IT'S CHRISTMAS!! LET'S WATCH A BAD FILM? (Part 9)...
It is Christmas 2023 and its time to drag out the DVD player and find a great Xmas themed scary movie to watch (this is now Part 9).
Its that time of year again when I decide to roll out the Christmas movies and feel obliged to include some horror movies along with the happy joyous business. Which in turn means it will be the torturous venture into trawling through some bad movies to see if we can actually find a good one in there. With Christmas horror movies the mine seems from the outside to be very shallow which means finding a gem in the middle of them, should be all the more difficult to find. With the shocking good find of last year with Silent Night Deadly Night I believe the best place to start this is the sequel to this movie with Silent Night Deadly Night 2. OK let’s get cracking!
Silent Night, Deadly Night part 2 (#40)
Released back in 1987 on a shoestring budget of $250,000 this went on to make $100k less than that at the box office. Written and directed by Lee Harry and produced by Lawrence Appelbaum this movie starred Eric Freeman, James L Newman, Elizabeth Kaitan & Jean Miller.
The Poster
Which for a slasher movie it seems strange to me that there is a gun on the poster. Claiming that the nightmare is about to begin… Again. Well, is that for the characters or the audience that is sat through this? Let’s find out…
THE PLOT
Starting with the credits and the piano (attempt to be creepy music) we fade in on some shoes before panning up to a cigarette. Then up to the face of this movie’s protagonist Ricky Caldwell clearly in some kind of an institution. An orderly walks in carrying a recording device (massive and I mean massive) tape recorder. Eventually he is joined by another man in a suit with lots of tape reels who sets them up ready to record the conversation they are about to have. [Ok not the most exciting of starts]
The new man is Dr Bloom, and he is here to interview Ricky and offer him his last chance to get out of there. He is going to cure him and then release him back into society. Dr Bloom will ask questions and Ricky has to answer them. Oh yeah, they nearly forgot to mention they decided to start this on 24th December, so they quickly put up the date just for the audience. Then he asks Ricky who killed his parents? Santa Claus. Then we get to watch the start of the first movie all over again. [It’s last Christmas all over again!]. Literally the same thing, the only difference being his voiceover whilst you watch the first movie. It cuts back to the men exchanging more conversation before returning to the first film again. Back to the men and then more of the first movie. Eventually we cut to the point where his brother had grown up moved out whilst Ricky was still in the orphanage. So how does he know the details of what he got up to in this much detail? The audience asks but we don’t get an explanation. Just watch the first movie again and shut up! We get to the end of the first movie at the 39-minute mark. Wow, for a brief summary of the first movie this really takes the biscuit, with this much info of the past there must be another two hours to get through! Nope just 49 minutes so of an 88-minute movie the first half is taken up with the previous movie. [OK so you have already annoyed me, so the rest of this movie better be bloody good to turn this around!]
The tape reaches its end, and they talk about how the orphanage closed and Sister Mary finding him another family to live with the Rosenberg’s. So why is his surname not Rosenberg when his is Caldwell, yet Billy in the first film (his brother) is called Chapman. I am confused. But not confused enough to bother trying to work it out or look up on google why this is true. We get to a scene where the twelve-year-old is waiting for mum to finish a conversation with her friend as two nun’s walk towards him. He gets into a bit of a panic and all the memories that he didn’t see comes flooding back to him and reawakens. They go to a doctor who convinces them to keep trying with him and he makes it through until we get to see ‘an older version’ of Ricky at the graveside of his adopted dad and his adopted mum. He thought about running away but instead he would go for walks to help calm himself down. Then one day on one walk he finds a parked car and then sees a couple in the field close by. [Get ready boys, boobs are coming!!]. They are on the picnic blanket and drinking beers from a can and they both seem old enough to be married [with kids], teenage years are well behind them. Although they are acting like it. Eddie turns a bit rapey and attacks her, but she hits back and kicks his under clackers [you go girl!] so he goes back to the jeep for another beer. Ricky watching on realises that he needs to be punished. So, after Eddie grabs his beer, he starts the Jeep and runs him over. Then reverses back over him, then runs him over again, then reverses back over him again. [alright, alright he’s dead already] the woman (she is not a girl] walks over pulling her ripped shirt together sees the killer Ricky get out of the car, having just murdered her boyfriend and says the must logical thing ever. “thank you!” and then she walks away.
Cut back to the hospital he now has the doctor talking about his family. He tells another story about being eighteen and seeing two men fighting. Well, one beating the other. The winner has a red handkerchief. Now Ricky gets himself into a fight with the victor first he beats him up a bit then Ricky shoves an umbrella (from the bin) right through him and it opens on the other side. Cuts back to hospital.
The doctor then asks about Jennifer, but Ricky doesn’t want to talk about it. Doc gets out a picture and Ricky shares that Jennifer was the only thing that he ever cared about [see fuck you Rosenberg’s] One day they bumped into each other, well she hit him with the car and as he was laying on the floor she got out and laughed at him. Normally he would kill for this, but this needs to be ignored for the purposed of the story. Sorry continue… they started dating and ride around on the back of his motor bike that she knocked him off of. Eventually they do the dirty and Ricky has to punish himself, oh no sorry he takes her to the cinema, and they watch a horror movie. There is a shouty man at the back of the cinema annoying everyone. It seems a strange time, but she professes his love for him whilst the movie is on. You are not going to believe what movie they are watching? It’s a movie about someone who dresses up as Santa and kills people. Yes, it’s the first movie again. Yet more clips of the first movie. Ricky leaves and Chip Jennifer’s first boyfriend arrives and wants to rekindle her love. She isn’t interested [you can see where this is going].ai The shouty man is slagging off the movie so he is going to get it and he does. On the back row of the cinema and no one notices that he is being murdered by Ricky. He circles back around to return to Jennifer. Another day Ricky and Jennifer were walking down the street when they run into Chip repairing his mustang. The boys get into argument. Ricky forces a jump cable into his mouth and turns up the voltage. Killing him instantly and Jennifer is appalled and tells him off he has more flash backs to the first movie before snapping off the aerial to strangle her with it. There just so happens to be a police officer there to witness [and not do a fucking thing about it!] who tells Ricky to freeze arsehole. He doesn’t call for back up with a double homicide in front of him just walks over with the gun pointed at Ricky’s head. As he gets out the cuffs Ricky flips the gun and shoots him in the head. Now Ricky has a gun, it’s a case of next!!
He goes for a walk; a man walks out from his house shouts, so Ricky blows him away. Next. Another man taking his bins out, Boom. Next. A little girl on a tricycle, nope she’s safe. Next a man a car driving towards him it takes three shots to hit the radiator which for some reason causes the car to swerve go over a work site in the road turn over just missing Ricky and burst into a massive explosion. He walks on with an empty gun, six shots fired. Oopsie, he reaches a roadblock with two police cars but only two policemen. Pointing their guns and telling him to stop, he points his gun at his head and click [I was right] no bullets.
SPOILER ALERT
That’s how they caught him and put him in here, but in the middle of this part of the story Ricky has used the cassette tape to strangle the doctor. Now, he opens the door and just walks out killing people that shout look out he’s loose, as he leaves the building, kills a street Santa Claus, and takes his suit. [There is no logical reason for this] he makes a phone call just to say that Santa’s back. We cut to the mother superior the character from the first movie who has a damaged face well she is wearing a mask for some reason. We are told she has had a stroke but no reason why her face was deformed. Ricky has found her, and he is back to finish his brothers work and kill her. He chases her around the house before finally catching her and cutting off her head. He rearranges the body with the head back on which falls off when Sister Mary tries to wake her. Ricky leaps up to kill her with an axe but is blown away by the cops before he gets to use his massive weapon. For the second time Sister Mary is told that he is gone sister and that it’s over. Until Part 3 I assume. The end.
Summary
I watched the first movie because I was told it was awful but was pleasantly surprised this one however is as bad as I thought the first one would be. After seeing this movie twice, it is simply enough. The quote here is stick a fork in me as I am done, I really don’t want to watch this movie again. Watch the first one again as this is the best thing about this movie, which is damning praise indeed. I was told this was a comedy, but I struggled to see the funny side of how or why this was funny in anyway. If killing people in silly ways is amusing then I’ve missed the whole point as the kills are not funny, well they try at least I mean rolling backwards and forwards over a victim is amusing just for the girlfriend who witnessed it all to say thank you and walk off. Ok but if that one scene saves this pile of horse manure, then you are badly mistaken it is just bad. To the point where I really do not want to bother going back and watching it again to work out when the mother superior burnt her face as she had a stroke not shared a coffin with Regan from the exorcist. Looking at the plot and visual errors simply make this slap dash attempt at a sequel simply pathetic. You want your Christmas ruined then sit around the TV and watch this tripe on Christmas morning.
Its so bad its awful
Christmas Bloody Christmas (#41)
Well the first Christmas move began full of hope and then ultimately would completely ruin Christmas if that was all that was served up on the big day. Lets move on and see if the next one is any good and more importantly good enough to save Christmas.
With a title like Christmas Bloody Christmas I am not sure if I should feel hopeful or fearful of another Xmas dud rather than a cracker. Its only available on Shudder so who knows what to expect. Here goes starting with the cover art.
The Poster
This feels like a one-man horror movie as Directed by Joe Begos, Written by Joe Begos, Produced by Joe Begos and Josh Ethier, Cleaning by Joe Begos, Marketing by Joe Begos, Catering by Joe Begos, OK I will stop the jokes now. Made on a budget so mysterious I don't know what it was. It took quarter of a million dollars at the box office which to me doesn't sound much for a feature film. Released ahead of Christmas in 2022 this got mixed reviews and this one is no exception. It is your common or garden horror flix that happens to be set at Christmas time. With little spin except to thrust an axe into it doesn't take a genius to follow this story so let’s jump straight into it.
THE PLOT
This could be one of the shortest plots ever as there isn’t too much too it or I go into immense detail and probably go too far which will be boring for you. The real reason for the previous sentence is that there isn’t much of an in-depth story here. Its one of your basic horror movies set at Christmas. OK we join a guy and a girl in a record store Tori (the girl) is the owner of the store whilst Robbie is the employee.
There is some flirting going on, but it appears that he is getting nowhere. So, they move onto a bar. They meet up with other friends Jay and Lahna who work at a local toy shop where we learn that robotic Santa Clauses have been malfunctioning and returning to their previous setting when they were owned by the ministry of defence.
Beyond a single news report this is the only exposition you get as it all seems it just about a couple with sexual tension between the two main characters of them. Without ‘a room’ their friends head back to the toy shop to bump ugly whilst the two main characters head back to her place. Whilst Jay & Lahna are having some pleasures of the flesh the non-flesh robot Santa malfunctions and kills them both.
Elsewhere our heroes Tori & Robbie have eventually agreed to do the dirty whilst the killer Santa who has followed them home has decided to head next door and kill their neighbours. [Maybe I should invite him over here].
They have finished long enough for Tori to catch Santa killing off the final young members of the neighbour’s household.
In a panic Tori wakes her sister and her husband and tells Robbie about the killer Santa. They all try to escape but her sister and hubby are killed in the car, so Tori and Robbie try to escape in Robbie’s car.
SPOILER ALERT
Unable to escape Robbie is dragged from his car and killed leaving Tori to go one on one with the killer Robot. The robot does the terminator business of keep coming back after the audience thinks it’s dead even after the cops do the job of killing it as well. Tori returns to the record store for the final battle where she finally kills the robot off and goes out into the morn of a bright Christmas Day. The end
Summary
You know what this is not a bad movie and I have to say I was surprised by this. I stumbled onto this movie when looking for Christmas horror movies and there are some fundamental flaws here but not enough to throw it straight into the toilet. I am thinking whether to start with the good or the bad. Let’s go with the good then shall we. The conversation in this movie reminds me of the early Kevin Smith movies the banter between the two main characters. With Tori arguing that the best Christmas song is Lemmy's Run Run Rudolf. The teasing about the other partners is amusing and they do pull you into liking them. What I say about any movie is you want the characters to be believable and these are believable. The boozing and flirting are honest, and you could see it happening.
Special effects are fairly good although clearly low budget. This movie doesn't try to over-reach itself. Is it a Christmas movie? Well, technically yes but is it forced? Hmm thats a tough one as the villain in this one is a Christmas character, THE Christmas Character. In this movie he is an electronic robot designed but national defence. Which neatly moves me onto the flip side of this movie.
We get one brief television reporter telling us the whole reason why the robot Santa turns rogue and starts killing people. Randomly and indiscriminately. That’s it and then it just skips along with the murders and the killing. Which I guess is what the horror fans really want they aren’t interested in the fuddy duddy twinkly elements of Christmas they just want the killing to begin. If that’s the case, then you are going to enjoy this movie. Would this be much more successful if it weren’t set at Christmas. Again, not as this wasn’t that successful anyway.
The biggest issue I think about this movie is that it is a sensible Christmas movie when you hear Christmas and Horror you start to smile, and you expect laughs along the way and this movie is a barrel laugh it is a straight slasher horror movie. Set at Christmas with a Santa Claus killer it is literally just that. There is little of no substance to this movie. It is just what it says on the tin.
Does that make it bad? No not at all it is soulless and shallow which again doesn’t make it a bad movie. Hey Myers, it’s in your Bad Movie collection and you said it could ruin Christmas? To answer that one, I would say I was going to do a Christmas horror collection to finish off the year anyway I just did not realise just how many options were out there. There are lots to choose from and this is a genuine attempt to find a good one before the big day. We have two more to follow but this one sets the bar quite high. It’s not great and it’s not going to go into my collection because I would probably have to pay for it, and it isn’t worth spending money on it. It is however worth a watch if there isn’t something else on.
There really isn’t much to this movie and if you want to not pay too much attention and let some drivvle wash over you then this isn’t such a bad option. You won’t have to concentrate to hard there isn’t the delicate or thin plot line to follow its just a screwed-up robot Santa with an axe and a bad attitude. That’s it. The answer to the next two questions sadly is both no. Will it ruin Christmas? But will it make Christmas? So, a sensible review to a shallow movie. It was too good to take the piss and really not good enough to set the world on fire. Which makes it’s a bit meh which I feel a bit melancholy about as I don’t like sitting on the fence and this movie and got me with splinters on me arse. Oh well Christmas is not saved this year yet and there are two movies to come. I have decided on both now however I have not reviewed them so it’s a surprise for me as well as you. Up next is Christmas Evil. Sounds delightful.
Its so bad its... alright!
Christmas Evil (#42)
Well Christmas Evil sounds very sinister and demonic where in fact this is more of a slasher movie with a sad lonely individual at its centre. This is very (scaringly so) similar to Silent Night, Deadly Night from my previous year’s Christmas selection box. This one however was four years prior, and this was less of a straight up slasher movie where you feel for the main villain this is more of a killer movie where you feel for the main villain. Oh, I have just realised what I’ve done there. The movie that saved Christmas Horror last year may well be just a copy of this one. Well, I will have a pop at running through the plot for you and you can make up your own mind or better still go out and watch them both. Oh, but you are reading this to make the decision to go and do that!! I will shut up and move on.
Written and Directed by Lewis Carol, sorry its Lewis Jackson (Sorry don’t know where my mind was there). Produced by Burt Kleiner & Peter Kameron. Music by Joel Harris, Julia Heyward & Don Christensen. It was edited by two of the greatest names in editing (Not famous but just great names) Linda Leeds and Corky O’Hara who deserve a sitcom all of their own. However, we can move on to the stars of the movie as some of these were familiar to me although I could not name any of them. There was Andy Fenwick, Dianne Hull and Jeffrey DeMunn. Jeffrey went on to do many movies and tv appearances while Dianne did a few movies but more prominent on TV. The main star of the movie was one Brandon Maggart and no I’ve not heard of him either. However, that means little as he was nominated for a Tony and was on the very first series of Sesame Street. He appeared in the movie Dressed to Kill and alongside Robbie Williams in ‘The World According to Garp’ He was in the TV Show Brothers that was not very popular this side of the pond and appeared in Married with Children and Babes OK I’ll stop now as I still have no idea who he is. The movie was made on a budget of over three quarters of a million dollars. And took about half that amount at the box office. The scary thing about movies is everything is costed and paid for long before the release and then its too late it either floats or sinks. Well, here’s the poster
THE PLOT
For those expecting a straight slasher movie with the protagonist out for revenge or to get even or whatever reason you could think of this one is far more disturbing as it follows the main character who seeks to follow a morale level for life and then kill anyone who falls below his threshold. We begin back when our (anti) hero was a small boy and he and his mum and brother witness Santa delivering presents before arguing with his brother later about whether it was dad or not.
Annoyed by this he goes back for another look and catches Santa kissing mum in a silky red number. She seems to like his bauble. He is upset and runs up to the attic where he cries and smashes is Christmas scene snow globe. Using the cut piece of glass, he cuts his own hand.
We leap forward in time and meet the very all-year festive adult of the man called Harry. Sleeping in a Santa-esk suite and a Christmas bells alarm clock. He clearly loves Christmas and the walls, and the house is covered in Christmas items. It reminds me of my home in the middle of December. He watches the kids around the area and keeps his own list. Which isn’t creepy enough, he also works in a toy factory (Jolly Dreams) where colleague take advance of his kindness or naivety. Meanwhile at home he is creating his own Santa outfit, which continue whilst we watch harry go about his business. Such as going to work, getting excited by the parades on tv at one stage he sneaks around his brother’s house and watches them make love on the sofa (sorry Couch America!). After making the suite he paints his white van to look like Santa’s sleigh. He continues with his lists of naughty children and nice ones.
One night under the cover of darkness he sneaks around to one of the naughty kid’s house and muddies up his face and hands and pushes them onto the outside wall. The boy spots him and walks over meaning that the boy gets in trouble and slapped for being naughty. At the companies Christmas party, he mentions that he has other people’s number and can hear the tune that they are singing from and its different from his song. He meets a new executive who has come up with a charity drive that relies on employees to contribute rather than the kindness of the company he says has everything ready for the right tune but decides to sing a different song. No one knows what Harry is talking about.
After going through the last month before Christmas his suite has come together, and he finally glues the beard onto his face before laughing like the nutter that he is (well become). Its Christmas Eve and Harry has stolen toys from his factory and got his suite and full beard on and just so happens to be carrying a large knife. He drives around giving the presents to the nice kids and even takes a van full of his stolen toys to the hospital. His slow decent into psychotic madness is speeding up.
Whilst waiting for the security guard at the hospital he practises his ‘Merry Christmas’ and ‘Ho Ho Ho’s the nurses come out and see how kind and generous he is taking all the presents inside. He is now a hero and continues to drive around town. Going to the Midnight Mass the company owner mentioned he waits for everyone to file out where he waits with a very plan for these naughty Church attendees.
Stabbing the first in the eye with a toy wooden soldier and then second and third gets an axe to the head with a mini chopper. He scurries away, jumping in his van and making good his escape. Stopping to catch his breathe he hears a Christmas party which is snoops on through the window where he is spotty by a couple of men at the party and drag him into the party. Despite the concern he joins as Santa and the kids love him and so do the party goers.
Meanwhile all the people from the church have gone to the police and they are just starting the hunt for a psycho in a Santa outfit. Harry on the other hand has discovered that climbing onto a roof and climbing down the chimney is actually harder than it looks.
He gets stuck and gives up climbs back down the ladder and finds an alternative way to break in. Killing the guy who screwed him over early in the movie he doesn’t even wake the dudes with sleeping next to him in the bed. Until he gets up and Harry slices his throat. Desperate to flea he runs through the house getting caught by his kids who smiles at before running to his van.
SPOILER ALERT
We jump to Christmas day and Harry’s brother has not heard from his brother which is unheard of. His brother is watching the news when the report comes through above the murders at the church and employee, but he hasn’t put two and two together yet. Meanwhile Harry wakes in his van with Santa suite looking very dirty with the soot from the chimney. He goes back to work to break all of the crappy toys. Turning on the machines so they break on the floor. The police all have the wrong suspects as Harry continues to run amuck. He phones his brother and harry tells him that he has learnt the tune which everyone dances to, he knows it and will go and sing it to everyone today.
Confronted by an angry mob in an alleyway he is surrounded by their own children desperate to keep Santa Claus safe from their own parents. They won’t move and keep him safe enough to try to run from them.
Chased to his van he just about gets enough grip to drive away chased by torch baring mob ready for a lynching. He drives to his brother’s house before they confront each other, and Harry’s brother almost strangles him to death. Putting him in the van they have to find an alternative plan, but Harry wakes up and decided to make another dash for it. In his final attempt to escape Harry Drives through a sign and rather than plunging to his death the van takes to the skies and he starts to fly without the assistance of Rudolf.
Summary
This is very similar to the Silent Night, Deadly Night this is a horror movie where the central (villain) character has a backstory that this movie wants to ensure we [the viewer] gets a good description of. The difference between this one and SNDN is that the character saw Santa kissing his mummy's thatch. Which made him go and smash a snow globe and then cut his hand with a piece of the broken glass. Then we go about forty years later, and this guy has not only held this grudge about his cheating mother he has not spoken or divulged anything about this to anyone else in all that time. I get that his brother thinks he is a loser and criticise him all the time, but he has never fell in love. Fantasied about girls but merely become the living embodiment of Ole Saint Nick Himself. This is where this story falls and not only does it fall it hits a few beams of wood on the way down.
The point of seeing his mothers supposed infidelity and being a good boy why not tell someone about it. Like dad for example, because if he was such a good boy for Santa’s benefit why does he not hate Santa for feeling up his mum when his dad was out somewhere. Nope he keeps the secret and decides that over thirty plus years he is going to take on the persona of the man who cheated on his family but do it the right way. OK so is he punishing himself then? No because he happily stabs other people and is put upon for his entire life. Why? What is the point!?! This just doesn’t make sense.
The whole movie makes more sense if the opening scene does not exist and we watch the movie from the point of view of a big fan of Christmas who gets dumped on by his colleague, family, random townsfolk and even the kids of the town. That would make so much more sense than the bollocks this serves up. It is confused by itself and lends itself nicely into one individual slide into criminally insanity. Deciding that others are not as wholesome as himself would be a good reason for the killing spree and the rewarding of the children that he knows are good. That makes sense, this movie however doesn’t do that.
You ultimately don’t feel for him, and you definitely don’t feel for his brother. You hate all the adults in the town of those with speaking parts of more than five lines. The others you really don’t much care about either. I think what I am waffling towards is that this movie doesn’t have a hero and my anti-hero comment earlier is a sham as you don’t really care for him. What this movie doesn’t have that SNDN does have is humour. You watch the decent of a weird, concerning man snooping and spying on kids into madness and this movie does that very well. Particularly with the song and whether people can dance to it, that was clever however this movie is not.
I don’t want to rag on this movie as it has a central core which is so much better than many of these piles of bile I’ve reviewed on here before. Is this good enough to save the Xmas horror feeling for 2023. Well, no not even close but there is something here that might tickle someone’s fancy. Should you watch it? Not for a Christmas movie and its not much of a horror movie, birthed in the first year of the eighties it doesn’t hold up today’s standards and it doesn’t stand up to my extremely low Christmas standards. If you have 90minutes to spare and you are that bored then maybe give it a go it’s still better than the forty-five thousand run of the mill romantic Christmas movies out there, so maybe just maybe give this one a go. However, Christmas is not saved yet with just a single movie to go.
Its so bad its...not worth your time!
Krampus (#40)
Here we are Christmas has arrived and I have had some issues with watching the final movie of the four Christmassy horror movies. I wanted to watch a Krampus type movie and finding the ideal one and subscribing to the online channel that had it free was perfect. Until reaching the final point of sitting in front of the television and selecting the movie. It told me that it was not available unless I brought it! Shock horror (but for real) as this would be a bit of a damp squib of a finale. Then the same company offered me a free movie deal. So not sharing the deal with the family as they would want to buy some major blockbuster that everyone would like I felt obliged to purchase the 2015 classic Hollywood blockbuster “Krampus”. So, it came to pass, and I came to sit and watch the final horror movie for this collection.
The Poster
Released to the world in 2015 this horror comedy was directed by Michael Doughherty who also wrote and produced it however there were more names for those credits. With Todd Casey and Zach Shields sharing the writing duties whilst Thomas Tull, Jon Jashni and Alex Garcia also produced this movie with Michael. This was a genuine major motion picture compared to the others I’ve shared on here. With Universal Pictures distributing the film and turning a very tidy profit as well. Made on a budget of $15million it pulled in $61 ½ Million from the box office. Thankfully its success did not spawn a second movie. I have just seen Krampus 2 advertised but this is a sequel to a different Krampus movie and not this one. This has a list of stars who are - Adam Scott, Toni Collette, David Koechner, Allison Tolman, Conchata Ferrell, Emjay Anthony, Stefania LaVie Owen and Krista Stadler.
With this obvious success this is going to be an easy watch and an easy write up of a good horror movie. OK Here I go… Presses Play
THE PLOT
The movie focuses on the Engel family with parents Tom & Sarah and their two kids Max and his older sister Beth. They live with Tom’s mum who understands English and is spoken to directly in English but only speaks German. [No, I don’t get it] Turning to 1989’s National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation Sarah’s extended family arrive for Christmas including her sister Catherine Johnson, her husband Eddie, and their kids Rocky and Ruby Sue. Whoops sorry that was national lampoon’s her sister is actually Linda, and she is married to Howard and their kids are Howie Junior, Stevie, Jordan, and baby Chrissie who they forget and leave in the car after coming in. They also bring Aunt Dorothy who is a cantankerous bitch. The families don’t get on, but they plan to muddle by – for Christmas.
Despite all this Max is still a believer and writes his letter to Santa with some encouragement from his German grandma. The two bratty twins of the other family manage to steal his letter and over dinner read it aloud to the rest of the family mocking him and making him upset. He runs away from the table and ignores his dad’s words when trying to cheer him up. He tears the letter into pieces and throws them out of the window, where a breeze takes the pieces up to the sky.
Over night a blizzard hits the town, causing a power cut. Without power the family start to plan how they are going to cope. Max’s older sister head out into the blizzard to go and check on her boyfriend who is down the road. When out in the cold we get the best scene in the entire movie where she is stalked by a large creature that runs across the rooftops. Terrified she hides under a delivery van; the mystery beast leaves a jack in the box. Which opens and attacks her.
The two men of the house Tom & Howard head out into the snow to search for Beth. They get to Beth’s boyfriends house and find it void of people and the chimney ripped open, which looks like from the inside out. They head back out into the snow and an unknown assailant drags Howard into the deep snow. Tom saves Howard and they escape back to the house where Howard thanks Tom for saving his life with a backhanded compliment.
German Grandma explains to the family that the monster hunting them is Krampus. Its an ancient Demon that punishes those that have lost the Christmas spirit and boy how this family has lost that! The house is now invaded by toys that attack various members of the family. From Jack-in-the-box to gingerbread men.
SPOILER ALERT
You know what there is a lot more that I could write about here, but I’ve decided to go with the abridged version. Many different toy/monsters chase the members of the house as they try to keep as many people as possible alive and find a way to escape their tormentors. They decide to head for the snowplough down the road. Tom, his wife and her sister and the remaining kids leave the house whilst Grandma stays behind to fend off Krampus. Krampus confronts Max (the kid that started all of this all off) and gives the kid an ancient looking bauble wrapped in his ripped-up letter, discarded letter. This makes Max realise that it was him that caused all this trouble in the first place.
Soon after Stevie the horrid cousin of Max is captured by Krampus’ Elves and is being dragged away when Max confronts Krampus and begs for him to be taken in Stevie’s place. Krampus ignores him and throws Stevie into a pit. Max then apologies for losing his Christmas Spirit and Krampus seems to accept it but then tosses Max into the same pit as Stevie.
Rather than the bottom of the pit, Max wakes up in his bed going downstairs he finds his family all alive and his spirit of Christmas rekindled. He is eventually handed a present and just like the Polar Express he unwraps the bauble from Krampus proving that his nightmare was real after all.
Summary
From a great beginning a turd is produced. Now I may be a little harsh there but for a true horror movie to come out of this then things needed to be very different. I think I got so annoyed with this movie is because it just falls flat. I can assume they decided that the movie wanted to remain in the comedy elements, but the horror side just falls flat. It wanted to lay on the comedy so thickly that it doesn’t achieve either. It wanted desperately to be funny that it forgot to be. I did laugh out loud to this movie, and I did enjoy so many elements of this and I was ready to give this a good review but then it took a turn, and it left me behind.
The initial character of Krampus and more so its introduction was a truly amazing scene. When it runs across the rooftops and jumps onto the ground with its hoofs banging into the earth it was huge terrifying and formidable. It then decides to fuck off and leave the family to be attacked by elves which on their own makes (some) sense. Instead of that the family get attacked by dolls, jack-in-the-box, gingerbread men, and it gets just a bit silly rather than funny. I stopped laughing and wasn’t scared either. It manages to set up a comedy and a horror and then bring the two elements together to produce nothing. It fails on both parts instead of succeeding it falls apart.
Let alone the myth of Krampus is that he is the anti-Santa if you’ve been good Father Christmas gets you presents and if you are bad Krampus takes you away. He doesn’t send flaming gingerbread men to nibble at your nose. He is a demon that can basically do what Santa can. Just drop down a chimney take what it deserves and fucks off. It does get minions to do its dirty work it just does it. Now I may be over horror thinking this but that shot in the snow where it comes out of the mist. That was scary that got you invested in this. Then it just simply goes. What is the point? That is what I cannot answer it just veers off in a weird direction and doesn’t come back.
Then this is Krampus itself a huge horned creature with cloven feet which looking at the movie could be 9 or 10ft tall. It’s a demon and massive demon with 4 ft horns on its head you could have had the creative team running a riot with this one they could design whatever they liked, and they come up with a human face. An animated human male face, they could have just used an actor with a bit more effects to make it look larger. This however is not the answer I was expecting, it was just a designed monster that could have been so much more. Or so much funnier you just had to decide which way you were going to go and go with it where this one sat hopelessly in the middle of nowhere.
The final cherry on the top of this mess was the ‘It was just as dream’ ending! Really, I was told off at school, yes told off before an essay assignment was given with a threat of if you finish any story with it was all just a dream then it’s a cop out and you will be heavily marked down. I hadn’t even started then. Yet a Hollywood blockbuster just goes with the ‘we made it all up’ and that’s ok because we thrusted a bauble into the plot randomly just so we could add the shock ending of it was real after all. Well, if it was real how can those dead folk return to the land of the living. Clearly a Christmas Miracle. BUZZZZ nope sorry not buying it. You had me and I was truly loving this movie and then it pissed me off by taking the main villain away and replacing it with comedy creatures which sadly was not what the start of the film had promised. Yes, for CGI they were done well in places and the practical effects were good too, but you lost me as I was trying to work out what the fuck was the point of them in the first place. It didn’t make sense which means the film didn’t either.
In conclusion there were some that came closer than the others of making this Christmas worth while to watch some festive fear but ultimately it all fell a bit flat, and we will have to stick to the tried and tested festive nice and friendly movies again this year. Sorry but we didn’t get to pass the grade this year. I will start a new search again for next year.
No matter what I will wish you a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!
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