BAD MOVIES REVIEW... (Part 4)

Feb 7, 202276 min read

I have started working on Part four before concluding part three. This will mean they will be published out of sync but this will realign once part three is released.

Part four is proving an exciting time as I have taken many more requests to review movies that other people (so called friends) have failed to get through them so have asked me to do the deed and review it so they can decide to go back and watch it or not. After the blood and gore of the last two parts this will hopefully a return to more classic type movie of just plan and simple mega budget flops of movies. Just a quick reminder that here is the scoring system:

· So Bad – Its Fantastic

· So Bad – Its Good

· So Bad – Its Funny

· So Bad – Its Not Worth Your Time

· So Bad – It is Simply that - Bad.

· So Bad – Its Awful

Halloween 3: Season of the Witch (#22)

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Silver Shamrock Novelties, Santa Mira, California, USA.

Now this is a movie I know very well, I have seen this many times and my friends hate it as well. It is hated as a horror movie by the masses. It was made on a budget of $2.5m and went on to return $14.4m from the box office, making this movie a huge success at the cinema. Having a '3' in the title suggests that this is the third movie of the Halloween franchise. Which it was. To explain the previous movies in Halloween a small child kills his sister with a big knife one Halloween dressed as a clown wearing a mask. He is sent to a mental asylum, where he has a doctor who tries to help him and then gives up realising that he is pure evil. Another Halloween many years later he (Michael Myers) escapes and travels back to his old home town of Haddonfield and starts killing again. He strangles and stabs his way through a group of friends before chasing the final girl into a house. The doctor arrives and shoots many times and Michael drops out the window. Halloween 2 followed many years later but continued straight off from that point. The girl Laurie is taken to hospital and Michael discovers where she is and goes to the hospital to finish what he started. Michael works his way through the hospital staff in various different ways of killing them before finding Laurie. The doctor, Laurie and Michael have an epic final battle in the operating theatre before the Doc blows himself and Michael to bits using an opened gas canister and a naked flame. KER-BOOM! That was the first two movies then the third movie came along a year after the conclusion of the second movie.

The movie poster (see The night no one comes home).

THE PLOT

SPOILER Warning if needed

The movie begins with a man running away from a group of mysterious men. He is nearly killed and flees to a shop where the owner calls for help. The runner is called Harry Grimbridge and he is taken to a hospital where he is looked after by Dr Daniel Challis. A doctor who is divorced and not in a great relationship with his ex. His two kids get all their needs met by their mother and he feels left out on the back of the strained relationship he has turned to alcohol. Later the following night another mystery man has got into Harry’s room and kills him. As he leaves Daniel gives chase and getting into a car the strange man pours petrol over himself and both he and the car go up like a firework.

The mystery men.

Ellie is Harry’s daughter and finds Daniel in a bar [there’s a shock]. She is suspicious of her father’s death and the two decide together to work backwords and trace his steps to find out who would want to kill him. He owned a shop and he planned to travel to Santa Mira to the Silver Shamrock Novelties company to pick up his latest order. More Halloween masks just like the one he has been carrying since last night.

You hear the one about Ellie & Dan meeting in a bar?

After asking a pathologist to come back to him with the details of the murder Daniel teams up with Ellie and they decide to go to Santa Mira and investigate. They check into the only motel in town, and they meet other customers of Silver Shamrock a lone woman and a family. The woman is Marge and is upset that the company had screwed up her last order.

E & D look confused.

The whole town has a curfew where everyone had to be in their homes, but Daniel sneaks off to buy alcohol and bumps into a town bum who tells him what a horrible company Silver Shamrock are after they got shot of him and got the corporate guys in.

In the motel Marge the badge/chip thing on the back of a mask falls off. Looking underneath it there appears to be some weird things in there. She starts tinkering with it and it fires a laser beam into her face. Leaving her face a mess. Ambulance and the owner of the company turn up for the woman and promising her the best of care. However, Daniel hears the motel owner tell the company owner Conal Cochran that it was a misfire.

Ker-pow Laser chip power!!

The family had won a tour of the factory and the investigating couple manage to get invited along. Spotting her father’s car, she is prevented from getting too close by the same mystery men in suits. Deciding they should flee and get help they cannot dial out of the town on any phone. Daniel goes back to the factory where he is assaulted by one of the mystery men who are revealed to be androids all created by the same company. The pathologist has just reached the same conclusion and will try and explain it to the police.

Captured by Cochran, Daniel is held by the mystery men again. This is a suitable time for Cochran the super villain to explain his whole diabolical scheme. [Typical Bond villain reveal all the details… Dumbass!!] They have practically been giving away these great Halloween masks ahead of the big giveaway on Halloween night. [There has been a countdown advert playing all the way through the movie and it’s the most annoying tune ever!] Inside the badge is a chip made from a small fragment of stone taken from one of the stones of Stone Henge [Yes, they stole it]. When triggered by a signal from the television the chip activates via a laser thing that transforms the head inside the mask to mush then insects and snakes and anything else that is nasty and kills anyone else close by, falls out. It could mean the end of the world as we know it. Cochran is going to take over. Knowing that Daniel knows his plan he locks him in a room with one of the masks on ahead of the big giveaway.

Stonehenge gets her revenge on the Irishman.

Before the show.

During the show.

Of course, James Bond escapes to foil the plan, oh I mean Daniel escapes and runs back to his ex-wife to convince her to keep the masks away from the kids. She refuses.

Are you sitting comfortably? Good, let me tell you all about my evil plans...

Daniel rescues Ellie and sneaks back into the control room activating the commercial and pours the badges into the room as the lasers go off killing everyone in there. Cochran is killed by the Stonehenge rock which leads to a massive fire. As they flee Ellie attacks Daniel and is shown to be another android, he crashes the car kills the android and gets to the same shop as Harry did. He calls the television stations to remove the commercial and is pleased to see it coming off of various channels except one. He pleads with the TV station to shut off the last channel screaming Stop it over and over before the end credits mute his screams.

The kids heads are going to melt!

PLOT ENDS - SAFE TO READ ON

My Summary

I will address the elephant in the room straight away. If you read the plot details above, you will count the words Michael Myers never. The reason for that is that the character doesn’t appear in this movie at all. Well to make him less formidable than he was they make him truly fictional by having a Halloween advert on the tv and not one of those annoying countdowns which feature heavily in this movie. That is why people do not like this movie. Rather than stating that this is a completely different movie they called it Halloween 3 with the hope that it would trick people into watching. This is click bait for the eighties. To have a movie about a killer then a sequel with the same killer chasing another group of victims before ignoring that the character even existed and move on without warning is something of a slap in the face to the fans. They did not approve, and it saw a complete reverse when Halloween 4 arrived, and Michael Myers was back slashing his way through the movie. I am sure those attending the cinema were not aware of the lack of a knife wielding psycho. Those following them in should have had some form of knowledge so you would expect a rapid drop off of the sales once word got around. On a small budget of $2.5m it went on to make $14.4m which should be seen as a success.

John Carpenter was a hero of mine and at one stage reached a level of legend that he could do no wrong. He was the director of the first movie and writer/producer of the second and producer of the third. This was written by Tommy Lee Wallace and currently has a score on Rotten Tomatoes of 42% and I think that is generous. The placement of this movie was wrong which is why it is seen as a failure. This wasn’t Halloween 3 this was Halloween: A new beginning. It could have worked as Halloween 2 which maybe the reason Carpenter didn’t want to do the sequel. His idea was to close off the story, he was contracted to do another movie and didn’t want to. So, he went down the let’s close this off as best we can and draw a line in the sand, route. This way it is all done and dusted, and everyone is happy. Then they came up with this crazy idea of why don’t we make a third movie. The Debra Hill and John Carpenter team produced it and Tommy Lee Wallace who wrote and produced this movie and John loved this movie. It’s a shame that the rest of the population didn’t then. But is it a shame? I am not so sure. There were a few glaring errors in the production of this movie. It could have stood alone or at least had a chance of setting up what the intention was but calling it three was a mistake. I get why it was, but it shouldn’t have happened. Advertise it as the movie it was rather than hiding in the shadows pretending to be something different. What they should have done was to promote it as it was aimed to be. It was going to be a Halloween movie every year featuring a different and new story each and every time. Halloween four was going to be another new story released in October the following year and then so on and so on and such. Call it All Hallows Eve and start a new franchise, stop cheating.

One of my biggest beefs with this film is that now that John Carpenter is not being given lots of money to make movies he returns to the well and creates a film which is his own version of the franchise sequel to the original movie. Yet it leans on the other movies to create the story its now selling and not only that John has made a sequel to the sequel which will be out next week here in the UK. It just goes to show when you need the cash you sell out. Back in the day when he was tanking the franchise with this movie, he said how he loved this movie and hated Halloween 2. It was a generic slasher movie and he wanted something more sinister and then makes a Halloween movie in 2018 which is just a generic slasher movie. This is what I have a beef about. Not only does he not like sequels to his movies he is Ok with another sequel to his original movie when the well is running dry or is it the bank balance. There is yet another movie in the pipeline to finish the splinter’s story off. I am not exactly sure what JC’s issue was with the other sequels but why bother with a do-over if you are not happy. This is something with which I am not impressed. I must finish this John Carpenter bashing paragraph by adding that I love the guy, I love his work and he has come up with some amazing idea’s which he has turned into cinematic dreams that terrify and conjure up emotions at his will. He was fantastic and I have paid hard earned money to watch and buy his movies as they have slid down the scale of quality to the point where he is happy to sacrifice new and inventive for the a-typical slasher movie just with a new backdrop because it sells. Well, it sold in the eighties and nineties mate, when your artistic pride prevented you from doing it. What has changed?

Sorry venting over with I will return to this movie and explain some flaws. They have stolen one of the stones from Stonehenge. How? You must guess this for yourself as they cannot be asked to come up with a theory to explain that. The stones have some laser power generating energy stored inside it which can be not just enhanced but contained and controlled. This laser power shoots a laser bolt into the head (I assume), and does it melt the head? Yes! Well, if that is not amazing enough all by itself, the laser turns your head into cockroaches, bugs and snakes. I have thought about this a lot and the answer has always been eh How? The diabolical scheme was dreamed up by someone looking to reclaim Samhain for himself. They are going to take over the world with clockwork robot people that have a Swiss watch internally yet perfect human skin style on the outside. Which leads into another issue as they can create almost perfect replica of a human but with Ellie they have shown that they can recreate a human perfectly within a day. So, you can replicate anyone so quickly, yet you only have five men’s figures that you use and reuse time and time again. Why limit the staff to five faces? I hope you can see where I am going with this movie there is just too much suspension of belief required to make this far-fetched story work and for so many people it didn’t. I remember the first time I watched this movie there was one thing I simply couldn’t get over and being a young male when I watched it, I could relate to the young Ellie whose father was killed early in the movie. Then for her to flirt with the doctor who is divorced and has two kids just threw me. This couple just looked a complete mismatch and unconvincing which led me to do some very shallow investigating followed by some extremely poor maths. The actor playing Ellie was 28 years old when this movie was made. Her lover in this movie was 51 years old. To me that makes a difference of 23 years which was older than I was when I first watched this movie. Even back then I could tell this relationship shouldn’t work on screen.

This is the outcast in the Halloween family and was made to upset people in the production offices. What it did was upset people wanting to watch the next adventures of the characters already established in the previous movies. Nope let’s chuck ‘em some new unrelatable characters and see how they ride. With an unbelievable and unrealistic threat to the world. Well, I say the world but the stock was only made in California which is not the greatest location to sell into Europe and the eastern block probably won’t be celebrating Halloween in the same way so the only people at risk from this diabolical plan is American’s. How insula is this movie. The world isn’t going to be killed off by this. Oh yeah and before I forget how the hell did, they find out that you turn Stonehenge stone into laser beams? How can you work that out by looking at them from a distance? To be able to study the power held there you must do scientific experiments on them. So, you just stole the stone in the chance that something may be contained there, or you thought it would be a laugh and then discovered the mystical powers? Why would you take it without the knowledge? How would you get the knowledge without first taking a stone. If you had a hunch, then you are taking a mighty risk to find out. It is like stealing the Lincoln statue or Trafalgar from his plinth just on the hunch that the stone used might have some mystical powers. You won’t be sure until you have done the deed and then what the hell do you do if you were wrong, and it doesn’t work. How do you put it back without anyone noticing? Nope sorry this movie has too many issues with the plot for me to give it a positive result.

I am the first to admit that when you go and see a movie there is artistic licence, there is stepping into a world created by someone else and you go with their flow. Sorry but this movie fails to take you on that journey as any scary movie that wants to scare you firstly must make you feel for the people in it and feel fear for them or fear for yourself. Wow this could happen to me! Or you put yourself in their place and are desperate for them. I love that feeling and greatness of a movie. This movie doesn’t cut it and I am sorry for feeling this way. As at best this is a run of the mill horror (or attempt at horror) movie. It’s got a 15 certificate over here and that is because it isn’t scary or horrific it is just a story building to having a man on the phone screaming for a tv channel to be shut down. What about the nonlocal channels? Didn’t worry about them. That is fine as I didn’t think much of this.

THE VERDICT – Halloween 3: The Season Of The Witch

So Bad – It’s not worth your time

Pumpkinhead (#21)

Way back in 1988 a film was made which was directed by Stan Winston who had climbed to fame being a pretty darn good special effects created. He was responsible for some of the most iconic creations to feature in movies around that time. I mean all the great ones, such as the T2000 robot’s that appeared in Terminator 2. The dinosaurs of Jurassic Park, the alien in Predator, and the Aliens in Aliens. There was a poem called ‘Pumpkinhead’ which was planned to go into production and Stan was asked to create the demon of the piece. He looked at the screenplay and said I want to direct it! The executives eventually said yes, and this movie was in production with Stan at the helm. Now, this review is going to be bias as I already know my opinion of it but for many years any friends of mine that like horror movies have singled this movie out for their hate of the film. Made on a budget of $3.5m on its release the marketing budget disappeared and was woefully undersold and eventually totalled a return of $4.4m. It wasn’t very well liked by the movie goers and it disappeared without much of an impact. It later found its customers in the video aisles of retail shops and gathered enough momentum to spawn not just one sequel but three. However, it is still loathed by the mainstream horror fans. Wherever I see this people don’t like it, so it holds a deserved slot on the Bad Movie agenda.

The Poster

You are not going to get the hugely detailed plot that you usually would from me in these movie reviews. Why well I don’t want to spoil it and I want to leave a little back, just for you.

THE PLOT

The film begins with a family in a ram shackled wooden home in the middle of the woods. The boy is Edward Harley and is already in his bed, whilst his parents sit in front of a roaring fire. Ed’s father clutching a double-barrelled shot gun and on a rocking chair. The adults know something is up. A man bangs on the door and begs for their help, as he is being chased by something in the woods. The wife comforts their child as the husband tells the man they cannot help him and if he continues to bang on the door, he will use his shotgun on him. All of ‘this business’ is none of his business. The man leaves knowing he is facing his doom.

Pumpkinhead in the gloom (get used to that!)

Many years later we re-join Ed Harley and his son as they drive to his equally wooden shack of a grocery store. Meanwhile three couples are heading to the same store. One of the vehicles is towing three scrambler bikes on a trailer. When the group arrive, Joel the bad penny of the group [he is wearing a leather jacket and drinking while driving, which is all the clues the audience needs] gets one of the bikes off the back and goes for a spin around the dunes and valleys surrounding the store. Steve a younger man with blonde hair humours Joel by being tempted to join him on the trails and donning a crash helmet fires up another scrambler bike and gives chase.

Joel showing off.

I call them scramblers.

Ed leaves his young son at the store along with his dog (Gypsy). Telling him to stay in the store and keep the dog out of the sun. However, the dog escapes the boy follows just as Steve’s bike flies over a ramp like hill and the boy has run right into the way. Steve narrowly misses the young boy and skids to a halt where Joel isn’t as lucky. Joel knocks the boy down but now the bad boy in him panics as he had an accident recently and has also been drinking. Rather than staying to help he heads off as fast as possible to the cabin they were heading for in the first place taking his girlfriend Kim with him. The remainder of the group try and keep the boy warm and carry him back towards the store as Ed arrives. Ed sees his son and takes him from Steve giving him a look of thunder. Meanwhile the others have headed back to their cabin to try and call paramedics but as they pick up the phone to dial Joel cuts the line to prevent them getting help to the situation as he is still worried about getting the cops involved. He then locks the couple (Chris and Tracy) in a cupboard to prevent them getting help for the boy.

Nasty Joel.

Ed heads home and later realises that it’s too late and his son has already passed so he takes his dead son to a family close by and asks about the old woman. The father refuses to give the information but the son stops Ed down the road and trades for the information and takes him most of the way. Ed meets the witch (old woman) and asks her for help for his son and she refuses saying she cannot help him, as she is unable to bring people back from the dead. Then he seeks vengeance for his son’s death, and the witch gives him the instructions that he desires.

Ed in the cemetery.

Ed goes to a cemetery and climbs a pumpkin patch in the centre of it and digs up what looks like a large, deformed, dead baby. Bringing it back to the witch she uses Ed’s blood and reanimates the corpse, and it grows massive and understands that it must now kill the six people responsible for the child’s death and leaves seeking the six.

Pumpkinhead is growing.

Pumpkinhead leaves and continues to grow as it seeks out the six youngsters guilty of the crime Ed blames them for. It follows them to the cabin and when the couple of Steve and Maggie leave the defensive cabin and go out into the exposed and unsecure openness of the surrounding woodlands. Is when Pumpkinhead strikes for the first time, the demon of vengeance has a habit of grabbing its victim by the head and carrying them around like dolls. Climbing trees and dropping them out of it. This thing is a demon and despite being shot and attacked by those trying to defend themselves this Demon will not stop. Crosses at the derelict church has no affect. This thing must finish what it started. Nothing can stop it.

It has arrived at the church.

Ed Harley realises his mistake and goes back to the witch to stop Pumpkinhead. The witch tells him there is nothing she can do. It must run its course and ‘it’ cannot be stopped. As the one that started this Ed says he will be the one to stop this and goes out to help the remaining youngsters.

That is the end of Kim.

This all sets up a finale battle at Ed’s farm where Ed and the handful of survivors do battle with the massive demon of Pumpkinhead.

Armed and dangerous.

End of the Plot

Summary

There is so many positives to this movie that seem to have been buried somewhere in there. There are so many of the actors or people linked to this movie that have been in other famous things or have gone on to become famous elsewhere. To give you the list (not complete):

Stan Winston who was instrumental in the success of Aliens, Predator, Terminator 2, or Jurassic Park. Lance Henrikson Close Encounters of the Third Kind, Damien: Omen II, The Terminator, Aliens, Near Dark, Alien 3, OK I will stop now as he is still acting to this date.

John D’Aquino who was famous on TV as well with Shades of LA, The Dirty Dozen, Matlock, Seaquest DSV, JAG, and was a regular on Quantum Leap and 3rd Rock From The Sun.

Joel Hoffman for Slumber Party Massacre II, and Not of this Earth.

Kerry Remsen was in Nightmare on Elm Street 2, Ghoulies 2, and was Pamela in Tribes.

Buck Flower (George Flower) who was in every movie in the eighty’s The Fog, Escape From NY, Back to the Future, Maniac Cop, They Live, Warlock: Armageddon, Wishmaster, and Mountain Family Robinson – just to name the ones that I know.

Lee de Broux from Above the Law, Chinatown, and RoboCop.

Peggy Walton-Walker who was in Hateship Loveship and Factory Girl but also appeared in the TV shows Dynasty, A-Team, Quincey M.E., Days of our Lives, and General Hospital.

Chance Michael Corbitt who was in Marilyn Hotchkiss’ Ballroom Dancing & Charm School, The Rocketeer, and The Lost Boys.

Dick Warlock who worked on Firestarter, Innerspace, Dead Zone, Spider-Man, Childs Play 2, Big Trouble in Little China, and Fletch (I’ve stopped but I could go on...).

Devon Odessa from Sleepwalkers, My So-Called Life, and Uncle Buck.

Mayim Bialik from The Big Bang Theory.

Not forgetting Mushroom (the dog) who also was famous for being ‘Barney’ Billy’s dog in Gremlins

Myers why are you telling us this? Just because people are famous elsewhere does not make this any good. OK I see your argument, but all these fine actors and performers must have brought something great together for the screen. Even if just for a passing moment on the screen they had to be something great for them to go onto other things.

On the subject of moments there are some iconic scenes and the look, and the feel of this movie is great. The darkness of the woods and lighting of the demon is fantastic. After typing this I will add pictures and I aim to bring in some of the imagery that I found wonderful and highlight them here. Lance on top of the pumpkin patch mound in the middle of the cemetery. Pumpkinhead coming through the doorway of the derelict church was another with the light behind it is terrifying. From the characters point of view its time to move on but from the audience point of view they know this thing cannot be stopped and you see it in all its glory ready to complete its mission. Pumpkinhead sitting in the tree top lit by the moonlight then drops the victim through the darkness to the unnatural light of the ground. I think the point I am making is the lighting and filming of this movie is great.

Why do people not like this? From what I have heard they think that Pumpkinhead looks silly. Those saying that to me are also big fans of Aliens which if you look carefully, it’s the same thing. Guess who created the Alien for the movie. You guessed it, it was exactly the same man who created the Pumpkinhead, and it was also the director for this movie. Look at the two creatures’ side by side and there is not too much difference between the two. You can love one but hate the other, right? I for one am not that convinced.

Following on from that I wanted to see what else was said so searching the inter-web of the world to see why it is hated so. Hollow and patchy, script is low par for the course, the acting close behind. It has an audience score on Rotten Tomatoes of 48%. There are not many bad reviews out there, if I am honest, it was quite hard to find the one that I did. They say to firstly take off the nostalgia glasses and looked at this movie as it is. A weak slasher movie, low on lighting to hide the monster’s flaws, with the only reason to watch it is to give you bragging rights of been there, seen it. I would happily put this movie up against any modern CGI ladened blood fest. There are no real jump scares in this as it is spooky and atmospheric it doesn’t need them to put the viewer on edge. There is gore in this but compared to the blood-filled flicks that followed not much. There is a reason this has a cult following and that’s because it is good. If you claim to be a horror fan but then refuse to like this because it’s not mainstream enough then you are a fan of the wrong genre. Every directors first movie is horror because they are normally low budget without the requirement of such things as lights. You can trick an audience into hearing what they see rather than actually showing them what they see. To become a famous director, you need to have had one scary movie on your CV. It cost nearly half of its competition in Hellraiser 2 where that was a success making $12m at the box-office this was a flop at $3.3m. If you look at the theatres in the states that took this movie on 1187 took Hellraiser 2 while this movie had 353. If a movie is good people will find it eventually, word of mouth can be slow but if it is good, it will be found. The initial launch of the Arnie Blockbuster ‘The Running Man’ made less than this. Although Arnie’s movie did explode when it went international.

My arguments ultimately mean I love this movie and would recommend it to anyone. The plot maybe a simple one but does complex mean good? Equally then simple plot means bad, did Jaws have a complicated plot? I am not sure it did, but it had so many different layers to the characters and their interactions that it worked. The depth in characters in Pumpkinhead are shallow there is not much too them there are three couples that make up the victims of the demon. There is the good and kind couple the run of the mill couple and the bad ones. The point of this is that Pumpkinhead doesn’t care it is there to do a job and the nice ones go first and in a worse way than the others. I can see the shallow argument but counter it with do we need to know the backstory of all of them when they are running through the woods chased by a demon?

Enough already here is the verdict.

THE VERDICT – Pumpkinhead

So Bad – It’s Pretty Darn Good.

The VelociPastor (#20)

This is a movie I’d heard bits about and then to discover it’s just over an hour long and available free to me had to be watched and reviewed. If you can get through this without laughing, you have a heart of stone and need to take a long hard look at yourself in a mirror. This has a story and I honestly think that the makers knew they didn’t have the funds to make a good movie so they went with we can laugh at ourselves so why not join in as we put as much random elements into one movie as you possibly can. The result is this gem or is it a piece of coal. You will have to wait and see in my final summary. We shall begin with the poster/DVD cover.

Just like Joker Clown the raptor in the film doesn’t really look like the cover art.

THE PLOT

SPOILER ALERT AS I AM GOING TO THE FINISH NOW.

OK we are off, and a Pastor is giving a sermon about the book of Jobe. The gift of loving god and forgiving the wicked etc... It was a sermon, so I was already switching off a bit. He finishes the sermon steps out the front of the church and spots his parents across the street. He shouts

“Mum and Dad!” Smiling and happy he waves frantically at them. Spotting their child leaving his place of work appears to be surprising to them and wave back frantically as well. Standing next to their car. He runs down the steps when there is a large sound of an explosion, and he falls back onto the steps. We cut back to the street where his parents were just a second before their car exploded OH NO, I wonder what mess they are in!!!

The flaming car is all thats left of Doug's parents.

Apparently, we need to use our imagination on this one. As the car is gone but apparently it blew up killing his parents. We can hear burning as he screams Nooooooo

Being consoled by the chief priest he explains that “So, your parents died Doug, That what parents do, they die on you! There in a better place.”

“Why would god do this,”

“God does this, God has a reason here drink more wine.”

Doubting his face, the chief suggests that he travels far away from here. Somewhere that God would not follow and if he finds God there then he has found his faith. Guitar riffs plays as we get our opening credits while our hero is driving his car but where has he driven to?

Some woods in the middle of nowhere, oh its actually China. How do we know these woods are in China? Well, the movie tells us. See –

China

If we need reinforcement of this Doug tells us by saying “China.” Followed by “See China is East!”

A Chinese woman is shot by an arrow and falls at his feet warning him in Chinese that he must destroy the giant tooth she just handed him. Otherwise, they will keep following and try to kill him. Then in English with her last breath she says Dragon Warrior then dies. The archer aims at Doug, and he falls back cutting his hand on the tooth. He wakes from this nightmare still holding his hand and the Chief Priest is there to discuss the dreams again and speak about the Chinese saying Dragon Warrior. Doug is hungry which pleases the priest.

Doug leaves and staggers down a street where he bumps into Carol a hooker. She moves down the road to meet her pimp. Frankie Mermaid. He slaps her and laughs at his own jokes. Proving that he is nasty. Carol the hooker is working the park tonight. Where our hero has staggered to. He is now roaring, and his eyes have turned green and slit like – just like an animal. Meanwhile Carol is being mugged before a dinosaur arrives and bites the heck out of the mugger. Carol watches as its lips drip with blood. Doug wakes with a start again but in a yellow room that he doesn’t recognise. Carol walks in with a mug. She points out that “Last night was amazing,” Realising he is naked he puts 2 and 2 together and it equals sex. This can never happen again. This is one time thing? Yes, it has to be. Was it your first time too? I am priest so we can never say. Carol stops him and says what are you talking about. As she is talking about “the time you turned into a dinosaur and ate someone!” He says what twice, so he is confused. He doesn’t remember anything and doesn’t believe dinosaurs existed. She points out that she knows where the body is. He asks if she has anything he could wear?

Doug in a dress.

They find the body and she point out she’s a hooker and studying law but no one cares. She points out that you saved me. You can help people now, by killing evil people. The drug dealers and evil people out there you can kill them. She sees him as being able to do good things so much more than being a Hooker Doctor Lawyer. He runs off to do confessions. He arrives as a dope smoking bald but long hair. Who hasn’t been to confessional, he stole candy from a baby and threw it in the river, then he confesses that he – Frankie Mermaid killed Doug’s parents? Doug loses it and screams and punches through the booth and now his has dinosaur claws instead of hands and rips his throat. They clearly spent some money on this effect as its on screen for a while in close-up. Doug runs back to Carol and tells her that he killed Frankie and she is very please. They decide to team up and give themselves rules to be able to fight crime.

She says, “I don’t know much about God!”

Doug says, “I don’t know much about dinosaurs!”

They high five and then cut to a montage of them going out and being together. Whilst Doug trains she helps him recover after eating bad guys and she goes to communion. Eating the bread of Christ and that business.

The Evil Men are scheming.

Meanwhile in a random field there is band of Ninja training and hiding out in tents. This chap seems innocent enough is speaking to the leader bald Chinese speaking man. Bald guy asks why the money has stopped flowing.

Now unmasked man “its hard to say, sir, we have had rumours from the underground of a fearsome dragon warrior. They say he can take on 10 men at a time!”

“Impossible!”

“that is the word of the people master Wey-Chey!” and then gets told off for using his Christian name.

What about the drugs, as they expecting another shipment of cocaine tomorrow?

They both laugh randomly this is possible my favourite part of the movie so far. Brilliant.

There is a gong and we cut back to the head priest walking and spotting Doug hanging out with a hooker.

He comes and confronts Doug about his absence from church and asks him what is going on? He says that he is different. The priest isn’t interested. They exchange a long glance with musical overture that goes on just too long (yes, its perfect). Its now dark and the head priest and mentor suggest organising an exorcist. He will speak to the bosses about getting rid of Carol and this disillusion. He locks Doug in his room and leaves. Doug removes his cross looking at it, he says to himself. I had parents once what would they say. Doug you are our only son so becoming a priest is a big thing, just remember when you get lost in the woods follow your heart and it will always show you the way. In this memory sequence we see the three of them at home at the kitchen table and then in a car sharing a group hug. Back in his room he removes his collar whilst Carol waits outside. She gives up and goes home. The diocese will take too long, so they call in Father Jones who is a practicing exorcist.

Exorcist Priest.

The head priest thinks that he hasn’t had to call on him since the war. Cue my favourite scene.

We are in the woods again and this time they are in Vietnam. The priest looks like a real soldier and the whole lay out looks so realistic.

The preamble to everyone dying. Please note hat-man in the background.

They talk about the soldiers (friends) that they have lost. Priest pulls out a picture of his love Adeline “she’s a babe!”

“When we are finished with this war, I think I’ll settle down and start that family!” I will save you from the rest of this great conversation before he is shot after saying how he’ll be home with him. As the priest is writing home about his shot friend Adeline suddenly appears in the middle of Vietnam. (As you do) She runs to him and steps on a VC trip mine. And is basically vaporised.

The death of Adeline.

Father Stewart is stunned when a fellow soldier looks down and says a god damn VC trip mine. The other chap in the hat says the greatest line ever “I don’t think there is anything we can do for her; she is too far gone!” (She is a puddle on the floor! It’s fantastic!)

Other chap asks, “What do you think she was doing in the forest?”

“I don’t know maybe she was trying to start a family!”

Best line of the movie from the hat wearer.

No one really comes home from the war. When I came back to the states, I tried my hand at the clergy again. We go back to the ceremony at the beginning of the exorcism. Doug starts to get hot, and the ceremony continues. He starts to flash and shouts that he is hungry. They stop the ceremony and Doug has the scary eyes and the dinosaur rubber gloves. They didn’t bother making them tight you can see them hanging low on his wrists. Doug kills Father Stewart and runs out with ceremony guy saying that now the hounds of hell are truly released. He laughs at his results.

Doug is now running back through the same forest where he runs into three of the ninja’s from earlier on.

The Ninja's have found their foe!

He has a strong Australian accent as they plan their attack on the ‘Dragon Warrior’. As he is planning the Chinese guy on his left looks to camera and starts telling us in Chinese that this “Eo-Jun always told me that this was how I was would die. Back in Gwangju when I was a student. Back then I thought I would marry her. Back then...”

“You got the plan?”

Silence

“Good!”

They charge and all the faces turn red, and we assume they lost.

Carol comes home and finds Doug badly hidden under a pile of newspapers. I was attacked on the way here. I think I killed Father Stewart when he tried to exercise me. They embrace and the guitar starts to play. She pulls the scrunchy out of her hair and they get Jiggy with it in a split screen montage. This goes on for a few minutes with some dreamy sequencies of the ninjas on a field.

The Rubik's cuddling.

They wake up next morning, in their underpants when a Ninja’s come running in and they fight them off and embrace and snog again.

Where did those ninja’s come from?

When questioning one of the ninja’s all he says is remember your face father jones.

Meanwhile Father Stewart wakes in a tent with the bald Ninja leader. Who offers him a tea?

Father Stewart asks where Doug is?

“Doug isn’t here but may be here soon.” Baldy explains as they walk from the tent where Stewart has put his boots on in less than 5 seconds. They walk in the field and Baldy says that he is “Father Wei Chang, Headmaster of St Artemimus. All our Templar Ninja are Holy Warriors, fighting for one purpose: Our betterment.

Stewart “I don’t understand what do you do?” “Destroy Infidels, And those who get in the way of our loftier goals” he continues “These are evils we would give our lives to defeat!”

They go into a tent where Father Stewart is shown cocaine. More addictive than any others out there. The grand plan is to give everyone this cocaine, so they get hooked on it, then stop giving it to them. In their desperation they will have to join our support group. The group is run by those of face, and they will have an unstoppable army of faith and then we can again achieve global dominance.

Its important to tell your plans to a priest apparently.

Father Stewart “that is unchristian I cannot let this happen!”

Baldy “No faith!” and stabs him with a pencil.

As he dies Father Stewart says, “Doug will stop you!”

They do that made laugh thing again.

Cut to Doug, he tells us with his thoughts that ‘Thank god that one Ninja told them where their secret hideout was before he died,’ (Well that was lucky wasn’t it – shame it happened off screen after we saw that other one die on screen!) Doug pulls on a leather jacket, and they prepare to go out and fight. Carol gives him a hug and a look and leaving the cross on the bed they head out to the woods for the great Ninja fight.

That ninja who we have seen in the background whips off his mask and says you still don’t recognise me do you Doug?

In the credits he was called the white ninja.

Ninja “Brother!”

Doug “Sam!”

Doug now remembers that he has a brother called Sam and we get to watch the same memory sequence as before, but this time Sam is in the background being ignored. Stood in the kitchen. 'You’re my only son' whilst Sam is in the boot of the car.”

“You were not the only son to find faith!” he ninjas its up. Finishing with a wooooahhhh.

Doug says, “its not too late!”

Sam laughs madly again “You’re blind Doug, you’ve always been blind!” he then pulls out a sword from his back and throws it on the floor. “You cannot stain the holy sword with your blood!” Shouts “For God!” and charges at Doug. They fight. So do the Ninja’s and Carol. The sword flies into Doug’s hand. “Your ancestors where my ancestor!” they fight some more. Doug killing Sam with lots of blood sprayed out.

Carol’s fight continues until they summon super ninja from a tent. He slashes Carol’s chest and Doug runs over to cuddle her. He loves her and she is dribbles blood. You are a good man with a loving heart, I believe in you. She tells him he can win, just have a little faith. She dies. (Well, we think so) even the ninja’s are crying bless them.

Doug fully dinosaurs up in daylight and takes the fight to the ninja. Are you ready for this killer dinosaur?

Here

…

Dino Punch!

Dino Tail Swipe.

Dino Bite.

The main dinosaur attack is the headbutt. Until Baldy leader shoots him with an arrow which seems to stop his superpower and turns him back in to Doug. They had found the antibodies to combat the dragon warrior. Doug is the last one. Do you have any last words?

“only Six!” He turns to Baldy “I think my hands are immune!”

He turns with his raptor gloves on and rips off the shop window dummy head from the plastic shoulders and held it above his head screaming in victory.

Doug is holding the head of the slain Ninja Gang leader here.

Then he suddenly remembers Carol.

In the hospital a doctor (looking more realistic than ever!) arrives triumphally and lights a cigarette we did it. Carols wounds are healing faster than we thought.

The Doc is lighting a fag here.

“She is ready right now want to see her?”

“Would I!?!” off he runs to the ward and finds Carol sat on the end of the bed. As soon as he sees her, he runs to her hugs and asks “Are you OK?”. She says she is fine, but he feels the need to ask again. She says she is fine for a second time, but not only he wants to ensure that she is fine that he wants the audience to be assured that she is fine so they do this in the only way to put those folks at home will be sure. They put it on the screen.

OK we know she is fine!!

Now there is a Billion Dollar bounty on his head, but they are already planning a trip to China to fight any more remnants of this holy order that tracked him down. Is there going to be a number two I desperately hope not.

PLOT DONE

SUMMARY

I described this movie to a friend who pointed out that maybe I had hit the bottom of the barrel and maybe I should stop scrapping at it. What can I say about this movie? The acting is shockingly bad. The plot is scary how bad it is. The special effects are awful or not even there at all, The main beast is rubber and main attack would be the headbutt. The Ninja’s are inconsistent and the main actors’ stories are inconsistent, random women turns up in the middle of a war zone in Vietnam just walking through the wood. This movie is just stupid. Not only is stupid it is simply bad in all regards throughout. Which is why I loved it. The people putting this together knew they didn’t have a big budget sorry correction – those making this knew they didn’t even have budget, but they went ahead and made a movie anyway. Knowing that they didn’t have the backing of special effects they just went for it anyway. With their plastic guns and rubber gloves for claws. This is what it is, no we are not taking this seriously as we know how bad this is, but we are going to place this for laughs we are laughing at ourselves and invite you do so as well. Therefore I have slowly fallen in love with this steaming pile of poop. This is what this blog page was made for, simple awful and badly build but carved into an epic of everything wrong making it addictive. The Vietnam woman that ends as a puddle of blood on the floor and the chap says, she’s too far gone there is nothing we can do to bring her back now. That is just so good its unreal. The dinosaur is worse than what you’d get at a second-rate shopping centre (Mall) for a dinosaur appreciation exhibit. They don’t care its what we got so we are going to have a daylight fight with Ninja’s flailing arms and legs at the thing as it cannot see to move out the way, so they have to wave at the air and stamp on the ground as the dinosaur spins and slaps them with its tail and headbutt technique. I think you can tell where this verdict is going…

THE VERDICT –

The VelociPastor = So Bad – It’s Funny and worth an

hour and 10 minutes of your time.

Ouija Shark (#19)

Here I am again reviewing what could well be the lowest budget movie on this list. It has the feel of some friends getting together saying why don’t we just make a movie. Steve’s got a camera lets go for it. OK come up with a story that hasn’t been done before, work out a way of getting these ideas and effects on camera and we are going to make millions with this. Well, maybe not millions but we could show grandma and she’ll be really impressed we came up with this at Thanksgiving when she comes to visit. Will she be proud? That is the question that I aim to answer for you!!

Something of a theme recurring in these movies is that the film’s poster is so much better than the movie itself. For me its false advertising but I will let you decide between the poster below and the shots of the shark later in this review.

Firstly, here’s the cover poster –

That realistic poster of the movie.

For me I couldn’t personally tell the difference between the picture above and the shark in the movie. It is truly terrifying. You can decide when you see the pictures. If you are detecting the sarcasm here, I will stop writing on this section now and let you read the plot. Remember to buckle up and do not put your hands or arms outside the car whilst it is in motion.

READY?

LET’S GO!!

THE PLOT

WARNING OF SPOILERS AS THIS WILL BE THE FULL PLOT TO THE END!

The film starts with lots of old and ancient pictures like this one with the titles on it.

The Ouija Shark opening titles.

Personally, these are the best graphics for this movie. I do get the feeling that this movie is trying to stretch a thin story across a longer timeframe already. As the pictures and the opening credits takes up 2 minutes 50 seconds of a 1 hour 10 minutes film (not forgetting the extra 2 seconds!). The action begins (2min 52) as we join a woman parking up and looking around for her friends who have clearly not turned up for a pre-planned meeting. Her phone has no reception, and she says screw it and grabs her bag and walks out of the car park into the woods. Sinister piano plinking music follows her as she walks through the woods to reach some stairs, then she texts and puts her phone in her bag and gets out a towel laying on a stony beach. She strips down to a bikini and lays to soak up some rays.

Sunbathing for approximately 30 seconds she now heads down to what looks like a lake to go swimming. In the mirky water we see some extremely blurry underwater filming. (If you are interested the answer is No, I have no idea what we are looking at here. There is absolutely no reason for including these shots). She then shouts hello as if hearing something, suddenly she feels something touch her leg she screams and panics. Standing up we notice that she is about thigh deep in the water and more worried about keeping her top on than standing up properly. She says screw this and heads back to the shore (she walks back as swimming isn’t needed) until when she is ankle deep something hits her feet again and she screams! What is it?

A Ouija Board of course!

She collects it and not drying herself she gets dressed and is jump scared by her phone ringing. Her friends have left and are now heading to the house where the rest of the gang are going to be. She looks around before deciding to take the Ouija Board with her.

The four girls arrive at the house that they are looking after whilst the owners are away. The girls are house sitting for friends of one of the girl’s parents as they have been stuck abroad or something. She was allowed to bring her friends to enjoy the pool and BBQ, but the rule was no boys. (Bit sexist but I assume all the boys from this collection of friends are behind the camera).

The Girls - from left to right Donna, Jen, Kim, and Tiffany.

Jill the girl from the early swim arrives and she is briefly introduced to the others. One girl Tiffany is drawn straight to the pool but whilst on route to the poll she is distracted on route see…

This girl does appear too young to be in this movie.

What has stopped this girl from getting to the pool that was the sole being for coming here. Well, the (Male) next door neighbour washing his Honda.

Here's something for the ladies.

She asks him if he needs any help, he says OK and smiles. The girls play in the pool to rock music. One gets out and sunbathes, but they can’t convince Jill to get in the pool. They decide to light the BBQ whilst Jill goes to lay down. We cut back to Tiff as she washes the Honda with the neighbour she is now in a bikini, and this feels like it should be a sexy scene. She is flicking her hair and spraying water whilst the bearded man nods a lot. (Honestly, I just felt uncomfortable watching this scene).

Meanwhile Jill is dreaming about everything she did at the beach. You get to watch most of that scene all over again (eating up more time) until a shark eats the camera, and she wakes up to Donna calling everyone back for burgers. Cut to the end of the meal where every single plate is spotless. I mean sparkling clean it’s almost as if there were never any burgers or hot dogs at all and they are just filming this part (this way the film makers don’t need to feed the actresses). See the two pics below, see what I mean?

Thats a very clean post meal table and plates.

They complement the chef and raise a toast, but it also looks like there’s no liquid in the drinks either. They check Jill is feeling better and she says she is. Donna asks what is there for fun around here. A pack of cards or a board game or something. Oh! Jill has a genius idea wait here I will be back. She returns with the Ouija board that she had mysteriously found earlier in the day. Donna says is that a Hoo How board, which makes them all fake laugh. It is not explained where the planchette has come from (but you are not allowed to ask questions). Famous last words of its just a game lets go. Donna is scared but they get going and all place their fingers on the board and it starts to work instantly. Ignoring the joke question they ask if it’s a good spirit. It says NO. They ask how it died. It spells out Hungry. Where are you from? H – U – N – G – R – Y. This board has a one track mind. It spells out hungry again. The planchette spins around when Jill says to keep your fingers on and close your eyes. As they do so it spins faster and then there is a small explosion as a ghost pops out of the board.

It’s a shark! A Ouija Shark, none the less.

They get spooked and bored instantly so stop playing. That night Jill can’t sleep so calls her dad (not an actor but gives 100% effort) (They haven’t mentioned if Tiff had returned by now, she could still be washing the neighbour’s car in a bikini!). Anyway, she phones her dad who was still up working late. She had a bad dream; dad then goes all spiritual. “Dreams can be a doorway to the unconscious mind, I’ve told you that before, Tell me about it”

“I was at the beach and found a Ouija board in the water,”

Same tone “Haven’t I told you not to fool around with those things!”

She explains that they were playing for a while then the board started shaking, but he had never heard of that before. Just as the spooky music runs out and they have a second of silence before someone reloads the cd and it starts again. He believes her but isn’t familiar with that type of manifestation. He will need to do some research. Jill explains that her dream had a shark in it! He will research it, but she has to stop messing around with the occult.

“Yes, Dad!” rolling her eyes.

Filler shots of the sun rising, followed by a couple walking in the woods. After a brief walk, they sit at a picnic table and chat. If this is a first date this guy is more awkward than me. He asks if she would like to eat now before they swim? She skipped breakfast but she is here to catch some rays. She takes off her top, this is still not enough of a hint to this guy. As she smiles, he asks about why you shouldn’t swim after eating. He pulls out crackers and continues to be awkward. He wants to ask her something but just cannot get the words out. He finally says

“What the hell is that?”

Ghost Ouija Shark is loose!!!

“Is that a shark? They both look terrified. See -

Told you scared

He says it’s a ghost and scooby doo style they both run in opposite directions. The shark gives chase and has somehow developed a bear like growl. The ghost shark chases the boy which pleases the girl as it gives her the opportunity to escape. This doesn’t help as he gets eaten leaning up against a tree. As the shark bites both he and shark disappear. Before the shark turns back and chases the girl who now has a stick and points out that he already ate so should not need her anymore. She runs and again backs up against a tree. Holding a stick up to the shark that flies in, and she screams. Rather than disappear completely like the boy did. Her hand (well a rubber one) with a stick hits a nearby tree, followed 2 seconds later by a cup full of blood. We assume the rest of her vanished like every other victim.

Back at the house Donna is up and walking out into the garden to the pool. It’s already been hinted at that she likes the weed. So, walking around the pool she is lighting up. Where she says the ultimate lines as she sits on the edge of the pool with her feet in the water. Firstly, there is screams as the water is clearly cold. Then she drags on the non-smoking roll up she has. She is also dancing whilst sat on the edge of the pool. She raises her hands as she dances then looks next to her and says “Hey!” and starts laughing to herself. “Oh yeah, that’s right I’m alone!” she laughs some more. “well, that is something you don’t see every day!”

Now scroll back to the poster, told you you couldn't tell them apart.

“Maybe he wants a hit? Here Sharky, sharky, sharky, this is some good shit!”

The shark roars again and leaps at her.

She is offering a bunt man come on shark!

She stops the sharks attack by telling it off. “Come on man, there is a thing called personal space!” she smiles and offers the non-smoking white stick in her hand “Want a hit?” She is laughing. “That” “is” “so” “cool!”

“Are you some sort of air balloon or something?” again the shark growls a response.

“I suspect you are a figment!” then she puts on a French maybe German accent “Do you think you are a figment?”

It bites her and both instantly vanish as you hear a thunderclap.

More delaying shots of the clouds. Jen has woken with a headache and is sat outside. Kim wanders out from the back door. Asking where Donna is. Jen says she’s gone for a run. Oh, really so Jen says the line again but mines having a cigarette in her mouth. Oh, that type of run. Jill arrives asking for coffee. (Not one of them are concerned that Tiffany the first one there has vanished, but Donna the junky has gone for a run and they all want to know!)

Jill asks, “If anyone has seen her Ouija board.”

“It’s over there.”

“No, it isn’t” she is confused and getting angry “You know I want it back,”

“Maybe Donna moved it before her run!”

Jill then accuses them of theft, they say it’s stupid and they don’t want it anyway and then she gets defensive about it saying it’s not stupid. They calm the situation by saying it must be around here somewhere. Ask Donna when she gets back. There is no brekkie, so Jen says she’ll go to the grocery store to get some food and breakfast and then come back. Eerie music plays as she walks away (they have enough tape for this entire shot!)

Meanwhile dad is digging up some crap on sharks on the internet. “Here’s something, As a spirit animal a shark may take on many meanings. Representing the most primal and ancient instincts” That’s important so he writes it down. When choosing a shark as your totem you need to be aware of its unpredictability and its desire to hunt! Sharks are masters of survival, and its powers are unmatched, manifesting such animals are ill advised. He decides that this is a good time to try a tarot reading with his printed from the internet cards. (See no backing)

Three card spread seems like he's starting a poker game.

He pulls three cards – the past, the present and the future.

The past is La Mon “The world! Well for me that’s Jill” (True as there is no wife mentioned ever in this movie for him. Jill never phones mum)

The present is Le Diable “The Diable, the Devil… That must be the shark!”

The future is La Mort “La Mort, Death.” He looks at every possible angle of the room and then says, “oh no!” and gets up.

Meanwhile Jen is walking in the woods to collect her supplies. Whilst sinister music plays.

Jen's out walking.

As she walks, she finds the Ouija board on the floor asking aloud “What is that doing here?” she picks up an edge then says, “Hell No!” and leaves it exactly where it is and walks on.

Cut to a police officer (apparently) who has a clip board in front of a car when he is confronted by a woman who says “Officer!?”

“Yes ma’am, how may I be of service.” (I always thought they drew their guns first and ask questions later)

“It’s my daughter Kassie, She went out with a friend, and we haven’t heard from her all day!”

“That’s terrible I’ll make some notes”

How old? She’s 18 and went out with a boy. Well knowing how kids are, they may have had too much fun and lost track of time. She’s been missing a few hours (so knowing what all the other movies have wrong this one follows suit) as the copper says, “Technically we cannot list them missing until it’s been 24 hours,” (The old, we can’t be asked to do anything line! – Complete BS by the way in the real world anyway this isn’t the real world)

“So, you can’t do anything?” she asks in a calm manner.

“I’ll tell you what I will do, I will get you to do that paperwork and I’ll give you, my card. If you hear anything you keep me informed and we will do the same,” (by not taking your number so we can’t call you!)

She thanks the officer and walks off NOT giving him her contact details. This is going to be a short case. Meanwhile none of the main four characters care that Tiff has been missing for 24 hours and still no sign of her or the mystery neighbour. The cop picks up his mobile and calls a deputy (I mean who needs radios anymore!).

Jed (the deputy) is sat in a bar when he answers the phone. (I thought this was mid-morning)

First cop “Hey Jed where are you?”

Jed “I’m on a case!”

“It better be a Police case and not a case of beer!” he continues “I need you to get down to Sarsaparilla Trail,”

“Oh, come on, I’m doing something,” Says Jed he is a bad actor to his boss let alone the audience “What’s so important?”

“Missing Teens, you get your butt down there or I will forget that my wife is your sister, and I will fire your sorry ass!”

“Fine!” and he slams the smart phone down on the bar. (It is not an old school phone mate, you are still connected, and you may have smashed your screen! Doofus! What is more worrying is that he is in a bar whilst Jen is out shopping for breakfast. What time do bar’s open in the states 9am or 10am maybe 11am? The woman’s daughter has been missing all day. Jen is getting breakfast. WHAT THE HELL IS THE TIME!! Is it morning afternoon or frigging evening?” This movie doesn’t know!!)

Leaving the phone on the bar he raises the less than half a pint in his glass. Whilst the other officer hangs up annoyed. Jed is annoyed that his dumb brother-in-law wants him to go to Sarsaparilla trail for his job. The barmaid who is one of the worst actors ever. Points out that’s his job and what’s the problem? The problem is that he is on his lunch hour, barmaid points out that he has already been there for an hour and a half already. (my brain goes instantly he has been there for an hour and a half and it’s still morning apparently. When did he start drinking? 8am? 9am? Whichever it is. It adds up for him being an alcoholic – which I guess is the point!).

Jed says, “That’s not the point!” turning his sleeve around to show the badge “I’m a law man and as far as I’m concerned, we need to get a little bit of leeway. Besides I work hard for this city”.

“Since when?” asked the barmaid cynically attacks everything he says. Ultimately the barmaid with her deadpan no change in key voice convinces the drunk police officer to leave. The other thing of note in this scene is he keeps taking swigs out of the pink glass, but the level of the beer never changes. At one point he asks for another, you don’t need one mate you already have a refilling glass, go with that! Sorry barmaid convinces him to leave. He has just left ‘a bar’ he then decides to take a piss up the wall of the staircase. When ghost shark comes through the wall and eats him for no apparent reason. How did the shark know he was there? It may be a good point to say that the Shark crunches his victims like you would crunch a big-tasty apple. It’s very amusing what with a subtle crunch whilst it can also roar like a lion!

Sorry sir but you can't pee there.

Meanwhile Jen is now walking back through the woods with breakfast, although based on everything else going on we assume its 7 or 8pm. But the sun is shining so maybe its 10am after all. If so, then Jed started drinking at 8.30am. Just saying. Oh yes sorry Jen is walking through the woods and now there are lots of leaves on the ground. So, it must be autumn (fall) which means that the summer swim that Jill had was months ago! Now I am really confused. What happened to summer? Sorry third attempt Jen is walking in the woods. She hears a noise turns around and sees the ghost shark growling.

Very dark this morning.

Oh no its spotted her.

She lets out a little scream and runs. The fake jaws music kicks in as this shark slowly bounces through the woods.

Jen is running but the shark is giving a very slow chase. Enough time for Jen to lean up against a tree and then say to the camera “that he wants the groceries,” She throws down the bag and continues to run. It doesn’t work as the shark is coming for her anyway. It has a few snaps at her, and she screams. Until she finally reaches the ‘I’m going to get killed in the woods position’ of turning around and leaning up against a tree she faces what is chasing her (The rubber shark glowing whilst in the wood). It makes apple crunching sounds and she’s gone.

We cut back to Kim and Jill pool side. Jill’s mobile rings and she answers it bright eyed, and bushy tailed. No booze is affecting her.

“Hey daddy, What’s up?” well he is driving holding a mobile phone in 2020 and thinks it is safe to do so. Oh, you mean apart from this dangerous activity just for a movie scene. Oh no worries his phone is black and clearly not on so he cannot be speaking to anyone anyway.

See no connection.

Sorry continue…

“You have to find out who that board originally belonged to!” he goes on “I believe they’ve used it to entrap an animal spirit,”

She explains that they have no idea who the owners were as we found the board and we couldn’t even find the board this morning. This makes him panic “What!” He gives clear instructions

“Find that board, I am going to consult a medium, I’ll let you know if I learn more.”

Jill still won’t know who the original owner is. (Are you ready for this reply?)

“Jill, you’ve denied it for years, but your family has a history with the occult, that’s probably why the board was drawn to you in the first place.” (Says her DAD!)

She just accepts it instantly she says “OK, but, but!”

“That same connection, will help you find the owner.”

“Alright, if you say so!” (Well, that took a lot of convincing) “bye daddy”

Kim had sat and waited for the call to finish before standing up and taking her t-shirt off to jump into the pool, whilst Jill is drinking coffee and waving her left hand about in a go away motion. (This is also weird and out of context for this scene). Oh yeah Kim is heading for the pool. Getting to the edge she kind of screams kind of squeals whilst pointing at the pool. Jill comes over and they see a floating hand in the pool. (Meaning only 95% of you vanishes when you completely vanish when the shark attacks.)

Giss a hand Donna.

Kim gets on her knees and reaches out to the hand (why would you do this I do not know). The shark leaps from nowhere (well the pool) and eats Kim whole (even though the water leaps out of the pool before the shark does!!).

Jill looks on in panic as her friend is eaten in front of her eyes.

(on reflection this is possibly some of the worst acting in the movie so far, I thought Jills dad was bad, but this wasn’t great. No I think it was Donna's pre-death that wins so far but don’t worry dad will be back with some truly awful scenes soon enough)

Literally within 3 seconds of her friend’s death Jill is off and running. She runs into Tiff who is still standing next to the side gate where she got distracted yesterday. Seeing Jill running towards her she shouts “Hey! What did I miss?” Jill doesn’t answer just grabs her arm and keeps running. (I could remind you all that Tiff has been missing for 24 hours and not one person mentioned it!) They run off into the woods.

The sheriff is annoyed as his brother-in-law has not reported in since their morning, noon, afternoon, or evening phone call. Voicemail! What is he up to? So now he is walking around the woods as well. Still, lots of leaves around so must be autumn still. He finds Jen’s grocery bag and wonders what the hell is going on around here.

The girls are running through the woods when they adopt the instant death pose of leaning up against a tree. Tiff points out that it’s a floating death shark and those things just don’t happen. I know but it’s been chasing them anyway. The sad and poor jaws tat copy music is still playing as they stand against a tree. Where did it come from? Jill thinks it’s come from the Ouija board. Tiff points out that it’s just some form of game. The fact that she never saw the board before disappearing hasn’t affected her knowledge of what the other four were doing. (Maybe she spent the night with the neighbour shagging and watching the movie Ouija Shark on DVD, this way she already knows what happened). Jill tries to calm her down, while Tiff wants to know what to do? Jill hears something (I am not sure how with the double bass playing). They duck and watch the shark swim above them.

This is just quality. Suddenly you can't see through the shark!

“That was close,” says tiff now what. If that things going that way, then we are going this way. The plan is working until Tiff’s mobile rings and the shark hears it (OH PER-LEESE!!) they panic, Jill shouts run, and they are back running in the woods again. Tiffany falls over like 3 foot from Jill, but she shouts and tells her to get to your car. Jill shouts just get up and run, simples get up and run and then leaves her friends friend a few feet away with nothing preventing her from getting up she turns and leaves her on the ground and runs away. Tiffany gets eaten by the shark (obviously). Jill keeps running. She runs into the back of her car, and you can see the boot is already open. (We are then meant to believe that she has left her car in a forest car park in the middle of nowhere with a boot open and no one has gone in there and taken what she has in her boot. Wait till you hear what was in there that no one decided to take). Lifting the boot, she hasn’t got the keys so it was lucky she left it unlocked so she can just lift it. She then gets ready for battle by pulling out a leather jacker to wear. A pair of shin high boots with metal studs poking out. Oh, and a pump action shotgun. Just like many movie ready for war sequences she is ready for war. Randomly a monk dressed in black robes walks up behind Jill and gives her a jump scare. He pulls out the Ouija board and hands it to Jill.

Jill asks, “Where did you get that?”

He speaks “Its controlled by the board,”

“I mean who the hell are you?”

“I know the board; it belongs to me. The spirit of the shark was placed within it by me.”

Jill is getting annoyed now “That’s the craziest thing I’ve ever heard!”

“Crazier than what you have seen today?”

“I guess not!” then she adds “My father says you are the only one who can stop it!”

“Perhaps, I have dabbled in powers I shouldn’t have, tapping into the elemental forces and tried to control them, but I cannot control the sheer brutality of the Great White Shark, even once it passed through the land of the living!”

“Can we use the board to send it back where it came from?”

“I don’t know.”

He says he must return it to the board as the shark will just keep killing. Jill says that they must do something. Then she hears a noise and ducks as they reuse the shark swimming above them shot. Whilst Jill ducks, the man runs away. He has left the board on the floor.

Meanwhile Anthony (Jill's dad) is at the clairvoyant. Your daughter is in danger now being hunted by the beast. We must help her what can be done? The risk is that if they try and interfere it may spot them and come after them instead. It’s a risk he must take to save his daughter. Jill is now walking around the woods hunting the shark it appears behind her she spins around and shoots. Clearly in the shot below you can see her missing it anyway but she fires a second time and runs away the shark gives chase.

Thats some crappy aiming there Jill.

Holding up the board the shark backs off and she finds a cabin in the woods and hides in it.

Dad is pressing the clairvoyant to distract the shark away from his daughter he grabs the crystal ball and shouts. Come on fresh meet. (this is now winning the worst acted scene of the movie.) The shark appears there and takes some snappy bites at him. He screams and is then eaten (well he disappears like the rest of them).

It must be one of the longest days in the chief of police life as it started as summer, then autumn and now there is snow on the ground so I assume the late afternoon must be winter. They have spring in the evening and start the next day with summer again.

The ghost brought the snow (just to the forest and no where else!)

He says its unnaturally cold. (Oh, that explains the snow then. I know a lot of sharks that bring the snow. Strange there was no snow around the pool or the stairs where Jed died or the clairvoyant. Just here in the woods). He runs to the cabin and bangs on the door where Jill is. She opens the door and lets him in, the shark then ignores the fact it can go through walls to kill its other victims and just gives up on him and floats away. Now the humour of the movie really goes through the gears as he runs in and says, “What the hell was that thing?”

Jill replies “you wouldn’t believe me if I told you”

“Well, it looks like some floating ghost shark!”

“Oh, OK maybe you would believe me!” (Laugh I nearly shat meself!). She thinks that the board scared the shark away. So, the chief asks if she has a permit for the shotgun? They sit and talk and as a little side bar he has been firing the weapon, so the safety is off, and he casually points it at Jill see.

It’s a good job the Police Service in this movie are so reliable.

Jill believes that the board is the key to surviving this. She has lost the planchette which didn’t come with the board anyway. Seeing the picture above and having no care for the public the chief slaps his firearm onto the board and says let’s use that. Jill starts asking questions, ‘Is there anybody out there who can help us?’ The shark is back. Jill asks the same question but louder. The board spells D-A-D. That must mean he is dead!! He tells her he loves her and then says goodbye. As he is dead and in heaven, he can fight the shark knowing that it cannot kill him. So, fight he does, if you want to see the epic battle, I cannot show you, but I can share a picture.

The epic heavenly battle (Don't ask why an evil shark is in heaven!)

Told you it was epic; he then creates some spinning shield that he calls before he summons it. Mystic shield (bit like the power rangers). They stop with the light show and leap at each other. There is a loud bang in heaven, and both disappear.

Back in the cabin they are asking if he won or not. As they plan to leave, the shark reappears and firing shots at it Jill shouts “Fuck you fish face!” the shots do nothing. So, she points the gun towards the board. “This is for my dad, you aquatic douche bag!” Bang and the board starts to break up then just vanishes from this world. Then the shark vanishes as well, they’ve won. The shark and the board are gone but the snow is still on the ground.

This is not the end!! Oh no as the shrouded man comes down some random stairs with another board in his hands. He picks up the phone and it cuts to an exterior shot of the White House. You can hear a phone ring. There is a MAGA hat next to the phone a man looking like he’s just had a bag of wotsits or cheerios explode over his face answers the phone.

The wotsit man cometh.

The spooky man tells the president that its mission accomplished and everything on the eastern coast is taken care of. The project has been a success. The president asks about the experiment as it’s really important. The experiment went very well, and we can expect very soon we can go worldwide. Excellent says the president prepare phase 2 of Ouija Shark, it is going to be huge. He slams down the phone and starts to laugh. We hear the shark roar again. Closing credits.

PLOT ENDS - SAFE TO READ ON

The end credits take up 7 Minutes and 38 seconds and if you add the 2 min 32 at the beginning of this movie that leaves 59 minutes 50 for the entire movie. Let alone the sun rises and clouds that are not needed for this movie at all. Just show a picture of the sun (its morning!!) There is a lot of padding in this every short movie.

Summary

In summary this is a very poor movie. The acting is poor, the special effects are worse, the plot is awful and the stretching of a very short story up to an hour and then padded out with opening and closing credits to take it past an hour. There is a feel that this movie knows that it doesn’t have a big budget. It knows that it is playing for laughs but then continues to play with a straight bat and expecting people to like it. Where VelociPastor knows its silly and plays on its silliness. This film realises its bad and then continues its own story which it already knows isn’t good enough. Knowing that this is a proper film with a production team behind it and seeing some of their other film titles they clearly go for the bad. Which reminds me there was a low budget movie company in America that made a film so bad it was not that bad, maybe I should dig this one out and review it. I won’t say more than that as I don’t want to give the game away. The fact I am talking about other movies when summarising this one should tell you that you can really give this one a miss. For the $35 they spent on this its probably not that bad a movie but when you see this production company has a host of movies to its name you would have thought they would have improved on something. At least something. A rubber shark with a hand opening its mouth like Kermit the Frog is poor and I’d prefer Kermit myself. The fact one of the girls goes missing and they don’t care but they miss the other one who’s been gone for an hour at tops. No one notices an arm floating in the pool until they go for a swim. Set in the summer, yet the trees are losing leaves and the final seems are shot with snow around and sorry I ain’t buying that the ghost shark brings the snow here but no where else. Nope, sorry I tried. Now there are a few reason why this is likeable, but they are so far hidden that you can easily miss them with the poor sound quality the sinister music running out halfway through a scene, so they have to hit play on the cd again hides those qualities far away. Meaning I can only be negative about this and although cheap tacky and bad it just stays that way.

OUIJA SHARK - THE VERDICT:

Ouija Shark = So Bad – It’s simply that BAD!

Maniac On The Loose (#18)

I stumbled onto a low budget horror production company which have many strings to their bow’s. They hire some very low budget actors which appear to be their friends, and many cannot act. That doesn’t stop them from making movies. Maniac on the Loose was another that I kind of stumbled on when it was offered free as part of some other deal. If you want to give this a watch it is free on YouTube. You never know that Big Biting Pig Productions may have alternative free movies on there for your pleasure, as well.

Big Biting Pig Productions

For me I have seen this movie at least twice and will go for a third attempt to be able to write this review. Unlike many other movies on here the cover doesn’t lie as it uses a shot from the movie. Here it is -

The cover!

THE PLOT

There are some serious spoilers coming I will try and get to a safe point where the movie isn’t ruined in case you want to watch it.

SPOILER ALERT

It opens with standard street sound effects and the exterior shot of Madisonville Psychiatric Hospital. We see a door opening and slippers sliding along the floor. We watch as a patient slinks out the door finds a security door propped open with breeze bricks and hiding from the staff sneaks around the corridors and doors before heading out onto the street. They are free and the opening titles begin.

Cut to Melissa who is putting on lipstick and practicing how to say hello Alex how are you? Into the bathroom mirror. We then join her in a car as she is driving. Listening to the radio they interrupt the music to tell us that a patient described as very dangerous ‘may’ have escaped from the Madisonville Psychiatric Hospital two days ago from an anonymous tip (I’m not convinced a radio station would cut into a show let alone a song to announce a patient ‘MAY’ have escaped - but hey ho let’s move on). The newsman continues “the hospital hasn’t said anything and Radio M.A.D. is still trying to gain information. They have been trying to contact Dr Franklin L Grimm for a comment, but he has been unavailable to comment.” Meanwhile a strange man is stood in the middle of the road stopping Melissa. He walks around to the window; she opens it and shouts at him about possibly killing him. He leans into the window and the radio continues about the escaped maniac on the streets. Putting two and two together she looks at him and speeds off leaving him in the road.

Cut to the office of Franklin Grimm we see his degree certificate from the Northwestern Bluff University. We find the Doctor finishing a phone call getting the other person to call as soon as they hear anything. There are lots of notes about a patient called John Bromley on his desk. The doctor collects all the files and walks out the room. His PA/secretary is in the next room, she calls him and says that I know you said to hold all your calls, but before she can finish, he interrupts and says I don’t have the time. She tries again but no he is not having any of it. He did ask if the head of security had called? She calls him Ski-mask and she argues that everyone calls him that. He agrees and then asks if he has called. No, he is on vacation (that means Holiday to us Brits). Let me know if he does. He goes to leave but with three doctors in the corridor he skulks back in. If I get caught getting out of here, I will be stuck forever trying to get out. As he is saying that the door is opening behind him. Dr Clark has followed him in. I am just going out I will talk to you tomorrow. No, it cannot wait. Aren’t you supposed to be based at Dawson’s Springs, I am wasted there I need to be here? Opening the door saying I will talk about it tomorrow. He drops a file whilst collecting that he drops the other. Then he drops his keys, full on comedy moment. (It is funnier as both are poor actors, and definitely not comedy actors).

Melissa pulls up outside a house and toots the horn of the car. No one comes out so she goes and knocks on the door. A grumpy looking man opens the door and just stares at her.

Melissa, this is erm Max. Max this is Melissa I think.

Stood in silence she looks confused and finally asks if Alex is home? Now he looks confused and says Alex?

She continues “I have a date with him, and I am actually ten minutes late!”

He smirks and then says, “you must be Melissa!” he looks her up and down then invites her in. Checking that no one saw her come in, he follows her in. Alex is out apparently but he should be home soon. So, saying its weird that he won’t say where he is or when he will be back, she decides to wait for a minute. She sits on the sofa he pulls in a chair from the kitchen and sits directly in front of her staring.

A weird staring contest.

She says you know me but What’s your name? What should I call you?

Being even more weird he said those are two different questions. I will answer the second question and pauses before saying Max. He is licking his lips. She gets up to leaves and Max stops her. Get out of my way or I will kick you in the balls or at least tell me where he went. The store! He reveals. “Why did he go to the store?”

“To get deodorant!” (As you do!) With this information she will wait another minute. Max has some magazines on the table. Whilst Max is away filling two glasses with tap water Melissa checks out the magazine the top two are about Log Cabins with the rest being porn. In the kitchen Max is licking (yes licking) the rim of the glass and the inside and the outside as well. He returns handing the glass over and then keeps asking if she is enjoying the water. Staring intently as she does, he is really getting off on it. They discuss the blind date with Alex and Max is not impressed with how dangerous that type of thing is. The plan was to meet in the drive and then walk to a coffee shop. Him not showing meant she knocked and met Max. Asking about him Max says he is here to do some jobs around the house. Then reveals he’s over at that Madisonville Psychiatric Hospital. At the insane asylum? She exclaims “That’s where the patient escaped from a couple of days ago and they say he is really dangerous!” Max looks confused. Then she says that she thinks that she saw him on the way here, some creepy guy in the road. Max replied, “That wasn’t him!” and then for a horror movie she asks a very good question. “How do you know?”

Whoops that have got him annoyed, he stands up “See you report this stuff to the media and everywhere people turn they see a maniac on the loose.” (BOOM - SAYING THE MOVIE TITLE!! WINNER!!). He continues “Do you think he is going to walk around showing people how crazy he is, no he is too smart for that!” whoops another slip there Max

“Oh, so you know who he is!!”

Getting really angry he shouts his answer “What the hell with all the questions here!” getting really frustrated “I wasn’t there when it happened, yet I am supposed to have all the answers? Am I? AM I?” Melissa leans back away from him looking concerned. He holds his head as if in pain then shouts, “Damn it!” and storms out of the room. He enters the kitchen and grabs a large knife. (Oops Mel you’ve asked one too many questions here!).He then starts groaning and moaning as he slices into his own forearm, whilst Melissa is concerned from the other room. Standing but not seeing Max she moves towards the door. Max appears and tells her she isn’t going anywhere and throws her to the ground with low budget music playing. She gets up and runs upstairs.

Bit of an action shot for you there.

It fades and then we see Max walking down the street looking mad, then up to the house. Knocking on the door a grey-haired rotund gentleman answers the door in a cheery manner. Max asks if he lives there when he says he certainly does he follows up with how long?

“Not long why do you ask?”

Alex please meet Max.

Max says that he spent some of his childhood in this house. I used to live here. The man is surprised as he knows many of the families that used to live here before. Max says he is only back in town because of his father’s funeral after twenty years. The grey-haired man is sorry to hear that. Max says not to be sorry as they had a strained relationship.

“That’s a true tragedy,” says the man “anything I can do to help?”

“I wanted some closure and wanted to see my old room again,” Max apologises and says he shouldn’t impose then walks away but the nice man calls him back and says come on in. Again, before entering the house Max checks to see if anyone was watching as he goes in. They enter the house, and the man offers some help as he had a similar relationship with his father and was lucky enough to resolve them whilst he was still with us. Max picks up a picture of a couple a bald man and a lady in a blue dress, he smirks seeing it and looks up at the man. The man goes on saying how important family is. This man has a theory about families and being able to pick and choose who their family is. There is a wall of pictures on the stairwell, Max is taking particular interest in those. He then goes on about having a date this morning and he wants the woman to feel as safe as possible. So, this must be Alex. Max asks for the lucky girl’s name which Alex tells him. Max goes to the room he says he lived in. This room was my prison. Alex is trying so hard to talk this into a closure for Max. Max looks likes he is crying and then he is laughing. I don’t think you understand I came here to spit on his grave, and I hate him. They argue about his theory and then then Alex says you shouldn’t speak about your father like that in this house. Getting louder and angry. Max picks up a vase and smashes him across the face making him fall on the bed.

Cut to the doctor who has escaped the journalists and doctors hounding him for information. He is walking across the car park to his car.

The empty car park (Yes I can see a car in the background it was driving past)

If he is escaping why is the only car in the entire car park, his. Does no one else work in the hospital? Where are all of those journalists? Have they not worked out that the directors car would be in the car park and hovering around waiting to fire off questions and grab a quick statement? (Obviously not. Continue, don’t ask questions just continue).

He gets there and cannot open the car because he hasn’t got his keys. Leaving the patients notes on top of his car he goes back in and tries to sneak up the fire escape. He bumps into a female doctor on the stairs above him. She thought he wasn’t here today. I’m not! He says desperately. I am trying not to be. Why is she here? (to go all British) she is having a sneaky fag on the fire escape stairs. Dr Grimm asks if she got his message about complete isolation for the patient John Bromley. He is to see no one else; no one goes into his room. No one. He compliments her he will offer her more opportunity to move up the hierarchy. A single doctor walks passed him, and he hides his face. She goes to go through a door as another doctor comes through and gropes her. Dr Grimm calls him over and gives him a telling off. They then have a pointless conversation about some patients when a radio starts talking about the escaped patient. Dr Grimm wants to know how long this story has been out. Since this morning the other doctor is shoved away and now Dr Grimm is panicking. The fag smoking doctor comes into the corridor and offers him a date.

Melissa lands on the bed next to Alex they both have their hands tied behind their back. Max has arranged many different tools ready for the next scene.

Which weapon of torture to use? Decisions, descisions...

Max has decided on the knife (top right corner), and he picks it up. Then says look at this happy little couple. Max says that Melissa is too young for Alex. She says he isn’t too old but Alex chips in with I am not that old. Max points out that Alex should remain quiet unless he is asked a direct question. Alex says to leave them alone. (First rule broken!). Max goes back picks up the drill and comes back aiming at Alex’s eye. Cut to Dr Grimm’s secretary with her feet up on the desk smoking a fag and drinking. He catches her and then says they will talk about this but the phone rings. He cuts it off, it rings again, and he pulls the cable out of the wall. It’s been ringing all day. The doc says only three people know about this so who leaked this story.

Cut back to the room, he pulls the drill away turns Alex over and breaks his thumb with pliers. (You get to see this). Max starts picking on Melissa. Are you pure? She doesn’t understand. He makes it clearer about what he is asking her. Are you pure. No. See she’s a slut. Max asks about partners she says three. He asks about a tramp stamp. She has a tattoo, see. Alex is demanding that Max leaves her alone. Max says that his arguing just cost this lady a finger and he cuts off one of her fingers. Melissa is crying on the bed and Max plans to rape her when a mobile phone rings he goes off to answer it.

The doctor goes back to his office and finds the other doctor sat at his chair and at his desk. He is waving the keys at him. Dr Gordon Clark is then setting up a bribe situation for his promotion and more money. What is the hold up? Why after two days have you not given a statement. That’s it you have sent that madman Ski-mask the head of security after him haven’t you. Any success? Obviously not if you are not making a statement and he isn’t back. Dr Clark is piecing Dr Grimm’s plan together perfectly. (Side note the director of the hospital has holes in his office ceiling!)

The there is less holes in swiss cheese than this hospital roof.

Dr Clark says that you have sent a psychopath to catch a psychopath. That’s what you’ve done. Dr Grimm says he is the head of security. Dr Clark says but no one knows what he looks like because he is always wearing that ski-mask. We don’t even know his real name. Dr Grimm explains that his hides his identity from patients that may hold a grudge. But why? It wouldn’t be because of his brutality caused by him. Dr Clark wants his resignation, but Dr Grimm sacks him. Dr Grimm works out that Dr Clark deliberately let John Bromley out just to make him quit his job and take over his job. Dr Clark didn’t count on one thing with this master plan. That Dr Grimm’s job means the world to him and as Dr Clark leaves Dr Grimm jumps him from behind with his tie and strangles him.

It's killing time Doctor Grimm.

That’ll stop him Dr Grimm, this seems to work as Dr Clark dies on the floor in a choke scene that seemed to go on a little too long. Dr Grimm is shocked at what he has just done.

SPOILERS COMING AND IF YOU WANT TO WATCH THIS SKIP TO THE SUMMARY. I’LL MARK IN RED WHEN IT IS SAFE TO READ ON.

Having taken his call Max returns to the room. He starts undoing his trousers as he does. Looking at Melissa he says, “Oh shit!” she is dead on the bed. “She must have gone into shock and died!” but she is still warm though! There was a bang downstairs which stops him again. He slowly makes his way towards the noise. He goes to another door upstairs opens it and a body falls out on the floor. Covered in blood it’s the man from the picture Max looked at earlier in the day. Thinking aloud he says, “What the hell?” then grimaces in pain he turns slowly to see why and guess who…

Alex that is John please me Max who is Ski-mask. All that clear? didn't think so.

Alex is there to then do something else behind Max which makes blood spill from his mouth. The blood spills onto his shirt as he falls first to his knees and then to the ground. Leaving the shot of Alex holding the long knife from earlier but this time covered in blood as well as his hands. We cut back to the earlier scenes where we watched a pair of slippers escape the hospital. Now the camera scrolls up to reveal the face of John Bromley (serial killer) it is who we thought was Alex. Alex who will be John for the rest of this plot. He overhears a man demanding dinner when he gets home which reminds John of his father. So, waiting for the man to walk down the alley way John grabs him throws him to the ground and pulls out his tongue with the pliers that Max had earlier. The scene has blood splatters and some seriously rubber tongue flapping around. He pulls out a hammer and finishes the job. We then cut back to the ‘real’ Alex masturbating at the dining table in the living room, using the pervy mags Melissa saw earlier. He has just kicked a cup and saucer onto the floor which smashed. As he is kneeling down to pick up the pieces, he sees a man waiting by the front door. Doing up his flies he goes to investigate. John is on the porch, ‘real Alex’ asks if he can help him. How long have you lived here? Ten years. Would you consider that a long time? No, the previous house I lived in for 20 years. Are you conducting a survey? Why did you move? Work? What about your wife or family? I’m divorced. I don’t believe in divorce myself. The real Alex wishes his wife’s attorney thought the same way.

The real Alex then tries another tack. Why are you here?

John says, “This used to be my home, I used to live here all my life, this will always be my home.”

As he tells John how nice the inside looks like John eyes up a shovel closed by the door. John says he wonders how much its changed. Alex (real one) says that he has done some digging into the history of the house. “Did you know the Bromley’s used to live here!” he continues “you know John Bromley, the serial killer!” He then tells John all about how he killed his family and then went on to have a family of his own until three weeks later after moving away, he killed his wife and his daughter. (You get a snippet of those murders!). John says he isn’t interest in the past only the future. I know of three other families that have lived here but you don’t fit any of those correctly so what is your name?

“Bromley”

He burst out laughing until John stares at him and the laugh stops, and the next question begins.

“Are you related to John?”

“I am pausing as I don’t know how to answer that question!” Alex runs back into the house whilst John grabs the shovel and follows. They both run upstairs, and you hear Alex (the real one) pleading not to be hurt. You can hear the shovel doing the work. John comes back down to see Alex (the real one) was on a dating site and has nudey mags on his desk. John is covered in very red blood and carrying a shovel.

We cut back to when Melissa and John (as Alex) were on the bed and Max must take a phone call. Max leaves as John gets his hands free. Melissa I’ve learnt so much about you today I felt an immediate connection don’t you agree. She is more interested in getting untied. He is that convinced that they are perfect together that he asks her to marry him. She doesn’t understand I just want to get out of here.

“This is your last chance Melissa; I can’t let anyone else have you!” says Alex to the bound Melissa on the bed next to him.

“please untie me!”

“Sorry Melissa, It didn’t have to be this way. It could have been perfect.” He smothers her with a pillow and kills her there on the bed.

Melissa this is John who isn't Alex, or Max, or Ski-Mask or Doctor Grimm. He is John, Ok that clear?

Dr Clark is dead on the floor whilst Dr Grimm is cleaning the scene with a feather duster. He is even humming as he works around the body. He even stumbles over the body. The female doctor is demanding to see Dr Grimm. Let me in! He covers the body and leaves the room. The female doctor assumes he has another woman in his office as he is acting weird, peals away from him and goes back in the room.

Dr Grimm cleaning up the crime scene with a duster.

Finding Dr Clark on the floor she asks if he is dead, and Dr Grimm says he fell. He also locks the door behind them both and picks up a syringe. She checks for head injuries by fluffing his hair a bit whilst Dr Grimm slowly walks towards her. Injecting her with air into her neck killing her as well. He hides the syringe in the pot plant in the corner. (The one top right of the pic above) What do I do? He panics “I know, I call ski-mask!” Grabbing the phone, he dials. Max answers the phone

“Hello!” Says Max

“Oh Ski-Mask thank god its you!” (For the rest of this plot Max will be replaced with Ski-Mask!)

“what do you want I am busy!” Says Max I mean Ski-mask

Dr Grimm asks if he has found Bromley and he says that he has. That’s great. Where? He went back to his old house. Ski-mask points out that there will be an innocent victim here I will take care of. I can’t let her live she’s seen my face. Oh, strange you should say there are a couple of issues here I need your help with. Two dead bodies of Dr Louis and Dr Clark (insert Superman joke here!). Ski-mask says he’ll take care of it come get me first. Ski-mask hears a scream, hangs up and leaves.

The doctor covers the bodies and leaves.

It’s now dark and the lights are on at the house as the doctor arrives. He goes in but the house looks empty. In the living room he finds Melissa sat in a chair, checking for a pulse he doesn’t find one. He finds the naughty mags on the floor and two glasses of water on the table. He moves through the room to the bottom of the stairs. Looking up he calls for Ski-mask. There is no reply. He goes into the kitchen turns off the tap and finds Alex (the real one) on the kitchen floor dead with a bashed-up head. Dr Grimm goes into the dining room, nothing, so heads into the study he finds someone on a chair. Stepping up next to the chair he sees Max no Ski-mask dead in the chair covered in blood. He can then hear banging upstairs when he gets to the bottom of the stairs again. John jumps out with a jump scare that was always coming, holding the knife high in his hand. The doctor pulls out a gun. “Stop or I’ll shoot!” Dr Grimm points the gun at Alex I mean John

“Oh, its Dr Grimm!” says John “what are you doing here? Welcome to my home. The perfect home!”

The doctor and patient have a conversation about the murder of Ski-mask and the others. Alex John is forced to drop the knife and the doctor makes him hand over some cord, to tie him up. Whilst tying the knot John escapes forcing the doctor to drop the gun. During the struggle Dr Grimm grabs the gun again. Forcing John to lay down and put his hands behind his back this way he’ll be able to tie him up properly this time. Success!! Once done he allows John to stand up.

“I’m your doctor John, you can’t outsmart me! You are mine, no one will even know you escaped!” he picks up one of the glasses “It’s like I always say, if you want something done right you have to do it yourself!” Taking a big swig of water, he finishes the glass. Starts to laugh then seems confused. Then in pain, he drops the glass then the gun. Grabs his throat he then starts puking puss and blood and collapses on the floor. Alex sorry John looks on confused.

We cut back to when Melissa first arrived and was talking to Ski-Mask who called himself Max. So, she believed she was talking to Max at that time or maybe Alex pretending to be Max. She had a glass of water in her hand, and she was talking about the fireplace so Ski-Max (fuck it I’ll go with that for now!) looks at the fireplace. She pulls out a syringe and drops it into his glass of water. Hence, she made him make one for himself but he never touched it. We now see Melissa and her abusive husband arguing. She is getting a divorce and he says he owns the house. He then says we can go back to how we used to be, you would get a date with a guy, and I’d give you that stuff for his drink then we would watch him die together. He promises that if she goes back to killing with him then he won’t hit her anymore. She says she has a date on Friday, and you can come and watch, like old times. Ryan (Melissa’s husband) comes in the house to find a letter. She lied the date was this morning and by the time you read this I will be long gone. However, as a going away present I will leave the doors unlocked to my dates house and here are the directions. Enjoy your life alone. He screws up the paper and throws it on the floor.

Ryan goes to the house walks in finds the doctor dead on the floor and Alex erm John standing by the stairs. Hey fella untie me.

Ryan – What’s going on here?

John – This guy went nuts and started killing people

Ryan – Melissa!!! *Seeing the body of his wife on the chair*

John – you know her?

Ryan – Yes that’s my wife!

John – Your WIFE!! Sorry to be insensitive but could you untie me.

Ryan – what happen

John – he was killing people and was going to do me until he took a drink of that water and died.

Ryan looks at his wife and says that’s my girl, but this didn’t work out the way you wanted it did it. Meanwhile John is sneaking up behind him with a shovel. TWANG!

PLOT ENDS - SAFE TO READ ON

Summary

This was Big Biting Pigs first ever movie and it had more twists and turns than a snake on a hot tin roof. Ok the acting was pretty awful, and the special effects matched it. They didn’t have the cash to use lots of special effects so they came up with a story that could be made. The low budget is clear with the hospital and director having no ceiling. The car park was empty the hospital was empty it felt that they only had a corner of a building to use. With a corridor and a shoe cupboard that was converted into their film set for the entire hospital. A director of a hospital driving that car would be unheard of. The doctor appeared to be played for laughs which may not have worked in this movie it would appear that everyone else played this movie with a straight bat whilst he played if for laughs. Which makes the scenes where he starts to murder look a bit silly and out of place with idea of the movie. It feels a bit torn between we want to make a good horror movie, but we also know that we don’t have much cash so maybe we should poke fun at ourselves. Maybe if they stayed one way or the other it may have improved the movie. I have seen this movie at least three times and although I dipped in and out the second time.

This movie is free it is advertised as free and baring that in mind its not a bad story at all. This story goes about giving you an expectation and then goes about changing it and in my opinion it does it. Now what I’ve seen and heard of Big Biting Pig Productions they are extremely low budget and very weird, if you type Mr. Monkey & The Man then you will see some reaction videos of a man with a toy monkey listening to music and you get to watch their reactions. The monkey basically opens and closes its mouth. That’s about it. There is a baby and pictures of dogs and cows in the background. This is half the Big Biting Pig Productions. He writes and directs many of the movies. If that isn’t weird enough to make movies, I don’t know what is. I am not sure how or if they are making any money from their films as most are available on Amazon Prime for free. With some of the other ones appearing free on YouTube. I saw this movie their first then again on YouTube and on there they have adverts dotted throughout with their other movies. Which equally look cheap and cheerful. That is not why I am here but what I can tell you about this movie is that it’s a good and clever story played out with no money, and they do it as well as possible and fair play to them they didn’t waste the little funds they had they gave it a great effort and that is all I could ask.

What this movie does do which so many small independent movies fail to do is tie everything together nearly everything you see or hear comes into the story somewhere. Dr Louis says about her husband on the phone having an argument about having his dinner on the table or else he won't be home at all. He then gets killed by John, so will never be home. Whilst the Doctor flirting with Dr Grimm says about her husband not coming home after demanding dinner on the table. Subtle but in most cases the little bits link back to something. Every scene counts and that is a nod to the director and those behind the camera(s). This movie is worth a bit of your time, once you get past the cheapness of it, their is a nugget of a good story here.

Go watch it you might enjoy it.

BAD MOVIES REVIEW... (Part 4)

Halloween 3: Season of the Witch (#22)

This movie review is brought to you by our sponsor -

Silver Shamrock Novelties, Santa Mira, California, USA.

THE PLOT

SPOILER Warning if needed

PLOT ENDS - SAFE TO READ ON

My Summary

THE VERDICT – Halloween 3: The Season Of The Witch

So Bad – It’s not worth your time

Pumpkinhead (#21)

End of the Plot

Summary

THE VERDICT – Pumpkinhead

So Bad – It’s Pretty Darn Good.

The VelociPastor (#20)

PLOT DONE

SUMMARY

THE VERDICT –

The VelociPastor = So Bad – It’s Funny and worth an

hour and 10 minutes of your time.

Ouija Shark (#19)

THE PLOT

WARNING OF SPOILERS AS THIS WILL BE THE FULL PLOT TO THE END!

PLOT ENDS - SAFE TO READ ON

Summary

OUIJA SHARK - THE VERDICT:

Ouija Shark = So Bad – It’s simply that BAD!

Maniac On The Loose (#18)

THE PLOT

There are some serious spoilers coming I will try and get to a safe point where the movie isn’t ruined in case you want to watch it.

SPOILER ALERT

PLOT ENDS - SAFE TO READ ON

Summary

THE VERDICT – Maniac On The Loose

Maniac On The Loose = So Bad – It’s good, cheap but good!!

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Ahoy Hoy! Thanks for checking out the blog. Who is she? We will never know!

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BAD MOVIES REVIEW... (Part 4)

Halloween 3: Season of the Witch (#22)

This movie review is brought to you by our sponsor -

Silver Shamrock Novelties, Santa Mira, California, USA.

THE PLOT

SPOILER Warning if needed

PLOT ENDS - SAFE TO READ ON

My Summary

THE VERDICT – Halloween 3: The Season Of The Witch

So Bad – It’s not worth your time

Pumpkinhead (#21)

End of the Plot

Summary

THE VERDICT – Pumpkinhead

So Bad – It’s Pretty Darn Good.

The VelociPastor (#20)

PLOT DONE

SUMMARY

THE VERDICT –

The VelociPastor = So Bad – It’s Funny and worth an

hour and 10 minutes of your time.

Ouija Shark (#19)

THE PLOT

WARNING OF SPOILERS AS THIS WILL BE THE FULL PLOT TO THE END!

PLOT ENDS - SAFE TO READ ON

Summary

OUIJA SHARK - THE VERDICT:

Ouija Shark = So Bad – It’s simply that BAD!

Maniac On The Loose (#18)

THE PLOT

There are some serious spoilers coming I will try and get to a safe point where the movie isn’t ruined in case you want to watch it.

SPOILER ALERT

PLOT ENDS - SAFE TO READ ON

Summary

THE VERDICT – Maniac On The Loose

Maniac On The Loose = So Bad – It’s good, cheap but good!!

Recent Posts

Comments

Ahoy Hoy! Thanks for checking out the blog. Who is she? We will never know!

Let the posts come to you.

Let the posts
come to you.