BAD XMAS FILMS REVIEW... (Part 7)
It's CHRISTMAS!!!
I thought I would put together some lovely and wholesome Christmas movies to lighten the mood. Well, I say that but feel the need to remind everyone how this part of the blog came about in the first place. Meaning these reviews will be of course Christmas movies as promised but they will be horror movies trying to ruin this most festive of festive periods.
The scores will be based on the same information list as on the other pages as here:
· So Bad – Its Fantastic
· So Bad – Its Good
· So Bad – Its Funny
· So Bad – Its Not Worth Your Time
· So Bad – It is Simply that - Bad.
· So Bad – Its Awful
I was going to switch this around and start the new one's at the bottom but what I think I am going to do is leave this in order and put the new review under the first one which decision makes me then feel like starting this review with a bit of a confession or an introduction. I begin with a slight disclaimer as I do not wish to come across racist but watching multiple Christmas Horror Movies has led me to a conclusion that has made me change the movies that I review. As a result, I feel I should come clean and sound racist but try to be honest in a humorous way to keep in the spirit of kindness and joy at this season. Having watched a few horror movies set around Christmas I came to a single conclusion. The Hollywood/American Movie makers that are Jewish completely hate Father Christmas. Sorry as American’s they would call him Santa Claus, but the feeling is still the same. They hate the poor bastard! Why? My guess is all the popular media coverage he gets and then ultimately doesn’t bring them toys when they were kids. You have all grown up now and really should know that Santa is truly and honestly just for the kids. Don’t go hating a figure that brings joy and happiness to so many little people. If you want to steal the idea and come up with something for yourself don’t hate for the sake of it. Even the yanks of yesteryear have stolen the myth of the little green man being kind to animals and children and turned him into this huge conglomerate of red and white (yes Cola brand! I am looking at you) fat man giving over privileged children two ton of present each year that they don’t appreciate or look after for more than a day. Yes, we know this but we overlook it due to the love and kindness that happens around this time of the year. It is also another reason for me to look behind the curtain and see the evils that lie beneath the loving outlook and to see the horror movies that shine a light on the bad things of Christmas. But please Jews let’s not make this personal, so I will give you a review of one blatant movie and then tried to avoid the others before ending this review list with probably my favour Santa killing spree Christmas movie out there that left me feeling very confused with the whole thing. Now that’s how to do it people.
Santa's Slay (#32)
Many years ago wrestling was very popular on TV and over in America-land there was such a thing as the Monday night wars were two rival Wrestling franchises competed for the greatest number of viewers. For those not in the know WWE (or WWF back then) went toe to toe with WCW in a television war. Now I was on the WWE side of things based on having access to the channels that showed it. On the other channel WCW grew and grew and one particular hero on the WCW was a babyface called Goldberg who appeared and won and then just kept winning and winning. His winning record to oh was quoted every week. Even I on the opposite side heard of him and got a bit excited by him. Years later and the story of him being a very poor technical wrestler has come out and has been backed up with watching back some of his most famous bouts. Why the hell am I telling you all of that bumph?
The Poster (well Cover)
Well, first up is a movie starring said wrestler. He plays Santa in a movie guaranteed to stop kids waiting up to see the jolly jelly bellied red faced old man. As he goes on a killing spree around Christmas time. Directed by David Steiman, written by David Steiman this movie wasn’t produced by David Steiman, however it was Sammy Lee, Brett Ratner, and Doug Steeden. Don’t be embarrassed as I haven’t heard of them either. Steiman has only directed one film and I think you can guess which one it is. He has been assistant on Red Dragon, and Rush Hour 2. Production assistant on Cast Away, What Lies Beneath, and Inspector Gadget. After all those bit parts he stepped up to the director’s seat and hasn’t really done anything after this little gem of a movie. This was a straight to video, well DVD back then and may have had a release in other countries but had mixed reviews. Want to see how my reviews goes, keep reading. There are lots of famous faces in this movie even though not staring in the film they clearly had lots of people showing up for a single day of filming and getting a few quid for their efforts. Let’s have a look at that list shall we – Robert Culp does have a starring role. Dave Thomas, Saul Rubinek, James Caan (Yes actually him), Rebecca Gayheart, Francine Joy Drescher, and Tom ‘Tiny’ Lister, to name a few. I feel that’s enough background as you want a plot overview now, don’t you?
THE PLOT
There isn’t much of one, well there is one, it is just a thin and transparently poor story that is threaded together by gory murder to gory murder. Which appears to be the main idea of this film where they had some ideas of murder scenes that needed to be linked together which is where the inventive mind kicked in and rather than something amusing, they have made something up just to destroy the image of Santa as this seems to be the aim of this movie. Although doing so with a tongue in cheek or just that cheeky smile.
The story begins as a family sit down to what appears to be a Christmas dinner and they are all talking about how rich they are and how happy they are not poor and moaning about each other and showing no thanks for what they have. Then there is some soot dropping onto the fireplace before a pair of red trousers with white fur trip above some black shinny boots drops onto the fire. Rather than sneaking through the half this Santa bursts through the brickwork dropping rubble around the large dinner room. He then proceeds to kill all the guest in various different ways. Setting one on fire, stabbing the head of the household through the hands pinning him to the table. Ripping the star from the top of the tree and using it like a ninja star. Even the dog goes for a burton. This Santa is not very nice. Now this opening scene is high energy killing and action form minute one through to the end of the scene and the beginning of the opening credits. Hilarious, raucous and fun. Killing those that deserve it for their attitudes and unbound plenitude. They had it coming right. Here is the crutch of the film this is the high point for me this was when I laughed, and the film goes downhill from there. This peak (which wasn’t the highest anyway) is never met again. Yes, there are funnies throughout the movie, but they saved the best for start and it goes downhill from there.
The movie actually begins on Christmas Eve, which makes you ask why that family was having a Christmas meal the day before slightly confusing. Anyhoo – it is Christmas Eve, and we are in ‘Hell Township’ and the snow is covering the ground. We join a miserly old lady grumping in a butcher who moans about the service and then the price. Then moans when wished Seasons Greetings Mrs… She stops and turns around to say don’t start on this political correctness rubbish it is Christmas so say Merry Christmas. The Jewish owner of the shop says Merry Christmas and she says the same then tells him to go F*** himself before marching out. I am sensing a feeling beginning here. There are two youngsters working in the store and she calls the girl a whore before leaving. Driving at 5 mph swerving all over the road. Santa in his buffalo (well bison) drawn sleigh comes up from behind and cannot get past so rams her off the road adding to the kill count.
Meanwhile back at the store the young girl is flirting with the young guy and asking if he celebrates Christmas with his grampa. He doesn’t really, celebrate and I haven’t really seen him recently. The Jewish butcher arrives with presents for them both a snow globe for the girl and a clock (oh this might be relevant later) that tells the time in all 25 different time zones at the same time. Yes, he can control his excitement. She offers him a lift which he is forced to take as the snow prevents his scooter from working. Her flirting is wasted on this numbty. They discuss Christmas and why they don’t like it. They get back to his house and we are introduced to the multiple locks and hidden keys that are required before he can finally open the door before switching off the electrical alarm.
He is chilling when the lights go out because Grandpa couldn’t remember if he switched the light off from the bulb he needs to change in the bunker. He is an inventor and has just invented a mobile record player with a vinyl record player strapped to the back of the owner with a massive set of earphones. He was going to call it the RecordMan. [Oh, how the hilarity continues]. He has also invented a nutcracker that fire nuts like a bullet. Before we are introduced to the bunker which is fully compact and stocked full of survival info and equipment. Meanwhile Santa is out on the street with a bell when he there is an attempt to mug him in the street. He kills the mugger. Back at home we are reduced to fart gags and conversations of Christmas with Santa not being the nice guy we think he is. Grandpa pulls out a massive book and starts to tell a story. Explaining that there were two births one for Jesus and the other for Santa the son of Satan. There were many deaths that kept happening on the same date and it became known as the Day of Slaying. The Christians would come together each year to beg for protection from Christ see a mass for Christ’s protection hence Christmas. This is interrupted with the girls return for some more flirting.
We join a sermon at the local Church where we watch the pastor take the collection money straight from the tin to the local titty bar. Santa arrived on his sleigh tipping the valet parking to find a spot for his bison drawn sleigh. He goes in and starts by killing the bouncer then anyone who gets in his way. He then torches the place and goes back to his sleigh.
Back at the house Gramps is off to bed to let the girl (Mary, yes they went there with the name) is getting fed up with the flirting knockbacks and goes home. Grampa lied and is back in his bunker working on the nutcracker whilst monitoring multiple cctv camera screens. The boy goes back to read the ancient text. Which transport us into an animation sequence an angel that took the form of an old man challenge Santa to bet about playing curling with stones getting closes to a hole in the ice. If the man loses he goes to hell to be tortured for a thousand years. If Santa loses the day becomes a day of joy and he must give presents to all. (You can see where this is going can't you) Well the angel wins, and Santa drops the Satan business and becomes the nice guy we all know. However, this was in 1004 and the thousand years are up so Santa can go back to his old ways. Which he has already but rather than the whole world he is torturing this particular town.
Its Christmas Day and Santa has been busy delivering bombs to boys and girls and running over nativities with his Buffalo. The pastor is in Church saying condolences about the booby girls from the club. Santa arrives at the butchers which is closed but he is inside still slicing meat. Santa smashes his way in and manages to do his signature spire move from WCW before stabbing the guy with a Menorah through the throat. He then finds a photo of the grandpa on the wall and head off bumping into so orthodox Jews outside which he growls at but continues walking.
In a shop open on Christmas Day the boy hears that there has been some vandalism at his works address so leaves and dashes straight over there. Arriving before the police and after the reporters had left but still his boss was pinned to the wall with a Menorah through his neck. Crying over his dead body the police arrive to investigate. They must be really slow in this town! Yep, they are as the ask the person standing in front of the victim what happened. Whilst the other cop speaks to the Jews outside. They decide to take him in for questioning meanwhile the other cop says that the Jews saw a man leaving dressed in a Santa outfit. They get called Amish and are also escorted to the police station.
Joseph (that the boy's name!) [obvious really] gets called over by Sgt. Dick Zucker who tells him that Captain Caulk will see him now. Rather than Sgt Bush. Joseph asks Dick if he prefers Caulk or Bush which he seems to prefer Caulk over Bush. This was actually funny. Caulk is dressed as Santa when Joseph arrives. Joseph explains that the time at the North Pole will be the same as Green-Which so all the killing will end at 7pm. Christmas will be over in 4 hours. Which means that doing good Santa can get around the world in 24 hours but doing bad he is only able to deal with a single town in America (or maybe Canada). And how come he can kill people on the day before Christmas Eve and on Christmas Eve, but he has to stop killing when the clock strikes midnight. What about tomorrow, doesn’t that make it pre-Christmas again?
SPOILER ALERT
OK there is a few face offs between Joseph, Mary, and Santa. Santa pumpkin bombs (Spiderman reference) the hell out of them and they escape on a ski-mobile through the middle of a clay-pigeon shooting competition. I will add there is a lot of activity going on at Christmas in this town. Jo and Mary break into a school where they come face to face with Santa for the final showdown. With a curling contest and a big fight. Which concludes with Santa being shot down with a bazooka. Well, what a finish.
Summary
I am guessing that growing up Jewish in America must make you jealous of people sharing gifts at Christmas time. However, there is no one stopping you from joining in or vetoing out of the whole thing. This is another example of the Christmas bashing from another religion. Now being the massive Christmas fan that I am there is an element of Christmas that I love and there are other points which I loathe, but I can take it or leave the Christmas part. I think the problem with this movie was it was an anti-Christmas at its heart. If there was a warm glow at the centre of this movie the rest of it would have followed, without question. I would describe this movie as hitting he post; it was close but there was something missing. Can I put my finger on what that is? is something I am not exactly sure of; my best guess is that warm glow that you can create even with a horror movie. They could have made something likeable here which may have carried it off but it fails somewhere down the line.
Maybe a more pertinent question should be – did I like it? And the answer is yes, but with an added point of a secondary question of – Would I recommend it? Well, with that question would gain a different answer of no I would not. Even remotely would I recommend this. I would add that there is plenty of humour in there. With visual gags, crude jokes and horror movie jokes in there as well. I am not that protective of Christmas that this annoyed me, but the fart jokes and stupid names can only go so far before they become the negative of something rather than the glowing amusement of the plot. Now the plot!! Here is an issue. It is so poor that it isn’t really worth having. This movie is clearly just an idea of some scenes that someone has tried to stitch together. In a poorly woven way if you start with the end in mind, you will get the as you know where you are heading. This movie feels like it started with the middle in mind and then tried to draw a line between someone thinking this would be a good idea to do and so is this. How can we get from here to there. Yes, they played things for laughs and it a certain way it does hit the target but in many others, you are left with a oh really that was weak. I am fully aware that cracker jokes are so bad that everyone gangs up on the cracker so unit people at Christmas. You cannot do that with a movie as people want to like it and you are entitled to not take yourself very seriously, but you do need a point or an angle. This movie says laugh at me, not with me but at me which is probably where it goes wrong.
This movie isn’t going to make your Christmas it might make your Hannukah mind you if dishing a different religion or tradition is your thing then you are going to love this film. For me if it's on and you have absolutely nothing else to do then watch it you might enjoy it but don’t go seeking this out as it will disappoint you.
Its so bad its probably not worth your time.
Krampus: The Christmas Devil (#33)
Second movie to review I should really introduce before I introduce for real. It is a movie that I thought was a movie I remember from years ago about a Christmas demon but not a strapping 6ft wrestler but an actual demon that attacks people on Christmas. I remember it coming down the chimney and it is doing all sorts of nasty things to the unsuspecting people. This is not that movie! This I was informed was a good movie and I thought OK lets buck the trends and watch a good Christmas Horror movie for a change. I’ve been informed that this started a whole series of movies in this franchise and having watched this movie once (which wasn’t entertaining enough to keep me awake) I am shocked and surprised that anyone decided to take on this challenge. But hey ho let’s get into the nitty gritty of this as I watch it again for a second time with a plan of staying awake throughout the whole thing.
The Poster
THE PLOT
The film begins in 1987 when all was black and white, I am sure there was colour back in those days but what do I know. With a kicking death metal band playing in the background, we are told of Krampus the Christmas Devil who has a list of Children who he has to kill before the stroke of midnight. We see him dragging a bag containing a small child to the lake he breaks the ice enough to throw him in. He does so and walks off back to his cave meanwhile Jeremy has escaped his bag and run off home. Krampus goes back to his lair and see the list is complete, satisfied he head off but magically the crossed off name of Jeremy Duffin uncrosses itself as we watch on.
Jeremy now all grown up wakes and is now a fully grown poor actor. Playing an FBI agent on the hunt of the annual mystery of children going missing just before Christmas. He drives to the office to have a competition of who can stink up the scene in the most wooden way when he meets the chief and explains that he thinks he knows what’s going on. He explains it something that happens all over the world despite the incidents only shown on a map of America-land. We all know that to Americans this is the world and there is no need to look any further. At the end of the conversation the captain points out that one of the criminals that Jeremy put away has just been released and made a promise to get him when released. So, the Captain tells him to watch his back and as Jeremy leaves the office he shouts –
“I want that fuck!”
Wow. We can see how Jeremy got the promotions after all. Before that fateful line El-Capitan tells J to round up a team and go and get the person who was responsible for his own abduction 10 years prior.
Cut to J in a bar. Wow I wish I could work those hours. Well 10 minutes and then hit the bar where he finds his team that he rounds up for the mission. The captain has allowed them to use whatever force necessary to get this guy. Its his life works and he explains it must be the same guy. Also, Brian the bad guy is released on a technicality We meet at 7am at the station. A crack team of three will take the scumbag down. J goes home and pours himself yet another drink, I think he may have a problem here.
Meanwhile Santa meets Krampus and gives him the list of naughty children with two a top priority. One sounds suspiciously like our hero’s daughter.
J is now onto his second glass, and he put a single bullet into another gun spins it and puts the trigger under his chin click blank he breaths a sigh and goes to sleep.
There is a warp in the space time continuum as three kids are playing a game and Sean tosses the game as he is losing. The Girl asks Sean to walk her home and he does but, on the way, back he is taken by Krampus. Its bright sunshine so I assume its morning? Which parent lets their kids go around someone’s house before 7am as the crack team hasn’t met yet?! Well Sean is in the bag and not getting home then the crack team meet outside in the car.
The crack team heavily armed and camouflaged in white with black hats and black or dark grey trousers are not easy to spot in the snowy fields and woodlands. Well, the black bullet proof vest is a bit of a giveaway. It does make you ask about the white coats. Oh the teams is J. Duffin our hero with B.Norris and Walker, who finds fresh blood on the snow which they follow. They spot Krampus and unload three separate magazines on him, but he just runs into the snow. Krampus arrives and strikes down J with some chain, hook weapon. Norris comes to his rescue, and he is knocked out as well. Meanwhile ?? is left on his own and Krampus is making his way to him. He punches him and knocks him to the ground before stomping on his face with his hoofed feet killing ?? in the snowy hillside. The two others wake in Krampus’ cave where there is a small ball in a cage, a naked woman tied to a stake. J stirs but Norris wakes up and Krampus tells him that he just made the list. Taking out a large knife stabs him to death. His rubber gloved hands have a grope of the girl then lifts J’s face saying he remembers his face and finds the list from 30 years ago seeing his name he decides to grope the girl again. Meanwhile J is awake and off a running. Santa arrives and unhypnotized the girl and tells her to put her fucking clothes on and run home now run. As she runs away, he shouts Merry Christmas. Santa then goes and shouts at the kid that is locked in the cage about him killing and torturing a small animal. He lets the kid go and tells him to run. Santa tells Krampus that he only has six hours to kill Heather Duffin who has done so much worse than this kid and priorities are needed to get there.
J (Jeremy) escapes back to Captain and explains that Walker and Norris are dead, and they unloaded on him, but he survived and killed his friends. The captain takes his badge and gun and tells him he needs to calm down. He showers gets in his car but is attacked by Krampus from the back seat. His hands look very rubbery as he attacks J, which is OK because it was just a daydream as he got behind the wheel. He goes to a bar where the staff know what he wants as soon as he walks in. The news is fully up to speed with the story of the murdered colleagues of Jeremy. His wife calls and is pissed that he hadn’t called her already.
The guys start to pick on J in the bar over four dead cops does that mean he did this before and continued to screw up by chasing this thing in the past? Either that or he just can’t count.
SPOILER ALERT
Back home. Brian and two goons arrive at his home capturing his wife and goon number two goes chasing his daughter. His daughter promises sex so the guy just lays on the ground, so she gets out a big knife and stabs him multiple times.
Meanwhile at the pub the gang and J are having a slow-motion fight in the bar. Which you can tell that they are doing the slow motion rather than special effects. If you can call that special effects. The boss turns up saves J beats up the other cops and sends J home. Where his family is being held hostage. Brian chases the daughter outside but when he finds her Krampus finds him. J finds him and shoots him to make sure. Goes in the house kills the last attacker, then gets knocked out by Krampus.
J wakes to find his wife dead and heather missing he stagger out of the house and falls to his knees as the police arrive. Meanwhile Heather is locked up in Krampus’ cave just like the woman from earlier.
Summary
What can I say about this movie, firstly this is NOT the movie I thought I was buying as I think that movie was two years later than this one. I think what this movie was - was a cheap rush when they heard the 2015 movie was being made lets make this one in a hurry. I thought I was buying the other movie and not this extremely low budget attempt at horror. Well, I believe this is an attempt at horror as it appears to be something of a vanity project, and a piss poor show of a horror movie. It is slow paced and yet rather than growing in tension is slows down. It was just a low budget movie and really nothing happens of note.
However, they could afford a model to take her top of for a scene. Why? It has no relevance to the story or make any sense for her to be there. With the only reason I can think of being that to temp people into watching the movie with the promise of nipples. Wow, I hear you say well it has little place for this movie and makes the movie worse not better. It just highlights what a shallow pool this movie is and is trying to swim with some big fish here.
It does a poor job of entertaining let alone holding the viewers attention. The villain of the piece Krampus just wanders around doing his thing slowly with little interest in any his missions from Santa. It has very rubbery hands, he looks suspiciously like someone wearing rubber gloves. He looks like someone who has been tasked with washing up rather than ridding the world of horrid children.
This is a poor movie in many different ways, it doesn't grip you it doesn't lean on Christmas much and doesn't offend anyone just follow this simple advice don't bother with this version of the Krampus story.
Its so bad its simple that Bad
All Through The House (#34)
Third Christmas comes from a small boxset of Christmas movies with two American attempts and a British movie sandwiched between them. This movie premiered on Halloween night in 2015 and was Produced by Stephen Readmond and Christopher Stanley. This wonderful delight it was directed by Todd Nunes and was written by some bloke called Todd Nunes starring the famous actress Ashley Mary Nunes. The wife of.. oh no I stand corrected as it the sister of the director Todd which may explain the revenge for some childhood prank as he uses this movie to put her in a stupid dress and lock her in a dog crate/cage. There were some other people in this movie as well, including Jessica Cameron, Jennifer Wenger, Lito Velasco, & Melynda Kiring. Made on a budget of 20 santa outfits, some baubles, sting and a bottle of tequila (translation is I have no idea) it went on to make twenty five pound, five shillings and fourpence (see previous brackets). OK I don’t have much more to say here except this is the first of the Christmas boxset lets see what this one is like.
As an American Slasher movie we could go through the tick list one after the other. It must have a random weapon killing people, it must have a shot of said weapon buried in the head of one of the victims, there must be plenty of jump scares, there must be topless women, they must be killed for being topless, any character having sex must die, killer must look scary. Were you ticking off the list of your favourite slasher movie?
OK I don’t have much more to say here except this is the first of the Christmas boxset lets see what this one is like. Shall I move onto the plot so I can tick these off as I go?
The Poster
THE PLOT
This one is a bit of a roller coaster. Well, no. No, it isn’t, at all I was just trying to give you some element of pretence and an air of mystery to this basic run of the mill slasher movie. As complex and in-depth plots with winding and route changing shocks along the way this isn’t one. It is however marketed as exactly what it is a slasher movie. Which means it is miles better than some other movies listed on these pages.
Shall we actually begin? The sad and shallow depths of invention is highlighted very early in this movie with a bare foot escape mental patient travels into town. In fact, it starts with some kids attempting to destroy some Christmas decorations out the front of a house. They do and the husk of a head scarier than the silver Santa mask they dislodged and scamper away. The silver mask is collected by out barefooted man. Who wears it for the remainder of the movie.
The decorations belong to a young family where little johnnie wakes with bleached blonde mum wearing a white t-shirt and dark bra. He gets up sees the Santa out the front with a silver face waves and promptly falls back asleep on the couch. Mum wakes up calls him a name and then goes for a shower. Leaving her pants (sorry America I mean panties) on she gets in the shower. Meanwhile outside Santa has found some garden shears.
A shadow approaches the shower curtain as the blonde showers, a hand reaches up to the curtain and pulls it back with a yank. It reveals the other half of the blonde girl who is very pleased to see her, and they arrange to get jiggy with it after her shower. She continues whilst he goes into the bedroom to attempt to wake up his own Mr Gingals. Whilst seeming to bash one out ready for the main performance. Our Santa imposter turns up flips the shears around, so they are facing down and with a single snip of the shears and a blooded penis hits the floor. The woman remains blissfully oblivious that her other half is not only a eunuch he is soon to be dead. This probably doesn’t matter as she joins him very soon after first getting the shears through her boob followed by him opening them to stab both eyes at the same time. Nice start Mr Director.
We join the director’s sister – whoops sorry I meant heroine of the story as she returns home to mum, but she bumps into a neighbour who not only asks for some help with decorating the house for Christmas but also offers to pay. She goes to see mum then heads over to the old(ish) lady to just say hello and wish her Merry Christmas and all that business. She says that she doesn’t have the time but promises to return.
Meanwhile ‘Santa’ has found another house where a woman wearing a bra and pants combo is wandering around. It would be rude to refuse such an offer and our masked anti-hero rocks in. Sneaking under the bed. She shouts to her ‘babe’ to see if they want to get frisky after their shower. No reply. ‘Santa’ starts stabbing up through the mattress until eventually she leaps from the bed, and he grabs her legs and drags her under the bed to be killed. ‘Babe’ in the shower is inface another woman (oh that’s modern!), she showers in pants as well (oh that is very Modern). She gets stabbed with the shears through the door which is a good excuse to show her boobs off.
Meanwhile another couple is trying something kinky fun as the guy gets tied to the bed. The girl goes off to the kitchen when ‘our’ Santa appears and put the shears up under her chin with such force that the tip of the shears pokes out off the top of her head. Returning to the bedroom the naked man assumes his sexy Santa has returned in a full costume. Shouting the safe word doesn’t seem to stop him and the shears are used to remove the second penis from this movie. Somehow this one also hits the floor. How is that possible that is not for the audience to ask just to enjoy the pain showing on this man’s face.
Elsewhere in another movie the girl has met her two other friends in town who have set up a surprise for our final girl. Whoops do you think I worked that out too early? Never mind, the surprise they have for the girl is a boy that used to fancy her back in high school who asked the other two to reintroduce him. She simply isn’t impressed and the girls head over to the neighbour’s house. Where the mad old women invite’s them in to decorate an ALREADY DECORATED HOUSE!!!
Now the real story begins as all things before were merely aperitifs the girls come together to reminisce about another girl called Jamie who vanished when she was five years old. She used to live in this house and neighbours of the final sister girl. The nutball neighbour has even put up a mannequin with a beautiful red dress for what her daughter could have been wearing today. One of the other girl has her eyes on it now, she puts it on, and the other two girls go about the house.
They find something that points suspicions on the final girl’s mum, so she calls her, and this just gets the attentions of the killer. He turns up at mum’s house and kills her in the most hysterical way throwing her and her wheelchair off a hill.
SPOILER ALERT
Both the friends are killed off by the masked killer in grewsome ways before the big reveal. OK are you sitting down as I will spoil the plot and honestly if you are tempted to watch this movie then please do not read the rest of this section, just jump to the summary where I will probably spoil this movie anyway.
OK to give this story some form of substance the girl that disappeared when she was five was called Jamie which turned out to be a boy. Now strap yourself in as the dad was in fact the man from next door hence the girl from next door being liked by the mad Christmas decorating woman. She slept with the man to have a girl but she was burdened with a boy. She tried to bring up the child as a girl but had to send him off to the funny farm when he refused. The girl next door “the sister of the director” is the girl that she wanted from the man that didn’t want her. Is this all clear?
The escaped mental patient is the mad boy that grew up to be a killer because he was brought up as a girl. He is back cutting of cocks of men and killing girls because he couldn’t be that – what his mother desired. They capture the final girl and force her into a blue dress like the one he used to wear and capture the boy that wanted to love the girl in the blue dress. She gets shoved into a dog crate with the man tied to a table. The would-be boyfriend is killed and mental mum teams up with escaped mental boy to go after the final girl in the blue dress. As the boy goes after the girl with his back turned mum turns heel (wrestling term for those that don’t know and have to look it up) and stabs the boy in the back. She has the girl so doesn’t need the boy anymore. She escapes killed the mad woman and rescues the boy leaving the two of them to leave the house together. Ow how sweet.
I hope that makes sense if not it really doesn’t matter just read the summary.
Summary
I will be honest with you I watched this movie first, as in straight after Krampus and I really didn’t enjoy it first time out. I then watched the second movie from the boxset namely Silent Night, Bloody Night: The Homecoming which was so bad that I fell asleep multiple times whilst trying to watch it. I then returned to this and somehow miraculously this wasn’t as bad as I remember it.
Does that make it a good movie? Well, no probably not but it does have some redeeming features. The difference between this and so many other movies I’ve reviewed is that the marketing hasn’t tucked this one up. It does exactly what it says on the tin. You want some jump scares followed by random killing in a slasher movie. Again, you don’t even mind the fact that the first half dozen murders add absolutely nothing to the plot. The story does eventually kick in boy is it a dull tried and boring tested story which I believe at least three other movies have attempted to follow. It doesn’t pop for me it seemed fairly obvious that the nutjob (as I affectionately call her) affected the story any basically turned a normal run of the mill person into a mental patient. However why doesn’t this individual have a complex which makes them feel ill will toward themselves. Yes, I can understand why someone would be angry with the world which is why Silent Night Deadly Night seems to work. But someone rejected by their parents for being the wrong sex would probably look to appease the parent by cutting off their own thingy or at least would be self degrading to the point of self harm or something like that. If there would be some external aggression it would be toward the parent that started the whole thing in the first place. Not continue to follow instructions such as kill random people around the neighbourhood for apparently no reason.
I do like the fact that just a random chance gives the killer his weapon of choice the shears. Also the random Santa suit that was available. The randomness does raise one thing that does have me confused and unsure about this movie. This could have been set at any point during the year. If there was a Valentine mask he could be wearing or a Easter Bunny suit then this whole movie could be very different. I am not entirely sure that this would of worked or even been as successful as this movie wasn’t. It did get itself on this boxset to say the least. As I type I have not seen the other movie from the set so it this could be the one movie that holds the other two up or it could be the middle ground for an epic but either way this is not a bad BAD movie it is just a run of the mill low budget slasher movie which someone decided to set it at Christmas time. Why? Well I guess the answer to that is another question… Why not?
Its so bad its simple that Bad
Silent Night, Bloody Night: The Homecoming (#35)
The fourth movie in this list is a British movie well it certainly appears to be British with the accents and the acting certainly appears to be wooden enough to be British. They have the solid Oak quality of the story which brings a certain air to proceedings.
Silent Night, Bloody Night: The Homecoming is a 2013 movie which is a reboot (maybe) of the American movie from 1970’s this one is directed by James Plumb and produced by Andrew Jones, and I haven’t heard of either of those. Music by James Morrisey and starring the voice of Adrienne King along with the actual actors of Alan Humphreys, Mel Stevens, Sabrina Dickens, and Philip Harvey.
THE PLOT
Diving straight into the plot as it was one that I honestly struggled to keep up with as there was supposed to be a mystery somewhere along the line and a reason for the murders going on and I honestly watched this movie twice and I am still not exactly sure what the twist was. Maybe I should go back and watch the original American version to actually make out what is going on. We begin back on Christmas Eve – 1987 at the Butler House. A white van with current rubbed out pulls into the driveway of the house. A man gets out and a fire burning figure plunges out of a window and lands in front of him whilst a grey-haired figure continues to play silent night on a piano next to the ground floor window with the flames just appearing in the window as the white van makes its escape rather than helping the poor burning person. Soon to be corpse as they lay helpless on the floor. The question is here why didn’t they call for help? Why did they run away? Why would they be working on Christmas Eve? Who is the mystery person playing the movies theme tune on a piano? Why am I watching this movie for a fourth time? Where is this movie going to take me now?
This all fades away to the title screen and drops of blood showing images of Christmas’s past and random people (who never appear in the plot anyway). The music is eerie, and sets promises that this movie cannot keep. We then have a voiceover telling us that the body was of Mr Wilfred Butler who accidently killed himself with fire on Christmas Eve and no further enquiry will be conducted. In his will Wilfred has left his house to his only son Jeffrey who has been one task to inherit the house. To keep the house exactly as it is a reminder of the horror and depravity of the world we live in today.
This is the woman advertised as appearing in this movie. Well I didn't see her!
Cut to the 23rd of December 2012 at the Robinson, Institute for Mental Health. Where we join a security guard in a corridor with a table and a phone watching Night of the Living Dead and yes, we would all prefer to watching that movie rather than this one. He tosses an empty can of beer over his head and straight into the bin. His phone rings and although he has two hours left of his shift he polishes off another can of beer and throws his empty can over his head into where the bin was. Where has it gone? It has been knocked over by the mental patient creeping up behind him in the long corridor. How didn’t he hear him? Why is there a desk and a phone five foot from a double door in a corridor? Why does a security guard have his back to all potential patient escapes? All these questions don’t get answered in the remaining of this movie. Oh yes sorry a mental patient raps a plastic bag over his head, and he wets himself and dies. Not seen 'Terrifier' then just put your finger through the plastic and walk away unharmed rather than dead in a puddle of your own piss! Merry Christmas!
Why do all mental patients just attack and kill people? Why do they wander around staring into the nothingness. Knowing people with mental health issues I know none like this. Yet this movie has us believe they are all like the characters from Night of the Living Dead.
We join a random man dressed as Santa driving his car when he see’s what looks like a baby seat on the side of the road. He stops and finds what looks like a rotting kebab in the seat and vomits the whitest puke I’ve ever seen. One of the mental's grabs him and shuts his head in the car door multiple times before climbing into the front seat and driving off.
Its now a day later at the Butler House and we see the same engineer chap from 1987 cleaning up around the outside of the building. When a lawyer arrives in a Mercedes, he meets the now caretaker outside who takes a wodge of cash to make up one of the rooms with a bed for him. The lawyer says he is representing Jeffrey Butler and the caretake assumes that he is about to sell the place and tells the lawyer that there would be loads of people keen to buy the place.
Cutting to another movie we join a random lady driving a blue Citroen when the radio tells her about the breakout at the Robinson Mental Health facility for mental killers kept behind the security system of a drunk man sat with his back to the patients in a corridor without any security buzzers. Apparently, everyone has been rounded up except for a single patient who apparently is still at large. The driver sees a car with a puncture on the side of the road and she drives past him. He is annoyed and throws the nut tool in the hedge showing his annoyance.
We now meet three grumpy faced people in a room with green blinds in it. The Lawyer for Jeffrey Butler walks in and says sorry to bring everyone here on Christmas Eve, but his client is ready to sell the Butler Property but with the following conditions. He wants £250,000 in cash within 24 hours otherwise no deal. It is Christmas Eve mind you but the three seem determined to get the cash on time and own the house. Why are they so keen? Well, simple really, they want to tear it down as that house is nothing but trouble. The lawyer will be back tomorrow at noon.
Meanwhile at the house a young couple have just broken in to have a place to shag. They get down to it and whilst she goes off to shower. Left alone the young lad gets strangled by fairy tree lights which apparently make your ears bleed. Why does strangulation make you bleed? The masked man wanders down the corridor to not kill the girl in the shower he waits for her to return find her dead boyfriend he then crushes her face with a chair.
The lady from the car works at the local newspaper and the lady from the grumpy three arrives after she takes a phone call. The phone call says MaryAnne is at the house ready for when Jeffrey arrives.
Meanwhile back at the house the lawyer and his girlfriend and having dinner and discussing the house and the deal. They head off to bed to shag (as you do in movies). Whilst in mid-competition a stranger walks up behind them with an axe which he buries in the lawyers back and then finishes off his girlfriend.
We then join grumpy man number three who is driving around as a police officer. He takes a call from the mystery voice that called the lady earlier. Then that same voice phones the other grumpy lady from earlier who works at the newspaper. No one can work out what is being said. She phones around and gets through to no one.
Meanwhile the killer is digging a hole when the police officer arrives to investigate. The grave of Wilfred Butler is dug up. He arrives and is beaten and drops into the fresh grave and then gets hit in the face with a shovel cutting his face in two. The newspaper woman arrives at the house. She is captured and tied to a chair. Her throat is slit and that is two of the three grumpy one down and one to go.
Jeffrey Butler the guy with the flat tyre arrives at the lady from the newspaper’s office home. He doesn’t appear to recognise her driving past earlier. She heard he was in a mental institution. Yes, he was either that or jail. Yes, he was on a timeshare at both places. She explains that he had a reputation back when she was in school. She offers to drive him to the butler house. She tells him that someone called for him at her office today. “Who?” He asks “Maryanne” she replies. “That was my mother’s name” well it must have been her then. No, she died in childbirth with me. She apologies and they leave. They make small talk in the car, and she says they can look everything up when at work, so they head that way. They discover that Jeff’s mum was 13-year-old and was in the mental home and now Jeff was angry he was lied to and told his mum died in childbirth and now he demands she takes him to the Butler house.
At the house Jeffrey finds his grandad’s journal, hidden on a table in the middle of one of the rooms along with a revolver. Jeffery reads about his mum and his grandma committing suicide. She was jealous of her own daughter and killed herself. Her daughter discovered the body and devastated the girl and in 1981 they turned the house into a mental asylum and a home for his daughter. He planned that night to do it, he had made love with his own daughter and salvations was the key. Jeffrey was born and sent off for adoption. Ultimately at the staff Christmas party he made his decision. He wanted to set his daughter free and with it all the other inmates at the asylum. As soon as they were free, they attacked the doctors killing them and drinking their blood. He was knocked out and when he woke the inmates had fled and he found his daughter in the garden, and they had killed her. He was put in a mental hospital himself where he planned his revenge on everyone.
SPOILER ALERT
Armed with knowledge Jeffrey takes the gun (which looks very plastic) and tells his journalist friend Diane about what his father was up to. Meanwhile the final third member of the house buying committee the mayor and Diane’s father is sneaking up behind them with a double-barrelled shotgun. He enters the room and Jeffery points the gun at the mayor and shoots. As he collapses on the floor, he fires his gun and Jeffery’s guts fall onto the floor. Meanwhile the real killer is walking up the corridor. In bandaged mask and gas mask. Calling Diane, Maryanne she keeps pleading with him that she is not his daughter. He still wields the axe, and she is off and running. Finding the dead woman in the kitchen she struggles to get of the window before escaping the killer’s clutches and running out towards the road. The killer slowly walks after her as she runs. (I don’t know how the killers keep up I really don’t know!)
Daybreak and despite it being Christmas it’s a bright and sunny day just moments after the sunrise. She runs out into the road just as a van slows down and out gets the janitor of Butler House. Well – what-a, mistak-a to make-a. He takes her straight to the Butler House and when she says to stop, he slams on the breaks, and she hits her head on the dashboard and he punches her till she blacks out.
Waking on Christmas day to the sounds of a crappy piano, sat at a dinning table. A dead Jeffery is on another chair with a party hate on. Plastic plates, knives and forks surround the plates. The Janitor comes in and punches her another time. The Janitor force feeds him his own bits. Mr Butler walks in with his massive axe. Bandaged head and gasmask distorting his voice he calls her Maryanne again and she says to stop before she hatches a plan. She calls him daddy and says its me Maryanne and said she was pretending because she felt so scared. He comes to her and removes the mask which was a gasmask and bandage combined it comes off in one. Low and behold he is fine under there after all. The Janitor shouts not to believe her and she tells daddy that the Janitor punched her, so Mr Butler turns on him. They fight whilst Diane cuts her wrists on both sides of the hand cuffs to be able to slip them over her hand. Physics not applying here obviously. She grabs the axe and after Mr Butler kills the Janitor, she kills Butler with the axe and leaves the house and drives away in her little blue car. YEAH, for final girl she wins again.
Summary
My daughter walked in and said what are you watching and I said this movie and she said how is it and I answered by saying I have run out of other words to use instead of shit. So I will just run with shit. This is an awful movie. Stuck with sticky back plastic to Christmas in what I believe to be an attempt to hang itself on some kind of peg to be able to make it marketable. To whom I have no idea. This is awful from beginning to end, I know I am desperately looking for a nugget in the rough but this is not it.
Honestly, I have watched this movie five times. FIVE TIMES!!! Why? I hear you ask before on three separate occasions I fell asleep as this completely un-gripping story left me ungripped enough to fail to keep hold of consciousness long enough to see it through to the end. I have watched it through twice to be able to write this review and I have to admit that it was a real struggle to muster up the strength to put the DVD back in the slot and force myself to hit play again.
The acting is predominantly wooden with the exception of Jeff who gets killed after about five minutes of screen time. The gore is like a sixth form college effort for passing a GCSE’s in film studies. The fact that this movie was granted a sequel is actually completely beyond me. And get this the sequel is padded out with multiple flashbacks of this original movie scares the life out of me as there are people out there that have paid good money for this.
If I am completely honest I got a three movie Christmas horror special edition and this was the British sandwich and when I put this on I thought this will teach the yanks how to make low budget movies great with a good story not reliant on poor special effects. I got that wrong. The special effects are as good as the acting the plot is too complicated for the talents of the people trying to relay it to the audience who like me was already asleep.
They advertised this movie as having one of the main actors from Friday the 13th in this movie. She does in that she is the strange voice that appears on the phone. Oh so she didn’t need to fly over to appear she could just record it on the phone and boom jobs a good’un the kids will love it. Well I am not a kid and it didn’t wash with me.
My last paragraph on this shit show is please save the number of hours that I put into this movie and go do something less boring instead. I have some paint that I’ll be happy for you to come around and watch dry.
Its so bad its Awful
Red Christmas (#36)
This is the final movie I have watched as part of this Christmas spectacular and honestly as I type I have not watched Red Christmas yet. I may ruin it slightly as I do some research before watching (I don't usually do it that way around). The first thing I realised is that is not actually an American movie as previously mentioned in other reviews this is an Australian horror related to Christmas. They do celebrate Christmas down under despite it being the height of summer. I am not sure the tradition of roast dinner will be that popular to be honest. Maybe a BBQ would be the order of the day. In terms of the movie I know nothing about it.
I will mentioned the name Craig Anderson right now as I assume this movie really is his baby as it was written by Craig. When he couldn't sell the movie he decided to Produce it himself with the assistance of the other fellow producers Belinda King, Bryan Moses, and Dee Wallace. Dee being the only member of that pack that I had heard of before. When it came to directing duties the producers got together and decided to give it to some chap called Craig Anderson. The movie stars the acting talents of Dee Wallace, Geoff Morrell, and David Collins. Sorry the last two names there I haven't heard of before. Geoff is an established actor and has performed in many movies. David is probably more famous for his comedy rather than his acting with him being half of the The Umbilical Brothers who are famous in Australia for their physical comedy so that may explain what to expect from this movie before heading to the DVD player.
The Poster
Seeing as I have nothing else to add I think its time to move onto the plot. I may even write it as I watch it. Lets just see shall we.
THE PLOT
The movie begins with a protest and Christians complaining that 2 million people are killed via abortion every year. [Yet the Christians didn't care so much when they went off on killing spree's when spreading god’s word]. We hear lots of people talking about the sins of what they do and then just aborting. We go into an abortion clinic and in toxic waste yellow bucket we see a fully formed hand lifting out covered in red and proving that a baby can survive such a process. [Not helping me get over that this movie is just a political statement]. This termination must have been late, so the doctor collects the child from the bin and wrapped in a blanket saves him. We jump to a dark hooded and cloaked figure bowed and praying to a large cross.
Then a title card saying 20 years later, and Dee Wallace is preparing Christmas dinner, with her down syndromed son helps her. A pregnant woman and her man walk downstairs they meet an aboriginal looking girl who is offended by the Down Syndrome Jerry saying that she was his favourite adopted sister. They have plenty of food as Jo an older man points out that 'they are here' as a woman in a suite and priest arrive. So that should be all the characters right. Eight in total.
The family have come together for one last Christmas in the family home before mum sells the house to travel around Europe. This has annoyed some of the daughters and they argue about it. The priest gets caught watching Ginny & Scott shagging. Meanwhile mum offers Suzy extra money to her as she is going through fertility treatment.
In another movie a black cloaked figure walks onto a farmer land looking for his mother and because he is ugly the farmer abuses him pushing him over, he pisses on him. The man gets angry and stands up. We later see the farmer with his face shredded and the cloaked figure walking away.
The family come together for presents when there is a knock at the door. The cloaked figure is there looking for his mother, he is invited in. Jerry offers to take Cletus’ cloak, but he refuses and sits with the bandages around his deformed head. Cletus pulls out a letter and they wrap up some nuts as a present for him. Eventually he gets to read his letter where he talks about his father killing so many children and the address. Mum realises he is talking about the abortion clinic and shouts at him, and they throw him out with Diane throwing the glass jar on his head as he leaves. He wanders around the surrounding woods. The family argue about some pro-lifer turning up to scare people on Christmas day and they should have blown his head off.
Diane had an abortion twenty years ago that she told her children was a miscarriage, but could it be? No obviously not. It is all forgotten, and they go on to enjoy the remaining of the Christmas day merriment. While Cletus gets his wild up in the woods. Can you tell where this is going yet. The family watch the sunsets on Christmas day then the shit hits the fan.
Starting with Hope getting an axe to the head which splits her clean in half. A single blow and all the way through. Clearly Cletus is made of muscles only and Hope is made of papier-mâché. The remaining seven come out and find Hope’s body just as Cletus cuts the power to the house. Everyone is in panic mode, Joe phones for help whilst the girl’s panic.
Scott is next but the axe only goes halfway through his head seeing the remains the girls head outside while Joe hunts the bedrooms with a gun. They head out to the garage as Cletus goes back into hiding. Joe goes for the car, and they all run out after the car. Too late Cletus was in the back seat and now Joe’s dead. Out of control the car runs over Peter. He is ok so they all head back inside to deliver the baby. Diane finds a necklace which proves that Cletus is her baby, and she bursts into tears to Peter. Peter tells her she has to stop Cletus. Ginny is having her baby whilst Diane is trying to deal with Cletus. Cletus is outside with an axe when the police arrive and Cletus hits him with a bear trap.
SPOILER ALERT
Cletus grabs Peter by the ankles and drags him into the kitchen for Peter's death via blender. Jerry grabs the guns but then hears Peter praying about him being downs and Diane trying to abort him. So, Jerry goes to Diane and gives her the gun to kill him as well. She refuses and Jerry goes to Cletus who stands in front of him and pulls off his Santa hat whilst Cletus removes his cloak. Diane comes in with the gun but cannot find them. Jerry jumps out and thinking it was Cletus, Diane shoots him dead in error. In a rage Diane runs after Cletus seeing his very rubber face. She hits him with an anker, and he gives chase with an axe. Ginny’s baby is born and then Suzy is killed with an umbrella. Diane is strangled and Cletus goes after Ginny and the crying baby. He gets the baby when Diane runs in stabs him with the anker leaps out the window hanging herself and dragging Cletus out to his death.
Summary
I cannot call this a bad movie as horror movies goes it ticks all the boxes it has a bit of gore and a story that backs up the reason for the gore, a star name (well kind of) but there was something about this movie that made me not want to like it. It just felt like a political message dressed up as a movie. This could of been straight out of the Republican playbook. This was a pro-life advert for the anti-abortion league. I am now thinking that I have misread the signs and signals as this is supposed to be a Christmas movie. So why the name Red Christmas. Is that supposed to be blood related. Or is that a political statement as well. If this is the case then I can see exactly what turned me off of this movie and if you are a republican and aggressively push the pro-life agenda can I remind you that immigrant are humans as well. Try defending them in the same breathe. Anyway I will now go back a re-watch the movie to see if I have this perception wrong. Next Paragraph will be post watching.
No my opinion hasn't changed it is a political comment about abortion and downs syndrome and to a certain degree as I do agree. Mainly due to the chap playing Jerry was probably the best actor in this movie. This is not a good movie although there are some good elements to it. The acting isn't one of them, the special effects deserves a nod and some of the kills are quite inventive.
OK circling back, there is some discrepancies in there as a man that can cut a woman clean in half with an axe can only bury it into a man's skull. The rubber faced man is quite poor and clearly a rubber faced mask. What the hell happens at the end. Where does Ginny go? Why is the baby there but not Ginny? It just isn’t very clear where the mannequin of Dee Wallace when she gets hung is very clear.
This is a very poor movie but given the group that it finds itself in probable means I’ve given it better slack than some other movies ultimately, I didn’t like the story, I didn’t like the politics, I didn’t rate the acting that much, it has little to do with Christmas with the exception of why the family have come together. They could have done the story as they have announced they are selling the home and have come together to say goodbye to the family home which when advertised means Cletus sees the advert and knows where to go. Then Christmas isn’t needed for this movie at all. There is no reason for it to be at Christmas and whilst on my high horse I am trying to rise about the obvious point of Cletus and foetus are so similar sounding. I am (although the movie isn’t) better than that.
As movies go you can easily miss this and not know read or have any knowledge of this movie and live happily ever after. If you want to watch a good Christmas horror/slasher movie scroll to the bottom of this page and read away. As for this one it is wrong on many different reasons and doesn’t cut it as a Christmas movie, slasher movie, horror movie, or a comedy movie. It just doesn’t cut it at all really.
Its so bad its simple that Bad
Silent Night, Deadly Night (#37)
We conclude this exciting adventure with another horror movie which would be probably better described as a psychological slasher movie born out of the mid-eighties’ era of slasher movies and one that actually turned a profit. Released in 1984 and made on a budget of $750k this made $1.4m on the opening weekend at the US box office. It has garnished quite a cult following and I for one can see why. Directed by Charles E Sellier Junior it stars Robert Brian Wilson, Lilyan Chauvin, Gilmer McCormick, Toni Nero, Linnea Quigley, Britt Leach, and Leo Geter. When released it out shone A Nightmare on Elm Street at the box office the difference being that Elm Street went on to grow to bigger and better things whilst this move topped out at $2.4m from the box office. Released by Tri-Star Pictures this was written by Paul Caimi with the screenplay provided by Michael Hickey and produced by Ira Richard Barmak, Scott J Schneid and Dennis Whitehead.
This is yet another story of Santa Claus going nuts and killing loads of people in a town somewhere. Where certain other movies play it straight for comedy there is a real serious side to this with some comedy elements added in there. This movie is not out to besmirch Santa’s good name, that was left to the marketing bods to do that by advertising in a children watching hotspot which terrified most of them and rightly so as this movie is not intended for the younger eyes. I will go through the details in the summary rather than giving my opinion away too early in the piece and just move swiftly onto the detailed plot.
The Poster
THE PLOT
The story begins with a back story of the main characters. When a young boy and his babe in arms younger brother are on a road trip on Christmas Eve to visit grandpa in an old folk’s home. Grandpa doesn’t speak the family leave the boy with the old comatose man. Then he springs to life and tells the boy he should be scared of Santa as if he hasn’t been a good boy Santa will punish him rather than bringing presents. Now terrified the boy doesn’t even want to see Santa let alone let him in their house. Keep him away.
Meanwhile in a different movie a man dressed in a Santa outfit holds up a convenience store. Killing the owner with a gun. He escapes into the night and pretends to break down to wait for unsuspecting good Samaritans to rob them as well.
Well, the boy is fast asleep in the car when his parents spot a Santa next to a broken down car. Guess who this is? Ma & Pa spot the gun and try to run but evil Santa shoots dad dead who then crashes the car. Dragging mum out of the car he slits her throat whilst the boy has done a runner and is hiding in the bushes watching the whole thing unfold.
Not knowing what PTSD was back then the orphans are sent to Saint Mary’s Home for Orphaned Children. Run by mother superior a Nun with one of the strictly run orphanage going with corporal punishment for infraction. He draws pictures of Santa being stabbed which gets him in more trouble and when forced to sit on Santa’s knee he punches the jolly fat man out. Leaving the blood-stained man on the floor. He is whipped for that one and when nightmares drive him from his bed, he is tied to it to sleep. This just makes him worse.
Billy now 18...
We skip another ten years or so and young Billy Chapman is now a strapping eighteen-year-old and a kind nun at the orphanage that can see the trauma he has been through still inside him helps him become part of society by getting him a job in a toy shop. [Queue the eighties style montage of happy music and Billy helping kids and adjusting catalogues and straightening board games on the shelf]. Which also includes shots of his boss nodding approval over what he is doing. That is until the day that the store Santa gets injured and sent into hospital to recover. The only person deemed available for the job is our Billy who looks the part. Although he terrifies the kids with threats of punishment, but the parents seem to approve as they stop crying after he whispers in there ear they all behave perfectly.
His work colleagues include a nob leader of the warehouse where he works.
The beautiful assistant that seems to be flirting with young Billy and he watches he longingly. His boss and another similar aged woman in the store. There are few others, but the spotlight is never on them. After the work is done on Christmas Eve, they close the store and break out the booze. Its time to celebrate. The warehouse boss takes his flirty girl out the back and attempts to rape her. Our Billy catches him in the act and rather than break things up he hangs him with coloured fairy light. Killing him on the spot, rather than being pleased the girl screams at Billy which basically pushes him over the edge. Killing her he turns his attention to the last two remaining colleagues in the building. Killing both before leaving the shop and heading into town.
The random killings begin with some hilarious scenes which were probably intended to be scary, but I really couldn’t help laughing. When the boys on the sledge go plunging down the mountain side and the first one reaches the bottom, and his bully of a mate doesn’t make it because Santa has jumped out from a bush with an axe meaning the rest of the sleigh ride is with a headless driver. Which is one of the funniest things I have seen in ages. He breaks into a house to kill a mating couple (they do this a lot in 80’s horror movies). Meanwhile the nice nun had arrived at the shop to find the bodies and informs the police.
SPOILER ALERT
The police are on the chase meanwhile the Killer Santa is off on a spree around town. The nun has worked out that this particular Santa Claus is probably heading for the orphanage to dish out some ‘punish’ ment on a mother superior who probably deserves it. The police arrive looking for a man in a Santa outfit they spot one just yards from the Orphanage playing with the kids and yell for him to stop but he doesn’t stop so they unload their weapons on him. It is only later that they work out that the volunteer who dressed up as Santa for the orphanage is in fact deaf and wouldn’t have heard the shouts. Whoops they got the wrong man.
The sun has rose on Christmas day and the suspense of a mystery man turning up at any time has many people on edge. Eventual Father Billy Christmas arrives wielding a fire axe ready to finish off mother superior when the police arrive and blast him into next Christmas the end.
Summary
This is one of the strangest movies I think of when it comes to my own feelings as this is one where I am confused as to how I feel. Nasty evil killer man now has a back story and one that makes you feel sorry for him. Yes, it’s very evil for you to kill people in strange and inventive ways I know this to be wrong and bad, but I can understand why you are doing what you are doing. You just want to put your arms around his shoulders and say come on son lets go grab a pint and talk this through. You have a poor concept of the world, and you need to understand a few things, lets talk this out and we can try and open you mind to the world. OK first things first put the massive fire axe down, and the Stanley knife oh and any other weapons you have hidden in that jolly red suit. Now leave that behind and let’s head down the pub for a chat to straighten things out.
That said this movie has its faults and is low budget, but I can forgive that due to its core which is not just a slasher movie it has decided to create a rationale for the killer to do his killing. There is a gem of an idea at the centre of this flick, and it leaves the view conflicted as to feeling sorry for the kid and wanting him to get blown away by the cops. Who all appear to be trainees of the Keystone Cop training school. Bursting in on a father with his kid on Christmas they are so far behind the chase that here we are 40 years later, and they have just arrived on the scene.
There is some humour in there well I thought it was funny and there were some equally very dark and horrible scenes that set up this young boy for the terrible and short life he had. It shows that this world isn’t nice to everyone and there is a real edgy side to this and if you dwell on it too long it could take you down some dark alleyways. If you breeze over this and just watch this as a slasher movie you shouldn’t be too disappointed with this 1984 effort. I heard rumours of a reboot coming in the near future there was a shitty reboot before and do not even bother about the second mish-mash pile of steaming manure. Leave this in the history books as the best ‘Christmas’ Horror movie that I can remember. There are some great non-Christmassy Xmas movies out there. Die Hard is a prime example which is a much better movie than this cheap trick, but I don’t class that as a horror movie. Inside the French extreme gorefest horror movie could be labelled as a Christmas Horror movie but that is just horrible in more than one meaning of the word. However, there is a cheap innocence of this movie that has been cobbled together with a storyline that sets up the comedy killing on reindeer antlers and sleigh ride beheadings that makes this movie enjoyable and one which I will probably return to each and every Christmas. Let’s grab some weapons and tools and head into town.
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