It's 2024!! It's Christmas, It's time to get festive with some bad horror movies. [Part 10)...
It is Christmas again and although I am not feeling very festive at all this year maybe watching some festive scary movies may cheer my mood...
It’s Christmas 2024 and it’s the third year where I dissect Christmas movies but this year just like last year I have no idea if I am going to like these movies or not. As I type I don’t even know which movies I am going to watch I have a couple in mind but we will have to see. Two years ago I watched more than four movies and Christmas was saved by the delight I found in Silent Night, Deadly Night. Which was positive, we followed that with the new limit of four movies for Christmas last year which may have added the disappointed Christmas movie selection as all four options last year flattered to deceive. There was Silent Night, Deadly Night 2, Christmas Bloody Christmas, Christmas Evil and Krampus and one or two may have scrapped to a 50% level of enjoyment. None of them saved Christmas, which is the hope this year we are in desperate need of finding the right level of horror and comedy to make the movie worth watching. I can live with just a comedy or more for this post just a straight horror would be fantastic as long as it’s a good one. Where should we start modern or old? I am going to go with old! Why I don’t know probably because that is the film I am watching.
We start Christmas 2024 with a journey back to Christmas 1972 with the classic movie Silent Night, Bloody Night. Now don’t get confused with Silent Night Deadly Night that saved Christmas two years ago as this is nothing to do with that movie. This is in fact linked to the movie that was reviewed in the same year and was bloody awful with a plot that just confused me and was so low budget British shit that not even I could put up with. Here is hoping I could keep up with the plot this time as the previous version from 2013 left me bored and uninterested in anything going on screen. OK wish me luck.
Silent Night, Bloody Night (#44)
A movie straight out of the drive-in movie era of 1972. This movie did the rounds of drive-in movies before vanishing off the planet until the birth of VHS movies where it returned to brew up a cult following. It was directed Theodore Gershuny who also wrote the screenplay along with Jeffrey Konvitz and Ira Teller. Starring Patrick O'Neal, James Patterson, Mary Woronov, and John Carradine. John being a classic and extremely famous actor who apparently was granted to the opportunity to be promised anything to take on the role so he said I’ll do it, but I won’t speak at all in the film and true to his word he doesn’t say a word during the movie. It cost less than $300,000 which was cheap budget to cope with and it shows with wobbly camera work and poor effects. There are lots of voice overs to cover the fact that they couldn’t afford the scenes themselves, so they just scare you with a voice talking. Should I get to the plot now.
The Poster
THE PLOT
The story begins with the death of the owner of a house who is burning merrily in the garden. A voiceover tells us that the man has died and asked that his house be left as it is but left to his grandson Jeffrey who we find twenty years later in a mental asylum. Cue someone escaping the mental asylum. We jump to a lawyer arriving to a meeting with four members of the social hierarchy of local matters. The lawyer is offering the house for $50,000 in cash by noon tomorrow. You have the chief of police, the Mayor, a leader of industry and a fat woman. Sorry I had lost interest when it had got to her. The business owner does not talk and just keeps hitting a bell just like that dude in Breaking Bad. Ding! Anyway, the lawyer says his piece and sods off with the promise to return at noon tomorrow to collect the cash. He then heads off to spend the night in the house.
He and the girl with him (he phones his wife whilst they are there together) he has a small, wrapped gift for the girl as well. She doesn’t get to unwrap it as someone breaks in and cuts them into pieces with an axe. Sorry I didn’t pre-warn you about that, they are dead and locked in the house.
Meanwhile at some point before all this you have witnessed a man with a flat tyre being ignored by a woman who drives past him. Later he breaks into a car and steals it and finds the house where she is wrapping present.
SPOILER ALERT
OK the spoiler here is I am going to explain the entire movie as I have watched this movie twice straight through and then watched the British remake and to be completely honest, I really haven’t got a clue what was going on. The story is so convoluted and needs so much voiceover to actually explain what the **** is going on that I am going to use this section to try and piece everything together and then write it down here.
Summary
OK I have watched this movie two or three times and watch a remake of it and I still don’t understand the plot. I know it’s a bad movie and that’s why I watched it but I can understand the twist but the rest of it doesn’t make sense. To me this is someone trying to write a murder mystery and bring in lots of potential murderers the issue is that it doesn’t make sense! I have tried and tried to get my head around this including reading over peoples review and you really cannot unpick what the f*** is going on. I am loathed to watch this dribble again so this is the best that I can do in a major spoiler. There is a man with lots of money that turns his mansion sized home into an mental asylum. He knocks up a girl that could well be his daughter who has a baby. He is then killed by escape inmates who kill him. The baby is a boy who ends up in another asylum which he eventually escapes from many years later. The boy escapes the asylum and travels back to the house and decides to sell it as soon as possible which locals want to buy to be able to knock it down as to save their shame. Unfortunately, the man isn’t dead but hiding in the house and is now killing the agent organising the sale of the house and this prompt him to kill those wishing to destroy the house. Why? I don’t know and honestly I don’t care.
Please don’t make me watch this again. This is one of the worst movies I have seen, it doesn’t grip me at all. Every movie has something about it that keeps you watching and coming back to it. This movie has absolutely nothing for me. It maybe a great one from a cult following point of view but I have really tried to give this movie the benefit and the time to win me over and it fails time and time again. To the point that I do not want to watch it again to write a proper review. I shant and suggest you do the same.
Its so bad its awful
It’s a Wonderful Knife (#45)
A movie straight from last Christmas and to be honest with you a movie I watched last Christmas, hence me saving the review until this Christmas just for you to review. It did have a theatrical release in the states which grossed $811k with a worldwide gross of $825k it was then picked up but the online horror streaming service Shudder where I watched it. Here’s some pictures.
There is a host of actors that you have probably heard or would recognise if you saw them. Here’s the list Jane Widdop, Jess McLeod, Joel McHale, Katharine Isabelle, William B. Davis and Justin Long. Directed by Tyler MacIntyre and nope I haven’t heard of him either. Written by Michael Kennedy who also produced along with Seth Caplan and Daniel Bekeman
THE PLOT
The plot basically is a spoof (can I call it that?) of the truly great movie of It’s a Wonderful Life. Set in Angel Falls David is celebrating Christmas with his family but is called away by a business call by CEO of Waters Industry namely Henry Waters. Henry is trying to convince Roger Evans to sign off his house so to be knocked down as Mr Waters wants to build a massive shopping mall. Herny and David cannot convince Roger to sell his house. He refuses and later that night he is murdered by ‘The Angel’ a new murderer for horror genre.
He then meets our heroine Winnie who is David’s daughter and her best friend Cara. The angel kills Cara and nearly kills Winnie’s brother. Winnie then kills the Angel and unmasks him shock horror its Henry Water. A year later and Winnie’s dad (David) is the CEO and Winnie is still sad about Cara whilst the rest of the family and town have moved on. She goes to her boyfriends house for a Christmas party where she discovers that her boyfriend has been cheating on her with her new best friend so get sad and wishes that she had never been born aha now you see it!
Then everything has reset as the son of Henry the sheriff doesn’t recognise her. She meets Henry (again) who is the town mayor, and her own family doesn’t remember her either. She learns that the Angel hasn’t been killed and is still alive and killing. She goes back to her non-boyfriend’s house party where she makes friends with Bernie who somehow believes her. She then sets about getting her father back on side to be able to kill Henry (The Angel) for a second time but the first in this world so she can go back to her own time.
SPOILER ALERT
You know what I am not going to spoil this one for you. If you want to watch a very poor horror movie that could actually entertain you for an hour and twenty-seven minutes. Then give this a watch it is in general an awful movie and there are so many things wrong with it but if you can get over that fact and are feeling silly or possibly drunk you might actually enjoy this movie.
Summary
For me I won’t be returning to this movie for a while more so because I won’t get access to this movie than a hatred of the movie. This is a silly movie it knows its silly and doesn’t take itself very seriously which would be ok but when it doesn’t take its own lore seriously then it ruins it for me. Sorry but if you cross from one world to another by not being born then you would remember it as its your mind. The world or universe itself resets they would not know anything of each other. Don’t make it happen because it makes things nicer. It wouldn’t happen its your rules and you are breaking them. That just pisses me off, enough for me to slate this morning and to tell you hand on heart it really ain’t worth your time unless you are drunk or stupid. There I said it.
Its so bad its... passible!
Black Christmas (#46)
Way back over half a century ago a move was released about a Christmas that wasn't as happy and pleasant starring Olivia Hussey, Keir Dullea, Margot Kidder, and John Saxon. Directed by New Orleans born Bob Clark (Ben Robert Clark to his friends) who sadly passed away in 2007, who also produced this movie. Screenplay by Roy Moore and cinematography by Ruislip's finest Reginald Herbert Morris. This was in fact a Canadian movie and not south of the border it had a release in its home nation on 11th October 1974 before its American release just before Christmas. A budget of nearly $700k it went on to make $4m worldwide. This was a slasher movie that was very much in the who done it category of movies. It was received with good and bad reviews back in the day so which side of that fence am I going to land. Shall we get to the plot then?
THE PLOT
The story revolves around a sorority building for girls that has a mix of female girl characters and the Housemother a kind hearted leader of the house who likes her liquor and hides it in books, toilet cistern and anywhere else she can get away with. Meanwhile, the girls are plagued by dirty phone calls telling whoever answers what they want to do with their lady parts with his male parts and finishing the call with the rather sinister sentence of I will kill you. During a call from the 'moaner' one of the girls goes upstairs to get away. Whilst upstairs she is asphyxiated by an intruder and her body is left upstairs.
The next day the father of this girl arrives to meet her but as a no show father starts searching for her. Finding the sorority and the housemother who takes him to other members of the sorority. That afternoon another phone call comes in whilst the girls plus dad goes to report the missing girl to the police, although they don't take them seriously. The following day Chris the missing girl's boyfriend goes to the police and demands they take action.
A search party is formed but the Housemother discovers her body in the attic still with the clear plastic over her face. This makes her the next and rather swiftly victim of the killer, who despatches her before she gets to tell anyone about it. With the phone calls continuing the main heroine decides to go and report the phone calls so the police arrive to tap the phone and trace the calls.
The police miss their first chance to nab the call whilst more bodies are piling up and I think you get the idea as boyfriends, incompetent police officers and other girls mix into the pot for the potential killer. I think its time to wind this up.
SPOILER ALERT
Again I am not going spoil this movie as its is a who-done-it and it appears poor form to do that so I shall not.
Summary
This is one movie that somewhere in my mixed up confused mind sticks together and twists in with another movie called 'When a Stranger Calls' which was surprisingly better than I remember it. This one on the other hand is one of the easiest who done its going. In that if cannot work out who the killer is then you haven't been watching very closely. The whole reason this movie has stood the test of time was because of all of the copies since this has come about that then makes this one better. OK let me explain - 'who done it's' can no longer be straight forward and logical. There has to be a twist and the bigger the twist the better the movie. This film can use this new variant but playing it straight as the twist isn't that much of a twist. There is another bonus twist to the main twist which must have inspired many a horror movie. The question I posed at the start of all this was a simple one do I like this movie or not?
Here is my long and convoluted answer to that rather short simple question. There is so many images and use of cameras and techniques that has established horror movies for years to come following this movie I can fully appreciate where it comes from the potential issue you could argue is it's a whodunit it's not horror movie. It's who do you think it might be people are a dying regularly which is a slasher movie in in and of itself the fact that the people remaining trying to work out who to the point where it's really obvious who the killer is but it was to me and you're waiting for that twist which comes from other movies and other movies that have copied this movie and put that twist in where this movie doesn't put that twist in I don't believe it's still works and that's the important thing I think so as I said it was long and convoluted but it works I think some of the visual treat you get from the camera work and imagery and what you see on screen is very clever for what would be considered a low budget movie there is gore to the to a point where you see blood it's not what I wear glasses go the first victim with the asphyxiation and is a haunting image but that's what you want from a horror movie there other people in certain situations later his iconic in certain ways that image that I've just put the picture above was an iconic scene and it and it kind of it's interspersed with children singing Christmas carols on the front door whilst behind the joyous scenes at the front door someone else is being murdered it's it lends itself to be a classic horror movie with that cutting between something so wholesome and then something so evil and it just cuts back and forth back and forth it's very clever I'm to answer the question yes I like the movie can I recommend it maybe because I know so many people out there that are into modern horror and the gore and the special effects and all the psychological twists and turns of a modern movie you're not going to get that in this movie it's very kind of one-dimensional and very clock driven it's remembered someone talking about Harry Potter and it bit you know having the plot points that you have to meet for the mystery to be set and then on failed this works in exactly the same way it's very dictatorial in terms of its got to set plot it this this happened this happened this happened but what does happen is realistic in terms of the characters do what you will expect them to do characters don't work outside of their frank personal characteristics does it work yes should you go and see it yes it's got the iconic scene of the phone calls are being made from inside the house OK that I should put spoiler alert ahead of that sorry I'll go back and put it in and it works I'm with the ultimate little twist at the end it kind of its clever and it works so as Christmas movies go and I've seen some horrendous ones when I watch this again once a year I could I could cope with it once a year I could cope mould not I could struggle but there we go we're here every year is it going to go on my Christmas list every year and make sure I watch it as part of my festive movie list probably not if I watch every year happy days if I don't I’m not going to meet I’m not going to lose any sleep over not watching it every Christmas the film is as old as I am and it shows!! It's greyer than I am I'm very grey but they go and enjoy it.
Its so bad its...worth your time at least once!
The Apology (#47)
I will start this one by just explaining how I discovered it, whilst trawling lists of Christmas horror movies last year that I found this 2022 movie that I discovered I think on Shudder. Which for those that don’t know is an online horror movie subscription service where horror movies go to die. So anyway, I stumbled on this film on Shudder, and I wanted to hate it from minute one and to be honest I got exactly what I was expecting. That of being a low budget low affects low self-esteem movie, starring Anna Gunn from Breaking Bad, Linus Roache from Law & Order and Batman Begins alongside Janeane Garofalo. Directed by Alison Locke. And boy! can you tell this is a movie directed by a woman. [Sorry for the sexist comment] too late, I’ve said it now so I can't take it back move on. This appears to be an extremely low budget movie, filmed in New York’s Soho and Greenwich Village with some aspects filmed in Toronto. In terms of finance, I have no idea what the budget was how successful it was on release and as far as I know it was only ever available on the Internet. This combined with the fact that I can no longer log onto Shudder explains how I stumbled on it in the first place and secondly why I haven't seen it again since last year, so this review has been a long time coming. Shall I just get to the plot.
The Poster
THE PLOT
This will be a slightly different plot write up, as I will not give spoilers and make it more of an advert than any other movie review on these pages. The plot follows Darlene Hagen a recovering alcoholic who is preparing for Christmas, I think the plan is to hold a family Christmas celebration including her best friend Gretchin who lives next door.
The reason she became an alcoholic was that 20 years ago her daughter mysteriously disappeared. She is still preparing when Jack arrives who is the brother-in-law who due to the daughter’s disappearance has become a lot more distant in recent years. However he arrives with what appears to be for honest reasons knowing he would be in the area so decided to bring presents. He was in the neighbourhood so popped in unannounced just for a hello, merry Christmas and give you some gifts etc etc
However, he has a secret to share and this entire movie revolves around these two characters catching up with the full story coming clean to each other and then having the fallout of the revelations of those secrets that they shared with each other. Meanwhile the weather outside has taken an turn for the worse and a heavy storm is blowing snow and causing lots of problems. Meaning that neither can leave, effectively leaving them stuck in their house together until they can either resolve or just come to terms with the conversation.
Summary
When I stumbled on this movie, I had no idea what to expect but with it being exclusive on Shudder and nowhere else, my expectation levels dropped to a very, extremely low level! To be completely honest I got pretty much got what I was expecting, early on in the film this looked a very low budget movie where nothing happens. Shock horror [please detect the sarcasm here] - nothing happens. What does happen is two people have conversations and dig through their own personal past which they are equally amazed and ashamed of, in equal measures. The ‘to and fro’ or thrust and counter thrust as it were, where obviously one has an apology hence the name of the film whilst the other one must either accept or reject that apology. What this movie did do was to draw me in and then I was waiting for it to collapse and become stupid, silly and ridiculous. I do not think that happened although there was a couple of times where I thought why would you do this or why would you say that but that is explained. What this movie did was keep it simple and used the low budget to simplify the act or violence and keep the story unfolding which worked to suck me in to the story until its conclusion 92 minutes later. For a movie that I thought was a Christmas movie there is not much Christmas in there. In terms of being set at Christmas, it's Christmas themed as there are presents included and there are various other ways you know it's Christmas in this movie. However, the storyline has truly little to do with Christmas as it has to do with just two people in the house having a conversation and coming to terms with the history of what they have both done.
Now remembering I saw this movie last year and you always seem to remember things better than they really are, it's not until you see that again and you can pick further holes in and I've been denied that because my shudder password/login hasn't worked for most of this year. I've just not seen it since and my memory has it pegged as a real positive film that I recollect as a good gritty, down to earth, not overly complex film, all about one of the two revealing a secret to the other and then having an expectation of what that secret would do to the other person and how their own story would conclude. The expectations of both are well within normal remits of how people would really react, so this is not a movie pushing the boundaries of realism. You don’t sit there going oh of course this character would do something stupid there, like duh. I have to say this movie does try to keep things real.
I jokingly said at the beginning that this had to have been directed by a woman joking apart this is a good film and would be recommended by me, and I am seriously disappointed that I can't watch it again this year. The feminine touch to the direction of this movie makes it work I think a ham-fisted male wouldn't have work in this movie very well and we try, and it would make it a very different type of a movie (i.e. bad)
This was one of my highlights from 2023's Christmas it was a great movie compared to the awful festive dribble usually offered to the public and I would never normally recommend it. However, this was a little tiny gem in a whole list of bad Christmas movies that I have seen in trying to round these movies up and put them in one place. This is a low key, small Jem of an hour and a half which could be seen as a bit too long, but it does need a bit of patience for you to get into the story. For me it's well worth your time and I'm a bit jealous of not being able to see it again just to see if my feelings have changed or would have changed with another viewing a year down the line has my taste changed as the film grade has the film lost its edge.
Would I recommend this film – yes, but it could change should I get to see it again, until then go give it a bash.
Its so bad its...worth a watch
I guess that means that Christmas has been saved again this year and unlike last year we can actually enjoy the festive spirit once again.
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