HERE.

As already mentioned, I liked this story, but I can tell you what is wrong with it. It is advertised as a vampire movie, and it isn’t. Vampires kill people by biting necks and turning people into vampires or sucking them dry of blood thus killing them. Where these creatures like to screech and howl in the night. Chase people and jump on them before running off. They also get shot and run off. Invade campsites and run off. They run off more than anything else. They capture people and just let them go. What benefit is it to them to play out this story each time. I cannot see it myself. So, if you are watching this then it is probably on the horror channel or linked to horror in some way. This isn’t much of a horror movie. Nothing much happens, I mean we are six nights into the movie and the Vampires haven’t killed anyone. Why? Because they kill no one in the entire movie. They don’t even hurt anyone; they get Beth pretty scared but that is it.

It’s not a horror movie and its not a vampire movie which is its problem as this is how it is promoted. Which to me seems like an exceptionally good reason why people hate this movie as it is not what is advertised. Not even close. Added to that it is a very short story as well this could have been wrapped up and done easily under 40 minutes, I could even push that under 30 minutes really. Nothing happens for the first hour and then truly little happens after that as well. The Vampires are rubbish in view and in character and they are not actually vampires but an indirect descendants of what Vampires should be and they are simply not.

The two main actors are believable and that is all I would ask for in actors of any movie. Is this movie going to win an Oscar? No. Never. Sorry but 1 hour of walking through woods isn’t the most exciting of horror movies. Then you get the twist, and the villain is revealed and it is not a shock really as when you watch it a second time it is not subtle. It is there from the beginning and wandering off the road and onto the moors is a bad move yet knowing the horror movies that they reference in this movie doesn’t stop them ignoring the rules and playing straight into the non-violent chasey creatures of the night. It is one of those rare occasions where Dracula would be turning in his grave. I can fully understand why Horror fans would hate it. Action movie fans would hate it as there is no action. Those looking for sex movies will be extremely disappointed as there is none. Blood and gore lovers would also be disappointed. There is some but truly little! Plot holes a plenty which I can cover many of them (well some at least) but there are some which means changing in the theory of the story. Where if this was a true Vampire movie the plot covers, I have in my head would simply be rubbish. As Vampires are a snarling evil creature killing humans for their own survival and/or just for fun, which blows a hole in my plot hole covers. The holes are why the hell would you head for the grey zone when told not to. How does the needle turn up when it does? Why does the flares work to scare the creatures away when the fire doesn’t? Terrified why do they hide in the tent, telling all exactly where they are. Why does Steve get killed there is no benefit to the plot for this and if they have killed and eaten Steve why not Vincent. If there are only two rangers on this mountain who the hell is Vince speaking to at the end of the movie. Why are these Vampires just scary without any substance? Why does a three-day hike takes them six including a short cut? I know he is sick, but they normally quote the longest time to people at the bottom of everything. 3 days should be all done. Yet they walk back down within a day? How can they run all night long, yet they can’t walk all day? Or enough to reach the top within 4 days. Why have the waterfall and pool to swim scene in the movie as this just confuses the viewer as to where the hell they are on this mountain. Many of these could have a simple reasons but again this makes the creatures of the piece seem pathetic and just poor and sad. They are almost pointless for the story, in fact give me a second and I will think this through as removing them would this affect the story at all? They add truly little except some shadowy scares throughout the second half. Well final 20 minutes. The fight with Josh is the only scene where you see how strong they are (well one of them) for the rest of the time they screech and howl but they could of achieved the same thing with some ghostly figure that emits from the alter and image there. That could have been scary and confusing to the viewer but made more of the story at the end. Having a ghost entity forming the route rather than vampires that aren’t vampires.

The question I can hear you asking is why did I like it? Well, it was different and was blatant about its story but drugged up the way I was I didn’t see it myself on first viewing. Watching a second time I still can’t believe how I hardly noticed all those signs . When I say hardly as I had noticed and could see where this movie was going before the ‘actual’ story had begun. Did it put me off? Clearly not!

I enjoyed it and would suggest giving it a go. Twice I’ve seen it and I have enjoyed it both times. Extraordinarily little happens and it’s all finished in just over an hour. It could almost come under the short film category for awards as it won’t win any at the horror movie prize winner’s circle.

·

Redwood - So Bad...

It's Good (well it’s alright – I’ll go that far!)

You want the punchline to this movie. I downloaded this movie for a pound on a popular online Film and TV showing service. They overcharged me and doubled the price to £2 which I will leave and not complain about. Then last night they advertised it on the Horror Channel for free... FML!!

Joker Clown (#4)

Coming out of nowhere and flying down the outside of the pack to make a surprise entrance to this list is Joker Clown a Birthday present that I hope doesn’t offend the gift giver as this is a gem that I couldn’t resist adding to my reviews. I must start by reminding you that this was a birthday present and I have no prior knowledge or information about this movie until I unwrapped the gift and stared down on the cover below.

The DVD cover of the movie.

I put the DVD in the player and the face above stares back at you whilst you have the option of doing nothing or hitting the ‘play option’ so taking my seat on the sofa at 11.30pm ish I begin to watch the “Seriously Twisted Clown!” oh nightmares are coming!!

THE PLOT

OK long plot description this time, I think. We open with two people one bloke that looks old but that might just be his beard and an oriental woman. Carrying a stuffed toy clown (its big mind you) about 4 ft when held up. They stuff the clown into a cage, and I guess they assume it is locked in as the bloke goes out to make a phone call with a worried family member. Meanwhile the woman back inside turns around to find that the clown is gone. It might be a good point of the plot to explain that the cover above looks nothing like the clown on the screen. Here is our clown:

Joker Clown... Scary?

She is now worried about the missing clown and is clearly scared. He walks in carrying a knife raised in his right hand. We cut back to the chap out on his phone. Cut back and the clown has managed to overpower this woman and lock her into the big round sword throwing spinning wheel things. Struggling to get out the clown spins the wheel around. Weeeeeeee she goes. Well, she screams. Large kitchen knife (ala Michael Myers) in hand, desperate woman with no way to defend herself locked in an X shape and defenceless. The clown decides to unscrew an industrial size fan, removing the safety wires from the front he slowly moves towards his victim careful not to pull the plug out of the wall or trip on the wire. Having ignored the screams from inside whilst chatting on the phone the death scream finally prompts our man to go back inside and see what all that screaming was about. He finds his partner tied to the wheel with fan slashes across her face. Oh no he thinks the clown’s got out and attacked the woman I left alone with it. Boo!! The clown pops up behind him and oh no covers him in petrol. (Gas if you are American). This must be magic petrol as it makes our man cower on the floor in fear as the clown pulls out a large box of Swan matches. Oh no he lights the match and boom the screen goes yellow with the fire that the chap had no defence against. Like running back out the door he come in or moving away from the clown. No absolutely no defences at all. Wow, this movie is off to a flier!!

We now join a pregnant woman who is being driven to a surprise. The surprise is she is given a house! Well, she isn’t given it but it is being rented for her, by her sister and brother-in-law. Why? It’s because she is pregnant with her sister’s and brother-in-law’s baby, a baby they couldn’t have themselves. We find out later that she is on the rebound from a bad relationship with some guy called Danny. He got her into drugs that made her black out and she couldn’t remember periods of time. To thank her family for getting her out of that she offered to have their baby. This way she can relax have the baby, escape the dominance of mum, and have their baby safely. I am sure once done and the baby is in their arms they will stop paying for the rent on the house and cut her loose and leave her get on by herself. The main character is called Lane and her sister is Lisa.

Later she meets up with mum who drives a soft top, and they go shopping together. Well, when I say together, they go off in different direction. Lane heads into a book shop where she meets one of the most overacting woman in the history of cinema. Here she is sat next to our villain.

Killer Clown meet bored actress. Bored actress this is Joker Killer Clown Doll.

By the end I realised she was the best actor in this movie. Our heroin spots the clown doll sat there and she stares at it, and it stares back because THAT’S ALL IT CAN DO!! She stares some more. Until they are nose to nose and then there was the only jump scare in the movie that made me jump. This maybe because this movie had me on edge or it was more because I had decided that this movie was going to be bad, and I was trying to write some notes and not looking at the screen at the time. When a loud bang brought my attention back to the screen and it was our over actor. Who realised that the women in her shop was falling in love with the clown?

“Would you like it?”

“Would I?”

“OK, Make me an offer?”

“but I don’t know how much these things go for!” She smiles

“£50”

Book shop woman seems shocked and sad. Lane tries to think of another offer when she is cut off by bookshop lady again who says she just wanted to see how much you wanted it and you have shown me that. It’s a deal and its about 4 ft when it stands.

Lane - “Oh, it’ll be perfect for my baby!”

The viewers – WTF lady?

She takes the clown home puts it in a rocking chair. Later that night with the new phones installed she takes her place for the evening watching scary movies. She is a horror fan after all; hence she likes the clown enough to buy it. I was starting to think there was a psychic link between the two, but this is hinted at but never really followed through. Whilst sat there on the rocking chair clearly breathing heavily the clown is sat watching. It is some bloke in a suit and mask it doesn’t take a genius to work this out. OK back to the enthralling story line as Lane receives a phone call on the new line that NO ONE has the number for. Its Danny her ex, how did he get the number? but she tells him to get stuffed and hangs up. The phone rings again and she answers it angrily but is surprised by a random voice on the line. She apologises for her tone then says this is... and do you have the wrong number? Yes, I think I have. After the sorry this chap now starts making small talk and flirting with Lane. She is chatting with him as well. And he calls back and follows up the chat with further stuff. Meanwhile the clown is rocking the chair with his feet and crying blood.

Next day a random friend comes to visit, and she doesn’t like the clown.

“A face only a mother could love!” covers it with a small blanket (Looks like a muslin square to me). Whoops the audience already know this is going to be a bad idea and she is up and batting first in the victim’s column. She spends the night with Lane but seeing as Lane isn’t working, she has to go visit her brother-in-law at the boxing gym leaving our victim (Sorry friend) alone in the house with the clown.

She is spooked by a smashing mug/plate thing. So, wants to find her phone and get out as soon as possible but without her phone she won’t go. She goes in search but going upstairs whilst still searching but luckily it rings so she finds it under something. Turning to go downstairs the clown is now sat on the top of the stairway. Staring at her again. She is scared as she approaches to step over it and leave. But the clown with a large knife in its pocket grabs a yellow and black HB pencil that it has sharpened ahead of this type of emergency. The friend approaches the clown, and it strikes. Stabbing the pencil through her hand. Now this pencil does two magical things at this point. Firstly, it grows in length as one-half hangs low on the outside of her hand. Meanwhile the straight pencil now has an upside-down V shape as the large part that was in the clown’s hand is now hanging low on the other side of her hand. Clearly the prop is too heavy to lay flat as the pencil should, meaning both ends are hanging low on both sides of her hand. Either the pencil snapped and should have fallen out or it developed a U shape when entering her hand. She runs downstairs where she steps on a broken mug the clown had placed there earlier. The mug isn’t long enough to break through the sole of her shoe but somehow its through and blood is pouring through the hole. She now cannot walk on it. The clown is stalking her now with that big knife that could have done the job 10 minutes ago. But he is enjoying this though isn’t he. I have had a hole in my ankle and walked for miles, I have had glass in bare foot, and it hurts but a killer clown with a knife would mean I use my toes and get the hell out of dodge. Nope she skims along the floor like one of those self-driving vacuum cleaners. Until boom he stabs her in the head. Which is done quite well. If a hair being stabbed is effective. This could have been done with a knife slicing the ankle and a stab to the hand. She is despatched. Yet within a hours Lane is home and not a sign of any struggle or blood anywhere. I tell you what he might be a psycho killer, stalking and enjoying the different ways he kills his victims, but he can clean better than Kim and Aggie, this house sparkles. You would hire him for this service if you could get over the murdering part.

Lane is home again and the phone rings this time it just has static on it. The large penny in my head that was slowly rolling to the edge finally dropped. This clown’s mask isn’t going to come off to reveal the actually scary clown on the front cover, is it? This is the scariest this thing is going to get. If scary face were coming it would have been hinted or shown by now. The cover lied! I feel cheated and guess that I am going to have to suffer the below for the rest of the movie.

Joker Killer Clown Doll Thing

After the static call the random guy calls again, this time he mentions that he lives close by, and she gets spooked how do you know that? We have the same area code obviously. If this is in London that really narrows it down, doesn’t it? Look at the Guildford area code for example that will mean that everyone in there must be neighbours.

A map for you.

Lane is distracted by the clown rocking in its chair and comes and stops the rocking. The friendly stranger on the phone is called Oliver and I guess I missed when he said Oliver Reed. As this is brought up later. That night there is another attempt at a jump scare as the shadow of the clown passes the background of the room. WE ALREADY KNOW HE IS ALIVE AND KILLING PEOPLE, LANE WILL BE THERE FOR THE BIG FINISH. THIS IS NOT SCARY.

A policewoman arrives as Lane’s friend hasn’t arrived home and she was last seen at her home. Where she went out and left her friend behind, remember. Which I thought was a bit weird myself. This copper on the other hand is practically accusing a heavily pregnant woman of killing her friend. There are insinuations here left right and centre. For a single female police officer in a stranger’s home, she has some balls. Mum arrives and puts an end to the blatant accusations of this poor girl by a solo copper sat on her sofa. The phone rings and Lane answers and its Oliver again meanwhile the clown cries blood tears again. Mum tells Lane off for speaking to a random guy on the phone. She forbids her from speaking to him again.

Mum drives home with the clown on the backseat (doesn’t spot it at all). Once home she puts the radio on a chair in the corner of the bathroom whilst talking on the phone to her son(?) not sure where he has been for the rest of the movie or after this point as well. She is in the bath and talking on the phone drinking red wine and chilling. Meanwhile walking up the stairs is our man in a clown suit. Pulling from his pocket the massive knife ready to kill again. He stands in the doorway looking at the naked mum in the bath. He tightens his grip on the handle of the knife she starts to open her eyes and he springs into action. Running at high speed towards the bath. He grabs the radio and throws it in the bath. Two things firstly I am impressed with his judgement of the length of the cable to know it would reach the bath and secondly, he has a massive knife in his hand and is a killer. What was more fun, and the answer is electrocution. She shakes a lot and then crosses her eyes. While the lights go on and off. I bet they had fun filming this!

Oliver Reed (when sober)

Oliver calls Lane again and says he is terribly upset as he has done a bad thing. Eventually he says he has killed someone. Lane tells him to hang up call the police and never call me again. Oliver ignores and keeps talking then says I’ve just killed your mother. Lane panics, hangs up and calls the police.

Guess what the same officer turns up to investigate, she does missing people as well as murder investigations now. Even though she clearly thinks this girl is the killer despite her calling to report the potential murder of her mum. She is back making accusations again. She also points out that they have tracked the calls to the house, and none have been recorded. So did Danny call? Did Oliver call? Who is this, Oliver? With the copper sat on the sofa with her brother-in-law Lane pulls up a laptop and looks up Oliver Reed on google instantly finds a serial killer. “Go find him” she says! I don’t need to says the police officer Oliver died in 2001 and cannot be calling you. She has a lot of knowledge instantly about a serial killer maybe she is a student of this type of crime which is why she is in the missing persons team. Claiming that she has nothing to go on with the serial killer thing as she cannot chase ghosts around. She leaves.

Sister Lisa arrives and she argues with her hubby about her sister carrying a baby and whether she is back on the drugs and she is blacking out again which is why she is missing so much again. Lane can hear the whole conversation. She gets angry and says she is keeping the baby that gets them worried. The plan is now that sister stays with Lane and slips a med into her drink which leaves her in a paralysed state so she will sleep and rest and be better for it the next day. Where they can start over. The sisters chat over a drink and Lane apologises and says of course the baby is yours and she can confirm it is a girl she was checked the other day. Lisa is over the moon and as Lane drifts off she tells her husband about the girl that is due, she also explains about the drug she has slipped into the drink. The clown hears this and slips one into Lisa’s drink before Lisa takes decisive action and finished her drink takes the ugly doll and throws it out in the trash. When trying to walk back into the house the drug kicks in and she is paralysed and falls to the ground. The clown makes a noose and hangs Lisa from the upper balcony. She runs out of breath and swings there helpless.

Clowny goes into Lane’s room knowing she is drugged pulls back the covers and gives the baby bump a bit of a hug. Lane later wakes up throws him on the floor and goes to find her sister. Lane slips on the blood that wasn’t dripping out of her sister minutes before. Clown moves over her giving the one finger over its lips in the shhh motion. Lane blacks out.

She wakes to doorbells and knocking but her sister is gone, and Aggie and Kim have worked wonders again as Lisa’s blood is gone completely, no trace whatsoever. Lane heads for the door but is tripped by the clown and lands on her bump. Whilst she is walking around the clown’s head is tracking her around the room. She opens the door and John the brother-in-law comes in. Asking for answers, John gives up and starts searching the house. Meanwhile Lane finds a ring on the clown and the clown moves. Elsewhere John finds a smell in a room and forces open a wardrobe the three women victims fall out.

Here's Johnny... well here is Ollie and he could scare himself in a mirror...

Lane’s waters break and the phone rings. Oliver is there again telling Lane to come back and come closer. Lane pulls out a massive knife (they must have got a job lot at the time), while John calls the police and disarms Lane of the knife which he conveniently drops on the clown. Clown stabs John in the back wildly with the knife going down on his back but coming up when it comes out the front. Magic knife like the magic pencil. The clown goes nuts stabbing the poor John. You can see the spray of the bottle on Lane with the fake blood. The clown is coming for her when the baby is born, and this stops the clown from killing her apparently. The police rush in see Lane covered in blood and all the bodies everywhere. The police find a baby on the floor (well a bundle of a blanket) they pick it up and check. They do say it’s a baby, but they do not seem concerned about its health considering the blood around they seem to be more concerned that the baby is a boy and not a girl which Lane believed it to be. What does that change in the police investigation? I don’t know, but this appears to be the shocking conclusion to what was a terribly bad movie.

I have given the whole plot to save you watching. When I went to look this movie up then next day. I discovered that it was called another name. Here is the poster for it.

Still not 'Our' Clown Doll though.

You will notice that this picture again has nothing to do with the actual movie clown at all. Neither this nor the cover that I have has any screen time in the movie. It is simply used to draw people into watching this pile. The plot probably isn’t too bad as an idea, but it feels like this movie started as a killer doll. It then progressed that this killer could blame someone else each time and then move onto the next victim to blame. Which in principle isn’t a bad idea. It just feels like they went oh stuff it lets just get this done. The fact you can see the ‘doll’ breathing the second it arrives home means that you know it’s a bloke in a suit with papier mache mask and a brightly coloured hair. It makes the viewer have too much information rendering the clown unscary. If it were the ploy to make you think it was Lane all along and the clown was just in her head this would have been a better idea, they just left this on the floor. The clown isn’t scary and renaming it Joker Clown as they did with the Bad Nun just to coin in on people getting the wrong movie when searching for the Joker or ‘It’ parts one or two. Seriously type Joker Clown in google you find image after image of The Joker movie and the clown in ‘it’.

This is an 18-certificate horror movie selling itself on being scary and it failed in that. The clown changing weapon of death at the last second is a shock but its lame and a poor idea. A clown stabbing the hell out of someone is scarier than a pencil and a mug in the foot. The special effects are poor, and the acting isn’t great. They are believable enough and it appears to be a British movie as well which means low budget here is about a third of what low budget is in the states. It means that I would really like to enjoy this and spread the word of a British movie beating the World but this movie is not going to get close. However this was funded is not important the result however is a non-scary, non-funny, non-entity of a movie which I can save you from watching. Please do not give yourself the pain of sitting through this nugget of nothingness. The clown isn’t scary, the picture on the cover is scarier than the entire movie put together. Please save 1 hour and 33 minutes of your life and do something else. Taking a dump whilst scrolling through Facebook is more entertaining.

THE VERDICT – Joker Clown = So Bad...

It’s Awful

Bubba Ho-tep (#3)

Bubba Ho-tep

I have made a judgement call to do a movie that I have reviewed in my 402 list, but this time I will give much more detail on the plot and then must give this one some serious thought about why I love this movie. And I will admit that straight off the bat I love this movie. I have seen it many times and have recommended it to so many people I have lost count. I will even go through the usual conversation whenever we get onto the subject of the Bubba. I will have to give some serious thought as to what is good about it, but I can list the issues with it easily and that is the typical B movie mode of low budget and a stupid plot. This covers both of those basis.

THE PLOT

I will go through the issue I have promoting this movie. As I would normally get on the subject of the movie somehow and then I would describe the movie as “the greatest movie that you are never going to watch”.

Which is always followed by the other person almost taking offence and now seeing this as a challenge.

“No, Go on try me.”

“Well, it stars one of my acting heroes, namely Bruce Campbell!”

“Ok, no problem continue,”

“Well, he plays Elvis Presley.” I will lose some there when they think it’s an Elvis movie.

“But it is a Horror movie!” Some more fall at this hurdle.

“but its not gory or very scary!” I lose some of those that were here for the horror at this stage.

“You still with me? Yes! Well in that case then here is the plot…”

As I go through the plot at varying different points the remaining folks will drop off. So here we go (in lots more detail than I would do with these conversations)!!

Moving through a brief introduction of a dictionary explanation of what a Bubba is and a Ho-tep followed by a news reel from years ago about the mummy’s being moved from Egypt to the US to go in Museums.

The movie really begins when we move to a retirement home in Mud Creek, (East) Texas where we get the voice over of Elvis Presley talking about the growth on his penis. Life is passing him by at a pace and he is missing everything including his ex-wife, Priscilla. His roommate really doesn’t seem very well and is coughing so much his bed shakes. Elvis calls for a nurse, but it appears it is too late for him as after the coughing we see the funeral directors arrive to take him away.

Elvis

The first victim is an old lady (obviously) who has spent the day stealing from the other guests. This way we don’t feel so bad when a scarab beetle attacks her followed by the villain of the movie Ho-tep the mummy. Who has just begun his rein of terror sucking out the souls of the members of the retirement home to the point where they die, and he claims their souls.

Ho-tep hunting souls

The movie itself continues with a voice over of Elvis talking about his Penis and the growth on it pretty much throughout. When the roommate’s daughter arrives to sort through his things that they explain how Elvis back in the day grew tired of his life in the limelight without true friends. Priscilla had left him, and he could have other women, but he had no true love or friends around him. So, he hatched a plan to swap places with an Elvis impersonator called Sebastian Haff. They signed a contract to swap places with a clause that should the situation change, and he wanted to change back at a later date. Unfortunately, in a barbeque accident he lost his copy of the contract which meant that was his last chance to change back. Of course, no one in the retirement home believes him except for Jack. Jack is black and in a wheelchair who believes that he is John F Kennedy.

Elvis & Jack checking the graffiti in the visitors toilet

Spending more time together Jack realises what is happening and explains to Elvis what is happening in the Retirement Home. Jack read some Egyptian writing on the walls of the toilets and the body count rising he works out that there is a Mummy coming into the home at night sucking the souls out of the elderly residents.

They decide that no one will believe them, so they must take care of this business all by themselves. Teaming up with Elvis with a walking frame and JFK in a wheelchair they prepare to do battle with the Evil Soul Sucking Mummy with Elvis quoting

“I'll be damned if I let some foreign, graffiti writin', soul suckin', son of a bitch in an oversized cowboy hat and boots take my friend's souls and shit 'em down the visitors toilet!”

That should be plenty of the plot to keep you going.

Now the plot is done with I have to explain why I love this movie which may be trickier than picking up the silliness of the plot. I must admit this is a classic B-Movie tactic of writing a plot that is funny. The difference being this one puts an arm around the audience and says let’s laugh at this together. It doesn’t take itself too seriously, but it plays the movie as a classic, a plot that you can truly laugh at without even watching the movie. It is so silly that once you laugh - its got you as you will giggle with each scene and comment that Elvis or Jack makes. You are also drawn into the story of Elvis where you believe his back story and why he is acting the way he is. The voice over means he always talks about his penis and his countdown to the end of his days. He also gets a second lease of life when this all kicks off and he goes from counting down to his death to finding a great reason to live. To kill themselves a mummy. It is silly but the movie has a soul all by itself. The two of Jack and Elvis play off each other they have some funny lines between them, and Jack is played by Ossie Davis by perfection. He delivers the comedy lines whilst you laugh at the look of Elvis who is always moaning about his nob. Going into battle with Jack in a sharp suit and Elvis in his white jump suit just makes me smile.

JFK & Elvis Presley going into battle

There aren’t the plot wholes like you get with many movies of this budget so you can just sit back and enjoy. This movie is also available completely free on YouTube and whole and complete without adverts. You can just go and enjoy it all for yourself. I would suggest you find a way to watch it on a big screen and sit comfortable this should not be watched on your phone on a train. That way you will enjoy it properly.

This film stars one of my favourite actors in Bruce Campbell. He has become a ‘B-Movie’ specialist and I love him for it, but I am not obsessed enough to say all his movies are simply great, because they are simply not. One of the worst movies I have ever seen he stars in and had writing and producing credits and quite frankly it was awful. That I will save for another day. Until then his movies are hit and miss. He appeared in all three Spiderman movies with Toby Maguire and Congo and one of the vampire movies which name escapes me. He was probably most famous for the Evil Dead movies and TV shows. He is a fine actor and very funny in real life when meeting the public. He is one of the good ones and this is one of his best movies. He has done many a bad movie and I am a little surprised this is in my list here, but I feel it should get a mention as it gets slated but is simply fantastic.

I will go all out and say I love this movie; I will argue the toss with the MANY people that hate it and say its bad. I will happily argue with them as I will never accept that this is bad without added that it is so bad that its Fantastic. This is loved by me and many others which had given this movie a cult following. There was talk of a sequel, but it never happened and a piece of me is pleased about it. This is a one-off work of stupid perfection and trying to recreate it would risk destroying the original work and that really shouldn’t be risked or tampered with. This is one to just sit back and enjoy.

THE VERDICT –

Bubba Ho-tep = So Bad – It's Fantastic!!

Late Phases (#2)

I am currently racking my brain to work out who told me this is a bad movie and should be included here as I would have to disagree. Aha it’s a werewolf movie which means it cannot be any good can it. This movie was also called Night of the Wolf: Late Phases. Although when you watch the opening credits there is no Night of the Wolf business it just says Late Phases. I feel obliged to name the actors in this one as there are a few names you might recognise. Starting at the top –Nick Damici, Ethan Embry, Lance Guest, Erin Cummings, Rutanya Alda, and Tom Noonan and I think that is the point where I am going to stop.

The poster

THE PLOT

Straight into the plot with this one as we meet the main character one Ambrose McKinley who is looking at Gravestones. Starting with the small ones that he hates because you can walk on them without seeing the names. He does manage to get a 5% discount and some flowers for when he makes up his mind. After not making a decision, he is driven by his son and daughter-in-law to the Crescent Bay - Retirement Community where he is being moved to. We assume to see out the remaining of his day. By now we have established that he is a Veteran and his guide dog Shadow who is fair sized German Shepherd devoted to their master. We hear that the community is on the edge of a large forest, and he stumbled into next doors garden. Where Delores lives who is having a yard sale which seems strange to do in a gated community you could have just peddled those wears directly to them. Ambrose is fingering some necklaces when Delores says he doesn’t look much like a necklace wearer.

There straight the point honesty and cheeky conversation means you know they are going to hit it off in a friendly neighbourhood way. Ambrose is led back into the house by his son Will whilst there his house is invaded by what I would describe as three clucking hens as they come in with gifts and food and a high-pitched fussing introduction. Here we meet Gloria, Anna, and Emma they are immediately intimidated by the fact he is a blind vet with a firearm. They make their way and leave.

Later that night Delores is on the phone to her daughter whilst Ambrose is finding his way around. Delores explains that doesn’t want to get a third dog as if this one runs away like all the others, she is not sure she could take the rejection again. In the background we see a shadow of something that looks like it’s in the house. We then hear the dog flap go with a bang and assume this thing has gone outside. Only for it to start banging on the door. Why did it go out to come back in again? The banging disturbs Ambrose who can now hear a commotion going on next door.

The beast attacks

The doors of Delores home are smashed through and in comes a hairy beast that looks over 7 foot tall very hairy and big bunny like ears. You don’t get to see the face completely, but you do get a brief close up of the jaws of this thing just before it attacks the friendly Delores. Shadow is going berserk, and Ambrose is struggling to get his gun. Meanwhile the beast has moved next door and is after Ambrose (interesting introduction to the community) he gets into a fight with this thing just as Shadow leaps to his defence but is struck down by the strong claws of the thing. It bashes its way through the back windows of Ambrose’s new home and wanders off into the night.

We see Delores in a bloody mess which I could describe as it is clear these guts have just been laid on top of the actress. I might be a little harsh there as it’s a cheap trick done a million times and I shouldn’t be critical for that reason. We cut back to Ambrose cradling his brave dog that has just saved his life whilst he knows he must put the dog down so pulls out the gun again.

They take the dog to the vet who reports this type of thing happening around that area every month. He comes home and meets Delores’s daughter who is feeling bad as she didn’t listen to her mums’ warnings and move her out. They couldn’t afford it and all.

Ambrose digs a hole

Ambrose starts digging in the garden. The postman arrives and asks what happened he asks the postman to follow the blood with him. It takes him to Gloria and George’s house. She grows vegetables and George is in an iron lung. In his blind way he finds the lung and is touching the knobs when she comes in and screams at him about not killing him and sends Ambrose on his way. He heads back home and continues digging. The police arrive to explain it was probably some creature from the woods and that they are here because of two incidents of creature attacks last night and a complaint about him. He pulls a flier out of his pocket and says this was in his post box and asks what it is? The police read it too him. It’s a flier for a church sermon and Sunday get together. Sounds like a good way to investigate so decides to go along.

Gets on the small white bus the next morning meeting James Griffin who organises the bus with the help of the priest. The priest is conveniently sitting the other side of him. The priest smokes and Ambrose can tell it straight away.

Taking a break from digging by walking around with a spade.

The Priest is keen to help Ambrose and they get chatting about how they become a priest and a soldier, respectively. Ambrose points out that he is not planning on being around much longer anyway. Which upsets the priest.

Ambrose keeps digging.

The next bus trip the three hens talk to James about the nasty blind man cutting up the floors with his shovel as he won’t use sticks anymore. They suggest he goes on alternative vehicles.

Next week the bus drives past and he is collected by James in his estate car.

Ambrose recognises the smell of the priest again and now has his suspicions (you must work this out yourself) Ambrose starts to say about the Priest when on the return journey with Jim. Jim gets really angry saying that you can criticise anyone in this town including myself, but I will not have one bad word said against the Priest! Who has saved many a soul in this town and elsewhere?

Ambrose goes and buys a massive gravestone with a cross on it and pays in cash. Asks where he can get a gun. Gets sent to a chap in town. He gets the chap delivering the headstone to drive him to town. He meets the gunsmith and asks for him to make silver bullets. Then asks who else has asked for something like this? Just one man about a year ago by the name of….

Cut to Jim covered in scars and open wounds, pushing dogs into a furnace.

The plot it thickens.

You know what I am going to cut this off early as I don’t want to spoil this movie for you. The Werewolf sees the blind dude walking around with a bag from the gun shop. Decides it needs more support so goes around town biting people to recruit an army (well a small gang or elderly people) to co-ordinate an attack on a blind bloke and a gun. The grand finale is set with Ambrose waiting for a single beast to arrive then realising there is a horde of them ready to attack.

I said they didn't look great

EARLY END TO THE PLOT

OK I am calling this plot early as I really don’t want to spoil this movie for you. It is a good movie Ok it may not have the budget of a great epic. It may also be a Werewolf movie and you are not allowed to do werewolf movie anymore as werewolves just are not scary. Well, this one isn’t that scary to a horror movie buff you know when the scares are coming and the gore (yes there is plenty of that) to keep your horror nuts happy but it’s not oozing gore for the sake of gore. It is a clever simple story that doesn’t spoon feed the audience what is going on it grants them a level of intelligence to be able to follow what is going on inside Ambrose’s head without him having to read the plot to you. It works. Ok the beasts are animatronic but at least you get to see them on screen and not CGI’s on later to make them look like some Scooby-Doo cartoon villain. They are in the room and scary to the actors I’d guess. They can act to an actual thing not a tennis ball and a description from the director. Nick plays a grumpy old blind man coming to terms with where his life is right now to perfection. He says what he says and gets on with it. If people don’t like it then tough that’s on them not his truth. The clucking hens are set about the right level. They don’t take over, so you hate them, but you know they are going to be annoying throughout. The scene when Ambrose is half in darkness, he hears the wolf go and his son and he slips into the darkness of the cupboard has so many potential hidden meaning. This is simply a cheap and cheerful werewolf horror movie, if those words were on the side of the tin you wouldn’t complain about what you got.

The creatures are just not scary. The animatronics could be too good and gives the wolves too much personality when being scary would have been better. Note to dog soldiers here the animated wolves in that are terrible but they are damn scary when they come for you. Here the granny wolves are just too funny to be scary when they are running around the town at night. Having said that I don’t know who told me this is a bad movie because I simply disagree with you. This is not a fantastic movie that will win a hat-full of Oscars, no and far from it! However, what this movie is can be put into a single sentence. It’s a cheap cheerful film with plenty of entertainment, some scares and gore to keep you away from the real world for a good 1 hour and 33 minutes. This is the second movie for the review, and we have one from each extreme as bad as the first one was, this is as good. I would recommend this if you were into werewolves and don’t mind a grumpy old man as the hero. In fact, this movie has the same influence as the main character he has charisma and only speaks when he must, if not he just sits there in silence, doesn’t have to speak so doesn’t. This movie doesn’t have to waffle on for 2 hours just to stretch a story point or create a sub-plot it just gets to the point and then says thanks you can go get on with whatever you want to now.

THE VERDICT – Late Phases = So Bad...

It’s Very Good

I am going to prefix this one with I cannot believe its…

The Planet of the Sharks (#1)

The Titles

Just remember that I am watching many of these to save you from doing so but there are elements that may push this one into the it is actually funny column. However, it is played too seriously to make this the case. The writing was on the wall from the moment I saw it was a Syfy movie channel film. Becoming famous for the bad CGI monsters or any other badly patched together CGI which can ruin a movie all by itself without any other issues. This did have a few other issues with it, which surprisingly has nothing to do with the acting. Although there are some points of note, which definitely helps bring this one down the pecking order. The plot itself does most of the drag it to the pits of hell all by itself. I know it’s a Syfy movie but many elements of this don’t make much sense and the sense of time and space also seem to be played with artistically to the point where you go hang on a minute how have they had the time to do this or do that or how did this character get there before they did. Then we move onto the close ups of people diving into the ocean miles from any land, yet you can see the sandy bottom below them. They are also in the middle of nowhere so how come the ocean is so murky you cannot make out anything just below the surface just the shark fins above it. The special effects are bad but there seems to be a wall going around every shot. If you look just behind the actors in any scene where they are standing on platforms on the ocean what is it with the waves hitting about 10/15 foot behind them that is causing the massive white wave that shoots across the back of the shot. Cut away before it hits dummy!

Watch out the sharks are coming

Having just mentioned the actors I have to say they are not the issue with this movie they play it with a straight bat and despite the odd bit of over acting here and there and the warrior princess with the deep south accent that then calls sharks at will with a drum and barrel dance is someone just not really needed for the plot. Have the overweight guy you used for comic effect be a lord of the island and plays for keeps when they come for trading. Well, I guess I should get to the main issue of this movie and that would be the plot. I warned you that these reviews will go much deeper into the plot and with this one I need to try and explain what the hell is supposed to be going on and the science behind it that just didn’t make much sense. Maybe I am over thinking it, but you do get to a point where you start to ask questions of what was going on. This then made me go back and watch it for a second time just to clarify, what the hell they were talking about. Well, I did that and still cannot make hell of the logic the made-up science I can live with but having no equipment on a water world where are they getting this tech from?

THE PLOT

So, we are set in the ‘near’ future where the CO2 gases have gone a bit over the top and caused the melting of the polar ice caps. Meaning 98% have melted into the oceans forcing a rise where 98% of the world is now under water. Plankton population has exploded, meaning the fish feeding on them have exploded in population as well, which in turn has seen a rise in all sea-life going up the food chain where the sharks are now kings of the planet being the largest predator on it. Sharks are simply top dogs in this new world. I could mention whales here and how the killer whales are more intelligent and actually attack and kill sharks, but I am being really too picky here. The question now is why a massive shark has there been come into the world. Much larger than the Great White Shark that it now controls in fact this Alpha Female Shark is controlling all the sharks. Sending its minions out to attack humans. Where is the daddy shark in all of this? No-where that is where.

The remaining humans that are alive have formed flotilla’s which they have labelled cities and we have three of note for this movie. I believe they are called:

Junk City – A wooden structure of walkways with larger platforms, looks a bit like the city pictured below but with much less buildings and walkways linking everything together. With homes made of wood sat on top of wooden planks. The population is believed to be around a few hundred people. Watching on screen I believe this number to be around 5 to 10.The people living here would not look out of place on the set of Mad-Max with their robes and hoods.

Salvation City – Which I believe is the picture above this has a reported population of 436 although those seen on screen leaves me to believe that the population here must be around 15 to 20. This city seems to be led by some kind of Warrior Princess type character with what to me sounded like a deep south accent. She is at one with the sea as the sea has taken everything from them, she can now take what she wants from the sea.

Here she is I spent the movie calling her Tarmarta (sounded like tomato whenever I said it). It turns out she is called Joanne D'Amato [So - I was close]

The third and final place of interest on this planet is the massive

Oceanic Research Base. Which has a name that I couldn’t be asked to remember it. There is a rocket launch bay at one end but also has massive concreted walled warehouses and science hubs full of FTE screens that simply don’t work.

Picture for illustration purposed only.

This is a proper floating city. How is it floating with this amount of concrete and brick on top? There is no need to ask those type of questions, as it just does. Get over it and move on. The base itself appears to be led by the chief science bod - a blonde frizzy haired, strong jawed, piercing blue eyed Doctor (but they all appear to be doctors here – even the cleaners are Dr Shine and Dr Sparkle). Sorry base leader is Dr Shaw who appears to have a more intelligent scientist as her number two namely Dr Nicholls who was Vest girl the first time, I watched this. Now Dr Shayne Nicholls appears to be an expert in anything and everything she turns her hands two. Kite surfing, fishing, wearing tight vests, building science things without tools or parts. You name it she can do it. Under number one and number two there appears to be the ‘do-ers Doctors’. Those that do all the work and get shouted at for not doing it quickly enough who are a pair of South African doctors namely Dr Munro and Dr Ishiro who I got completely around the wrong way as I believed the bloke was Dr Munro and I had no idea of the woman’s name. Which means for the rest of this the woman doctor will be called Dr Check-shirt (see).

Dr Check-Shirt

And despite the world being destroyed and completely at the whim of killer sharks the ever-present Bow Tie so he was named Dr Bow Tie by me.

Dr Bow Tie

The last part of the scenery would be the vast blue ocean which appears to be brown in places with a wall around it. As the waves keep hitting it!

There are other characters, but I will introduce them as I take a deep dive into the plot now.

Obviously, SPOILERS here as I will go into great detail of the entire plot.

The story begins on Junk City an appropriately named place as it gets destroyed within the first five minutes of the movie. Beatrice renamed Bea for the rest of the movie and here is a young girl wearing cloth clothes covering her head almost like tribes in the desert. (already shown above). The city and her people are attacked by badly created cartoon CGI Great White Sharks that have developed a lion like roar when they jump out of the ocean. They not only roar but they bite onto unbated hooks as a plan to drag parts of the city into the ocean so they could eat more people. In an attempt to keep her safe Bea is then shoved in a Barrel which she better get used to as she spends most of this movie getting tied to poles or shoved into boxes, barrels, or cages just to keep her safe whilst the grown-ups fight the cartoon sharks. Oh, she looks as old as the grown-ups anyway. I digress she is shoved in a barrel the rest of the population of this city (about 3 blokes) do battle with the killer sharks. Now these sharks are amazing as they have somehow developed a way to roar but they can also cause explosions on a predominantly wooden city with no electric power. The city is totally destroyed, and its people eaten except for Bea in the barrel on the platform.

On the city of Salvation an overweight guy who I believe is called Moffatt is trying to keep radio communication with his team. When one says they cannot see Junk City anymore he just assumes he is drunk and deploys Nathan a pilot who is flying a plane that looks like a gyrocopter. Where is the fuel for this? Don’t ask they just have it. Moffatt sends Nathan off in his single seater plane. Meanwhile the male hero Dillon Barrick is sailing around in a boat looking a little Orca-esk from Jaws. He sails to junk city seeing the devastation and the teamwork of the sharks he is scared enough to rescue Bea from the barrel and plans to take her with him back towards Oceanic Research Base. The sharks realise that his boat is safe because as soon as he and Bea are on there, they stop attacking. He reminds me of Kevin Costner in Waterworld.

Kevin Costner oh no sorry its not a shot from Waterworlds its Barrick from a Shark Movie.

Shoving Bea into the bowels of the boat to keep her safe he does the grown-up stuff of driving the boat over to the research base. When he arrives Bea refuses to leave the boat just like the sharks, she knows that it is safe in there and not safe on this massive concrete floating island that is the research base. Here we get to see the dream team come together.

From left to right Barrick (Kevin Costner), Dr Nicholls (Dr Vest), Dr Shaw (shouty lady), Bea (Oh just shove her in a box)

The young girl is not leaving the safety of the boat as she knows as much as the sharks as this boat is safe despite the massive concrete structure of the Research Base just one step away. The dream team comes together as Dr Vest tells Kevin that he is under contract and the fuel on his boat has come from them and he must take them over to Salvation for supplies. To prove the point about the sharks the leader shark is swimming towards them when Dr Shaw fires at the thing. Another shark leaps from the ocean taking the bolt for its leader. Meaning they are now dealing with clever sharks they must speed up their work before it’s too late. So, the dream team are together as the four go to meet Tomato the warrior princess to trade stuff, to finish their cleaning rocket.

Leaving the two South African Doctors to do all the work while they are off on a jolly. Check-shirt and Bow Tie get down to the saving the world business.

Dr Nicholls realised that as the water is still heating up the plankton is dying out and there are not enough plankton to keep the larger population of fish alive so as a chain reaction is going through meaning that the sharks no longer have enough seafood to survive and are now given up looking for food below the surface, they are now looking for food above the surface, humans are going to be their primary food source.

The scientist has a plan though so nobody panic. They have devised a scrubber rocket which will fire a rocket into the ionosphere, and it will clean up the CO2 which has cause the polar ice caps to melt. Meaning the world will cool down the ice shelves will return to both the north and south poles and the oceans will recede back to where they were.

Are you still with me?

Firstly, they need more parts and some help with the sharks where they travel over to Salvation and meet D’Amato. To me she has a deep south of America accent and for a long time yet leads a band of warriors dressed in Madmax inspired dress.

Meanwhile the main group have team up with the fat dude Moffatt who is sent with the supplies off with them. They are cast off the island by being bundled into a boat and paddled approximately 10 foot away and dropped where his boat should have been. Seriously they could have walked around the end of the pier thing and got their much quicker. They have the parts and the new team member of Moffatt all they need is to get away on Barrick’s boat.

The warriors mind you have heard their warning and decide they will begin a war with the sharks. They bang on some drums and bash on the wooden walkways of their city and low and behold the entire shark population rocks up led by the Alpha female shark. The sharks leap onto the wooden platforms and are easily despatched with spears before being booted back into the water. You’d think the hungry sharks would just eat them, but you will see below that the CGI sharks are out of the water and instantly bone dry. The question about the pic below is why are the tail fins not actually touching the wooden walkways?

The killer sharks are getting killed themselves. Also, what is stopping this base from floating away?

Barrick’s boat is not there one of D’Amato’s tomato men has stolen it and driven off into the sunset. The bearded warrior is hightailing it off as fast as the boat will go. This prompts Barrick into diving into the shallow waters (you can see the sand on the bottom – in fact, it looks it in the picture above) of the ocean to swim to catch up with his boat. Realising that the plot has thousands of hungry sharks in the ocean around him the rest of his band start banging on the wooden platform with oars and wooden items laying around the pier. Low and behold it works again, proving that these super intelligent sharks don’t bother with the instant meal of a swimming man with his electrical pulse they will go after the banging drums of the wood-on-wood action.

The sharks have also decided to stop jumping out of the water to attack the drums they are just going to stay in the water and swim around the drum show.

All the sharks dancing to the drums means Barrick is left alone so he can swim after his boat, and he manages to catch up with it. This must be one slow boat!! We find out later that 15 knots are its top speed, which must then mean he was swimming at three times faster than any previous human has swam before *worth a note Guinness Record Holders book!

Barrick leaps from the ocean onto the boat to have a fisty-cuffs with this bearded man. Holding him over the edge of the boat a shark leaps from the ocean removing poor old beardies head. So where did they come from? Oh, they stopped the drum show when he reached the boat. Those sharks must be quick to get back there in time as soon as the drums stopped. Elsewhere D’Amato has decided to leap off the end of a pier and is swallowed whole before she reaches the water.

The platform that the remainder of our heroes are on is sinking so they are forced to leap into the shallow ocean and swim for the boat that Barrick is driving. Although they are surrounded by killer sharks, they swim for the boat which has swung around and heading back to rescue them. By some miracle, the boat arrives backwards so they have the opportunity to just clamber up onto its back. Yes! they all manage to get on there unharmed. Phew! These sharks are a nuisance aren’t they, but that said not one shark has taken a nibble out of any of them and they all get onto the boat. Bonus they still have the box with the parts in that they went for.

Whilst all this is going on our Leader - Dr Shaw has a plan that could solve the shark problem before they clean up the CO2 issue with them grand scrubber rockets. She has a plan that is so simple that it just might work. Firstly, using her knowledge of what is under the vast ocean they are not far away from a volcano laying deep under the water they are floating on. They have been researching a Harp Drive which allows them to fire a pulse into the ionosphere of the planet which then releases an energy pulse into the volcano. This agitates the magma within the volcano meaning it will erupt and kill anything around it. It is almost too simple; all they must do is ensure the sharks are in the area at the time of the eruption. This will be easy as well as they can tap into the shark’s electro-wave tracking but putting a pulsing thing in a floating ball and drop it into the area. Once they are all there, they can release the ball to sink into the volcano and boom no more sharks. Dr Shaw then radio’s through to the South African doctors back on the ocean research base to get them to stop the urgent work saving the world to then work on the underdeveloped Harp drive.

Once all the sharks are gone, they can sail back to the Oceanic Research Base, finish the Scrubber Rocket (I have not made that up by the way they do call it the scrubber rocket) and save the world from the CO2 issue. Problem solved. On board the boat without tools or much else they construct the attraction ball. Hang on there is a floor in the plan how are they going to get it to the volcano and set it off without them getting blown out of the ocean themselves. Dr Shaw has an idea for this as well. They call up Nathan on the radio he can take his gyrocopter thing over the ocean and fly over to the volcano site activate the sensor to get the sharks to follow before dropping the sensor into the ocean where it’ll send the sharks into a frenzy of magma and volcano explosive deaths.

He turns up collects the sphere thing and flies off. The sharks follow – winner! Time to celebrate. Unfortunately, his flying machine is too high, and the sharks are not following so he drops a little closer to the ocean. Oops too low and a shark jumps from the ocean bites on his plane and the weight drags it to the ocean below. He escapes the plane only to get eaten by another shark. Well, that’s that plan screwed. Hang on a minute there is another way of doing this we can break out the surfboard and kite and skim over there in minutes and get out of dodge in no time. Barrick wants to go but Dr Nicholls knows that only he can drive the boat. So, she volunteers I told you she is an expert. So, they pull this surf kit out their buts and off she goes. We now see lots of close ups of Dr Nicholl’s toes as she surfs across the ocean collecting the loss ball and heading for the site of the volcano. Kite surfing across the sea she is keeping well clear of the sharks and yet still attracting them with the sensor. She reaches the site and releases it. It sinks into the depths of the ocean with the sharks in pursuit. Dr Vest now has three minutes to get clear. After three minutes Dr Blonde Boss Sir does a countdown on the radio to tell Dr Bow Tie to fire the Harp Drive. She goes three, two, one and then screams FIRE!!! As if he was not expecting this bit of Fire at the end… All overly dramatic for absolutely no reason, let the special effects do the dramatic thing! Dr Bow Tie must hold out until the drive is pointing in the right direction. This delay causes issues for them when it fires. Meanwhile the vest is hightailing out of the place with sharks in hot pursuit. Why aren’t they following the sensor then?

Meanwhile the explosion happens and a massive tsunami wave forms when the volcano erupts and kills most of the sharks. The weakly powered boat turns towards the massive wave which looks about 3 times the size of this boat. So, I am guessing approximately a 60ft wave increasing in size as it is circling away from the volcano’s epicentre. They head straight for the wave and Bea is tied to a pole to keep her safe again. She spends most of the movie in captivity one way or another without having very many lines to say. Moffatt ties himself to the other end whilst Kevin heads straight to the wave. He slowly pushes the leaver up and the vessel rides the wave in a matter of seconds phew!! They can now turn back on it and head back to the base and sort all this business out.

What about the rising tsunami wave and our Dr Vest on nothing more than a kite surfboard or even worst still, the sitting duck of the Oceanic Research Base that has just had its power wiped out when it fired the Harp Drive. Don’t worry the wave never reaches them, as the wave just went after the boat and when it didn’t succeed in destroying it the wave just gave up calmed down went to its bedroom to sulk and not have any pudding. The sea is now calm, and Dr Vest can head back towards the boat. Before they can meet up a shark has escaped the sensor and volcano explosion to give chase. Jumping from the ocean it doesn’t eat our expert on everything but instead eats her board leaving her in the ocean alone.

Don't worry the shark only wanted the board (it was hanging 10 later in the day)

Dragged along by the kite they spot her in the ocean a few moments later they are all back on the safe boat and heading back to the research centre. All their sensors are not working so luckily, they were not hit by the tsunami wave.

I will take a second here to point out how quickly they are making all these things without the technology or equipment needed to build it but still seconds later all done ready to go. MacGyver would be jealous these are just a bit of glue and double-sided tape away from saving the world.

They are back at the research base in no time at all, but I was a little confused that the South African Bow Tie wearing doctor that had clearly met the leader Doctor before has spent the entire radio conversation calling her ‘Sir’ which has just dawn on me as slightly confusing. No need to worry anymore everyone is back on the safety of the Research Base. Where they are informed as soon as they arrive that it is sinking because of the misfiring light wave thing that shot into the sky that then started the volcano.

Now they have 48 hours to save the world before it sinks. They bolt a couple of cable ties together and rig up this impressive looking rocket. Ready to scrub up the CO2 dirty business and restart the planet to have land again. Only the miracles worked by this team of scientists can save the world and more miracles continues as leader Dr (shouty) Shaw whilst on the boat without any equipment has come up with a plan to mimic the Alpha Sharks electro waves to allow them to believe they are the Alpha by sending a pulse out from the centre. What a great idea says Dr Nicholls (vest) she could take it a step further and make the sharks attack the Alpha instead. All this after they killed all the sharks in the volcano.

The saviour of the planet now depends on this small band of humans. Dr Check-shirt and Dr Bow Tie take this opportunity to snog.

Meanwhile all the dead sharks that aren’t actually dead are racing towards the research base. Fatman Moffatt takes Bea out onto the harbour area thing, they spot all the killer sharks heading towards them and decides to follow the theme of the movie and shoves Bea into an iron cage sat next to the ocean. He takes out a spear and faces it the wrong way before finally succumbing to the powers of the sharks by being knocked into the water. As he is climbing back out holding the cage as he is climbing you watch the Shark eating its way up his body. When Bea ignores his pleas for help and stays hidden in the cage, he smiles a bloody teethed smile and is eaten. Next out the door is Doctor Bow Tie who is something of a ninja warrior. Shaking the shortened samurai sword around like a pro. Slicing the shark’s belly from tail to head as it jumps over his head. He has back hand stabs and forward defensive blows going on. This chap should be out fighting not trying to fire up some ZX Spectrums from the 80’s to wire up a rocket to clean up the CO2 issues.

Meanwhile they have decided that the electronic power of the Alpha Shark will be strong enough to jump start the rocket so holding two massive electro needles in each hand Dr Shaw does the bang on the floor trick to attract the most intelligent shark of the group. It comes alone (as you do!) and leaps onto the decking just where Dr Shaw needed her. Stabbing her in the head with two giant needles they now connect (one with a red lead and one with blue) they form a circuit and feed this new power directly into the rocket. YEAH!! The shark has a tagging device attached to its glowing Lorenzinian Ampoules which means this thing looks like Rudolf the red nose Alpha Female Killer Shark of Christmas. The massive shark for the majority of the film seems to have shrunken as it lays on metal caged floor with two needles sticking out its head looking even more like a reindeer. The cage like decking system breaks in half under the weight of our slim Dr Shouty (oh and the massive shark that just got smaller). Sending both into the drink and Rudolf gets her last chance of her final kill as she eats Dr Shaw in an extremely poor CGI animated way. Luckily, this has given Dr Vest enough time to work out how to translate the shark’s entire communication system and then how she can redirect its conversation so now they can tell the sharks to kill the Alpha rather than them. Yeah! Everything is coming together nicely. Rudolf the Alpha Shark realises (somehow) that the Dr Vest and Kevin Costner are those behind the change in leadership so takes it upon herself to sort this mess out and leaps from the ocean on to the back of the Orca (wh-oops sorry wrong film). Laying on the back of the boat thrashing around the two heroes of Dr Vest and Kevin Costner crawl through the boat and clamber up onto the front. Knowing the other sharks won’t be interested in them they jump into the ocean leaving the massive shark (well it seems to be shrinking as it can fit on the back of the boat as well now - shark) alone on the back of the boat. Oh NO! the boat is heading straight for the research centre. Where the rocket is about to be launched.

The boat hits the base and explodes killing the Alpha and the heroes swim to the base where all the remaining survivors about 5 of them discuss their options. Dr Bow Tie points out a lifeboat that they can escape on, and they all walk off screen left to get in the boat. Just after they all leave the shot, a wave scoots across the back of the shot. I shout at the screen – why didn’t you cut it before the wave hits the backdrop!!??!! Why!! They pile into the rubber rescue vessel and head out into the ocean. The words ‘Six Months Later’ appear on screen and the boat is still sailing on. They have survived on a single boat with no food, fuel, or water (come to think of it) but they have somehow found their way to New York where they can see the top of the Statue of Liberty and some of the higher buildings are still standing in perfect condition despite being underwater for however long the near future is. They rejoice knowing they are now safe, and the water is lowering to allow them to walk on terra firma again soon. If it has taken just six month to reach the top of the statue then another six months will see them at the bottom where they can start growing no vegetables as they don’t have any to plant, and there is nothing else they can eat that I can think of but if they can survive on a small boat with absolutely nothing to keep them alive then these next 6 to 9 months will be a breeze. Just don’t ask to drink or eat anything. Which then makes me think how did Moffatt get this size without any food available on any of the islands?

I WAS GLAD TO SEE 'THE END'

OK I said there would be a lot more plot than usual, but this is because I think the plot is the worst thing about this movie. I could let bad CGI go if it’s used sparingly and doesn’t detract from the story. But when the story is detracting from everything else then that changes everything. A tsunami wave that hits just the boat and then stops. Let alone the logic of them killer sharks makes less and less sense the longer it went on. The acting was surprisingly good, and you could believe what they were saying you just couldn’t believe all the miracles that they could rack together. They think of something discuss the issues and ping “it is there – all done” and in full working order. The acting was ok. The story was awful the science for a Syfy movie was laughable and I hope I have saved you the effort of watching this pile of shark droppings. I would just give this one a swerve and go about your business safe in the knowledge that it won’t be shown that often on TV. Honestly, please don’t bother, I’ve been through it twice to save you doing it once. Simply don’t!!

THE VERDICT –

Planet of the Sharks = So Bad – It is Simply that - Bad!