My Reviews

Here is a blog when I talk rubbish about rubbish and say nice things about nice things... well maybe

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“If you want movie reviews, I have already done 402 of them click on the other link to go and find them. Here is open season if you want me to give you my review of something then ask and the worst I can say is no!"

Whilst you go through the cancer treatment, What have you watching Myers?

Well since taking up residence in the living room I have taken up trawling through the multiple channels on the TV and recording them just to watch them through the day. As I have little interest in daytime tv, it fills the day as I cannot do much else. Seeing as I like to review things, I thought I would use this silly post to share some views of what I’ve been watching. There are some new movies and some I’ve seen many times it’s been a bit of a mix bag, but I thought I’d share my boredom here.

The Dead 2

Seeing as this is not my usual reviews these will be a bit of a brief overview and whether I liked it or not. We begin with a movie recorded overnight and watched the following day. This appears to be a low budget sequel. I assume it’s a sequel based on the number two at the end of the title. It begins with some chap coming off a boat, who takes his pay and disappears off into the Indian city of Mumbai. As a near zombie the man wanders into the highly populated area turning the whole of India into an apocalyptic wasteland. Meanwhile our hero is halfway up a wind turbine when the country turns to pot. He then receives a phone call from his girlfriend who tells him that she is pregnant and thus begins his travel across India to rescue his girlfriend who is locked up in her family’s home. With a sick mother and a father who is determined to force her into a marriage with a bank manager or a governor or something. Meanwhile our hero has teamed up with a young boy who is helping him get across the country for his girlfriend. There are some half-arsed attempts at making this personal and sprinkle in some sentimental back stories but to be honest I really wasn’t interested by then. This was not a good movie and really left me uninterested in the characters the zombies although looked quite spooky but with each one the spookiness wore off and it became unscary and uninteresting for me. By the conclusion I simply didn’t care what happened to anyone of the cast. It felt ham-fisted and forced. I cannot recommend this movie in anyway; it wasn’t bad enough to be good and it wasn’t good enough to be worth watching again. It wasn’t bad enough to say ‘that’s an hour and half of my life I won’t get back’ but it’s safe to say I will be avoiding this one again and have no interest in the original or any further films either. That’s it done the first movie reviewed.

Nightbreed

This is a classic horror from the pen of Clive Barker and released in 1990. Based on a book I read called Cabal. I remember when this was released, they gave the special effects department free reign to come up with whatever creature designs their imagination could come up with. The basic story here is about an individual who attends a psychotherapist played by David Cronenberg. His psychotherapist points out that everything he says in his sessions when hypnotised has happened because the police have visited his offices and wanted to know about his patients. He tells our man that he has 24 hours to confess and go to the police himself. He gives the chap some medication that ends with him in hospital after being hit by a truck. Whilst there our main man (called Aaron Boone) overhears another patient in hospital ranting about Midian and how to get there. Boone talks him into sharing details about the place. Soon after our new friend uses thumb knives to cut the skin from his head and just leaving his face. He then gets directions to the city of Midian, which is an underground city for the beasts or mutants. The ‘others will go there and be safe living underground, away from persecution from humans. Midian is home for some of the weirdest creatures you could imagine and what will harm or kill them is different to each. Fire, bullets, or sunlight, for example may harm some but not others. There is a prophecy about someone leading this band to a new Midian where they can start again, around the same time after leading his psychotherapist to Midian, Boone is killed but later returns as one of the beasts that should be living in the underworld. His girlfriend won’t accept the story she is told and goes in search of Midian as well. I have realised this is not so easy to explain but I would say that if you haven’t seen this movie then its worth giving it a go. It appears quite dated now with the special effects, but the story is a good one and I’d recommend giving it a go, even if its just a one off.

Wolves

This is another low budget Horror Channel movie recorded late evening and then watched again the next day. In comparison with The Dead this movie actually kept me interested through to its conclusion. This story is about a young boy at college who loses his cool in a football (American version) with another player and springs onto him and bashes his helmet in. Later he is in a car with his girlfriend and getting a little too over excited he starts to change into the werewolf he most obviously is. He awakes on the sofa in the living room with the other end of the couch covered in blood and other bodily items. Realising he has killed his own parents when in wolf form he decides to go on the run. He runs into another wolf-man in a bar who directs him to a sleepy town where he can find the answers to all his questions. He rocks up there and ends up in a bar where he is clearly the odd one out there despite the whole town looking very wolf like. He ends up staying with one of the local farmers who lets him know that the whole town are werewolves, but a group of wolves live up in the woods. This gang have the strength and stay in wolf form most of the time and there is an uneven balance based on the promise that the pack leader will get his way with the pretty bar owner in return for him and his pack not killing the rest of the town folk. This uneasy truce is bound to fail as your boy falls for the bar owner who has been promised to the wolves’ pack leader. That’s enough of the plot for you, this movie was much better than many on the late-night circuit. The special effect leant on CGI world but only slightly the wolf side of the gang was basically sticking hair to faces and bodies. It worked in a weird way and I was pleasantly surprised by this movie, but I would add that I was on morphine at the time as well. The shock twist at the end was a bit weak, well it was more than just a bit weak, it was poor. I can see what they were trying for, but it just didn’t really work for me but if that’s the worst thing about this movie then it can’t be that bad. It is not a great movie and it’s never going to win many awards and I probably wouldn’t recommend it to many people as its very cliché, but it passed a morning when in pain.

Carry on Girls

Many months ago, I brought all the ‘Carry on’ movies and thought that I would stick one of the DVDs in that particular one has two movies on it namely this one and Carry-on Dick. This one is a movie about a sleepy seafront town desperate to promote itself to a larger target. Sid James plays a member of the council who gets approval to run a beauty contest and uses it to promote his hotel. It also means these young women will be staying at the hotel as well. If you want the perfect example of picture postcard rude innuendo type of Carry-on movies this one hits the nail on the head. Its got women in little items of clothes with men (particularly old) dribbling over them. Plenty of play on words and its clearly not innocent but for its time it flew close to the mark and most importantly it made people laugh and that is all they were trying to do. This is not the best Carry-on movie by a long way but there are some jokes here that are just simply funny and that is all I asked for on a day of morphine and pain. This was an hour and a half well spent, love this group or not you have to admit they had their day and were the most successful comedy troop of movies for British tastes for many years.

Carry on Dick

More of the same with the next movie from the DVD that followed on from the previous movie. This one was filmed not a million miles away from where I am now. Mainly in Burnham, Iver Heath, and Stoke Poges for the external locations for filming. The plot for this one is based around Dick Turpin, the famous highway man with Sid James playing the villain Dick Turpin as well as the local reverend called Reverend Flasher (of course) he has two sidekicks in Barbara Windsor and Peter Butterworth who share in the treasures he steals. Meanwhile Bernard Bresslaw, plays Sir Roger Daley who heads up the Bow Street Runners the gang brought together to hunt down the highwaymen and bring them to justice. Their success means that few crooks are left which then means the net is closing in on Dick Turpin, so he needs to stay ahead of the law, and this follows their story. Plenty of innuendo as expected as well as the low-key rude suggestions and getting closer to the mark for some scenes but again the typical humour is there for all to enjoy or loath in equal measure depending on your point of view. For me and my viewing partner morphine enjoyed this one, even though we didn’t get through the entire movie we saw enough of it to recommend it to anyone that likes the carry-on type of film.

Predator

I am sure I have an official review of this movie, so I won’t be going all in depth with this. I watched this again as I was thinking that my kids might want to see it as both watched and loved Aliens and there are many similarities between the movies but this one is much the gorier of the two. I may allow it to happen but watching this again I can get a bit more clued up for when the pillows need to go in front of faces. That decision is for another day. For this movie, if you haven’t seen Arnie in this one then you really have missed out. It’s a great one and eighties classic this is the movie that gave birth to the Arnie quote – “get to the chopper” came from as it is said many a time during this film. The monster is great and the whole philosophy of the movie is great. The dodgy leader looking out for his own team, hiring an elite team to get them to help without being honest enough. One thing I did notice is that minutes before the operation starts is when Arnie decides to ask about the back up and is told there is no back up. It seems a bit late for me, but it is forgiven like some other aspects of this movie. Would I recommend this? Yes, with bells on if you haven’t seen this you’ve missed out. You can thank me later.

Paranormal Activity 2

Ok I brought this one months ago as it was a quid or so and I enjoyed the first one despite nothing really happening. This is more of the same but there are more incidents, and you see a little more than you did before. It is suitably spooky when it needs to be and for me it feels better paced than the original and you can see where the additional money from the first one’s success went to. This movie does exactly what it says on the tin. It follows a family following a break-in setting up cameras in each room just when an entity moves in with them. It runs during the events of the first film but there is no reference to this in the first one, but the links do go one way here. The fear is regarding the new-born boy who is a toddler by the time the majority of this movie occurs. There are plenty of spooky shots of camera’s panning across rooms with no one in, but you are still spending the whole movie waiting for something to happen. It gets there just before the finish; this fits in with the found footage films of legend with this one its better than many out there. Would I recommend? Well, only if you like the found footage movies then give it a go or if you enjoyed the first one then you will probably enjoy this one as well.

No Sex Please – We’re British

OK I didn’t actually watch this movie. I can tell you it feels like a Carry-On movie after all the other ones are done. It stars a list of British names that may not of made their names in the carry-on movies but there is a list of names that may mean something to some of you. With a starring list of - Ronnie Corbett, Beryl Reid, Arthur Lowe, Ian Ogilvy, Susan Penhaligon, Michael Bates, Cheryl Hall, David Swift, Deryck Guyler, Valerie Leon, Margaret Nolan, Gerald Sim, Michael Robbins, Frank Thornton, and Michael Ripper. The story I couldn’t really tell you it is something about Ronnie being sent rude books that he then tries to hide and get rid of. That is about all I could tell you about the plot. What I can tell you is that this was filmed on location in Windsor, and I spent the entire thing looking at different places going well that seems the same or wow that has changed completely. I don’t think I even had the sound on, or I had music on whilst it was on in the background, but I spent the entire time just looking at the scenery. Would I recommend this? I don’t think I can unless you know Windsor very well and want to look at how it used to be years ago.

Let Me In

I have added two more movies to this list, and I could label both with the same ‘better than expected’ tag. Again, I should mention that morphine could have been a contributing factor in these reviews. For those that don’t know and those that have read my other reviews this is another case of a movie from a foreign state working without English has had the entire movie copied and put into English as us English speaking folk cannot cope with subtitles and are not worldly wise enough to work around not knowing the language. So, Americans come along and re-make the entire movie just so the viewers don’t have to struggle with working out all those tricky word things. Unlike many of the others I have seen this is a good attempt at remaking a story of a movie that I actually enjoyed. It could be this reason that I was expecting rubbish that it was better than expected. It was not as clever as the original, but it does top its hat at the story and the details of the movie its copying. Its not as good as the original but you would always expect that from a copy. Even a photocopier would not create something as good as what is placed on the glass. This is part of vampire week on the Horror channel so you could tell what this movie is about. The short version is it’s about a 12-year-old boy who is being bullied at school and is basically a loner with a single parent. In the snowy winter of New Mexico, a new neighbour moves in. A girl of the same age and a believed parent or grandparent. She is the vampire, and the man is going out killing and draining people to feed her. He is reaching a point where he cannot keep this going and is making mistakes with the police getting onto his killing tail. Meanwhile the two kids are growing fond of each other, but an innocent 12-year-old bullied boy and a killer vampire girl must be putting one of them in great risk. One way of another. The whole principle of this story comes straight from the original, but this does it well. With a bit of added gore and special effects, I don’t know if the Americans think they will have a hit with these types of copies, and I have no idea if this was one. What I can say is this isn’t a bad attempt of a good story. Would I recommend it? Well surprising myself the answer is yes, I probably would but would implore you to check out ‘Let The Right One In’ first as this was a better version for me. As a yard stick this got a creditable 88% from Rotten Tomatoes while Let The Right One In scored 98%. I think that sums it up perfectly for me.

Redwood

A clear low budget movie which I recorded to watch but I did watch completely. This was billed as a couple go hiking up a wooded mountain that then attract the attention of a pack of Vampires. Which being honest is kind of what happens but where this movie worked (for me) was it set out the two main characters very well. You have actors that could act which for low budget is a requirement and they appeared to be a genuine couple. They play off each other well although I do find Josh a little wooden but there may be reasons for that in the plot. The movie lasts for an hour and 20 minutes and truly little happens for what feels like the first hour. By the time, the spooky and scary stuff starts this film could of easily of lost many viewers by the time it kicks in. The story is basically a couple have decided to go hiking to the top of a mountain in America. They run into a ranger who points out they must stick to the paths and in the green zone. The other zone in the forest covered mountain is the grey area which is completely out of bounds. For your own safety don’t step into the grey area. So, after the fourth day of a three-day trek to the top of the mountain Josh decides that they could cut an entire day off the trip by cutting across the grey area. This is the mistake that leads them into the nest of vampires (did I mention its Vampire week on The Horror Channel). They visit the couple when they are camping at night which to me seems the stupidest decision based on all the warnings from the rangers about not going into the grey zone. They not only enter the grey zone, but they also go there and set up camp for the night. When they get surrounded by a pack of vampires and using flares they escape, and the chase is on. Some strange things happen in that she gets captured and escapes unscathed and he gets taken away but then just wanders back unharmed some time later. They just continue with their journey, which leaves you with more questions than answers. Would I recommend this movie? If you are bored enough then yes give it a go. It’s terribly slow and the villainous vampires I didn’t find even remotely scary but the story kind of worked for me and that was enough.

Fright Night

OK I haven’t actually watched this one on the TV yet but as I recorded it as part of the Vampire week on The Horror Channel, I thought I would jump the gun and give you a review ahead of watching it later. With being really tired today I may or may not bother to watch this one later. It is a great and silly movie which is probably why I love it. Based around a loose plot of horror fan boy who believes that a vampire has moved in next door. Resulting in his friends trying to convince him that he is mistaken. In a way to discourage him they hire a washed-up actor of many vampire movies who is scrapping a living by introducing old movies on late night tv. They convince him for little money to come over and perform some pretend tests on the vampire who is in on it which it hopes will result in this annoying kid stopping poking his nose in his business. A perfect idea and he won’t have to kill someone with a risk of being trailed back to getting the police involved. This movie is silly, funny and in parts scary and spooky. It simply works on so many different levels. I love the humour deployed here and the gore and horror elements just add to it rather than just being there for the sake of it. This movie is a great 80’s treat and I feel fond of this movie in the same nostalgic way I do with Teen Wolf, Back To The Future or Blues Brothers. This just brings me back to the years spent watching bad horror movies in the attempt to finding a diamond in the low budget rough of the genre. This one sparkled and would get a recommend watch from me whether today or 20 years ago. Give it a chance if you haven’t already.

The Heretics

I haven’t taken morphine for a few days now so I cannot blame that for this review. Working through the movies of Vampire week on The Horror Channel, I recorded this to watch the next day. I assumed this would be another Vampire flix which may have helped as this is there are no Vampires in this. This is old school Demon’s verses angels type stuff. There are two levels of this movie with the first being a play on three of the main characters. They rotate of who you are supposed to believe is the innocent, the villain and the good. Those three positions change between the three main characters throughout the movie which I for one enjoyed the clever tricky of each scene making you change your thinking. When you realise that this whole thing is about Satan trying to punch his way through to this world yet again. Who do you want to cheer for here is a tough one as the heroes and villains change places throughout this movie. I haven’t seen a good Demon movie for ages. I am trying to think of one and the greatest one out there is of course The Exorcist and this movie doesn’t come close to that classic, but this does beat so many other futile attempts at a Satanic movie out there. This was a good film; it has the all the elements of Satan worship and impending doom that you want from a demon movie, but does so on what appear to be a modest budget. I enjoyed this film and would recommend this if you are into this type of movie. There are some simple jump scares within this low action movie. There isn’t a lot of gore but there is plenty of blood. As I already mentioned it has been a long time since I’ve watched a Satan/Demonic movie that I have enjoyed and there have been some really poor one’s that I have enjoyed but not enough to pay good money for it but this maybe one worth investing in a DVD of. Depending on the price mind you, if it’s close to £20 then maybe I won’t bother but I will go and have a look for it, none the less. If you like a good evil story then give this one a go. Plot wise a girl survives a satanic ritual where she is tied to the killing table. Surviving the memory of it seems not be an easy thing as you would expect. In a therapy group for abuse victims, she meets Joan and falls in love with a fellow victim. The day before their ‘anniversary’ Joan walks our main character back to the station and leaves her to head the last part of the walk home to do alone. Outside the front of her home, she is grabbed and bundled into the back of an RV and driven into a cabin in the woods. Joan starts a campaign to find information about her disappearance, putting fliers up and getting her therapy and church groups together to hand out fliers and ask the community for any information or sightings that could potentially help pick up the trail. She isn’t waiting for the police she wants action now. Meanwhile we learn that it isn’t the satanic group as before that has kidnapped our girl. It appears he is working alone, and she is taken to this shack where she is now allowed to wake and talk to her assailant. There he tries to change his story to become the hero and not the villain of the piece. As I mentioned this is all very clever as you start to doubt every one of them. The story introduces one thing then changes it, then makes you think something else and doubt what you were thinking and doubt your own opinion. A surprisingly good movie.